The end... For now..

Sunday 19th February 2017

I have thought for a few days about this blog.  The final online chapter.  The final piece of my inner soul that I'm baring to the "world".  How do I now close the book?

I have now read back every blog I've written.  Some have been harder than others to read and some I barely remember writing... But each one has reminded me that whilst I am a strong person, I could not have made it through the last year without the support I have found in family and friends, old and new.  Am I glad I wrote this?  Well, whilst it has been emotional in a way to read the last year in black and white, I have loved seeing my journey...

Have I forgiven?

No.

Have I forgotten?

No. 

Those people who say you have to, to be able to move on, well that may be true for them but not for me.  What I have done is accept what happened.  It was what it was.  I dealt with each blow, each high and each low.

I have learnt so much this last year, I have experienced so much more of what life has to offer if you just look up and keep going.

I'm not going to make this a long final blog, I've laid so much bare already.  I'm not going to name everyone who's been amazing this last year, you all know who you are.  My family, my friends, my love..., you all mean the world to me.

I will say this, on February 15th 2016 I could never have imagined my life would be where it is now.  I could never have imagined having a smile on my face and a constant song in my heart.  I could never imagine that despite the distance I'd feel closer to my Yorkshire life than ever.  I never imagined that I would find such lovely friendship and laughter with these Southern folk! And I couldn't have dreamt of finding a man who in every way is a missing piece from my jigsaw of life.  It's simple,  it's easy and I love him through to the very core of who he is.  

If you are going through something right now, my only piece of advice is to keep going, never give in, never give up and truly when it's dark, look for stars.

So the final page turns, the scene ends and the curtains fall.  Did I find a happy ending? No.  Because my lovelies, this is just the beginning... The beginning again...

Lini xx 

A note to myself...

Wednesday 25th January 2017

“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

It sounds odd to say this, but I wish I could talk to the me that I was back on the 13th February last year, I wish someone had opened up and told me that every tear I'd shed, every moment of rage, every sleepless night would lead me to a better place. 

Last week I was told by one person that there should be a time limit on my hurt and anger and that displaying it publicly is wrong.  I think it's obvious who that person was.  And so many of you supported my choice to say what I said and I thank you.

 

However last week I was also reminded that this is my story, my journey and there is no time limit on anything I think or feel.  The person who has inadvertently inspired this blog made his choice to hurt me, and subsequently he has given up his rights to tell me how I should feel about anything ever again.  Not that he ever had a right to do that, but you know what I mean.  I made the choice to remove the link, but I didn't remove my previous blog entry, it's still up, I still mean everything I wrote in it.  This is my truth and whilst it may not always be easy to read, it's mine to own. 

I am absolutely aware that right now, I am living my life out loud.  I am allowing anyone who wishes to read what I write into the inner sanctum of my heart and mind.  That will end soon.  My story won't be over, but this part of my journey will be.  I cannot wait to read everything back, I am guessing I will cry, I will laugh and I will think "What were you on Lini?".

However today I feel compelled to write the following to myself, and I guess to anyone who is going through something similar right now, you got this.

Lini, 

I know that today the pain feels like it might consume you.  I know that you feel alone and scared and vulnerable.  I know that you will put a brave face on all of this for other people.  I know that you will cry yourself to sleep and you will worry constantly about being on your own in this.  Let me tell you now, you are not alone.  

You will find that getting your thoughts down on "paper" is important, because trying to think them through doesn’t work.  You will get caught in endless loops of negativity that only lead you further down the rabbit hole.

 

Your parents love you, they will always love you and support your choices.  They will listen to everything you say and offer words of advice that touch your heart. 

Your mum will become your rock.  She will put her arms round you and you will feel the tension leave your body.  Nothing in this world will ever compare to being in your mums arms.  She will not complain when you move in every other weekend, sometimes for a week at a time.  She will roll her eyes at you when you regress to being your 24 year old self and stumble in after another night on too many Proseccos.  She will give you the best piece of advice you will get all year:-

Learn from the past. Live in the now. Visualise the future.

Your friends will be honest with you.  Even when you don't want to hear it.  They will question some of your decisions and be brutally honest with their opinions.  They will hold you when you cry, they will laugh with you until you all struggle to breathe.  They will sit with you in silence when you are exhausted, and they will check in on you constantly.  The miles between you will mean nothing and you will be proud that these people love you.

You will fall down, you will ache and you will hurt.  But you will stand up, you will heal and you will succeed. 

You will watch the man you loved become less and less of the man you knew.  He will continue to cause you pain until you let go, and my dear, let go as soon as you can.  Do not try and hold onto any ideas you have about him, he will honour what you agreed today, but he will make it difficult for you, and the sooner you understand he is not the person you knew, you will be able to deal with it with a clearer head.

You will achieve the things you set out to do.  You will do some of this alone and some with the people who love you by your side.  You will feel proud of yourself I guarantee it.

You will unexpectedly meet someone who as hard as you try to keep at arms length, will win you over with every second you spend with him.  He will make you feel like you are special, he will look at you in a way that makes you wish you could see yourself through his eyes.  You will fall in love with him so easily it will shock you.  The moments you share together will make you wonder how you got so lucky. 

When you feel the fear, remember that everything you want will be waiting for you on the other side.  

 

Chin up chick, your story is just beginning.  You got this. xxx

An open letter to...

Monday 16th January 2016

"Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter...  You must, therefore, pardon the freedom with which I demand your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I demand it of your justice." Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice

As the end of my 12 month blogging adventure draws near, I find myself looking at how far I have come, and lately I have been thinking about how it all started.  I had always said that if I was ever cheated on, I would chop his balls off and feed them to him.  Of course, I never thought I’d be in the position where I would have to choose between taking the high road, and preparing such a rare dining delicacy, but that’s exactly where I found myself last year.  I still don’t have all the answers I want, but I’m more accepting now of the fact that I don’t think I’ll ever get them.  I have fully accepted that the vows I took are now worthless and the marriage I gave my life and soul to has ended.

What I realise now is that I have not said anything directly to her, the other woman.  I have alluded to a general feeling of bitterness, after all she invited herself into a marriage that was designed for two and thought nothing of her actions.  Maybe if she knew, or had a small iota about what I’ve been through, she might have a dawning realisation and change her ways, but given the way she has behaved I hold no small hope for that.

Believe me, I am fully versed in the feelings of wanting to lash out at her, but I also know that it comes from a place of pain and deep insecurity, and I am not that person anymore. I have discovered to my surprise, I was never that person. I am strong and I know my worth. I know that what happened was never about me and the qualities I lack, it was about my husband and the qualities he lacked, and a woman who was so insecure that she went for a married man. 

If I had followed through and served up a dish of bollock a l’orange, I would be validating every single lie that they ever told themselves about how I somehow deserved to be a casualty of their deceit.

So all I have left to say is what follows, an open letter to her, and whether she reads this or not I want to say it because we often never say the things we want to or need to say.

Xxxxx,

I will not call you names, yet I will not wish you well. 

Some time ago you made a choice, you decided that you wanted something, and instead of asking for it, you took it.  You were happy to be hidden and lied about, you sat silently when you could have stood up and been counted.  In the beginning I was so angry I couldn’t even see straight, but then I tried to find a way to understand it.  Had you just fallen so hard in love that it didn’t matter that you were in the shadows and I was in the light?  Had it gone on so long you couldn’t see a way out?  Had he lied and told you that I was a nightmare, whilst all the time telling me he loved me to the moon and back forever? 

Whatever it was, when it was all uncovered and he chose me, was that your comeuppance?  Did you feel used, heartbroken, like you’d lost a part of you?  Then I know something of that feeling, we have a shared pain.  Had it ended there, maybe I could look at you without contempt.  But it didn’t.  He came back to you behind my back, and instead of saying, “I want to be the only one, I won’t do this again, I have too much respect for myself”, you simply resumed your time in the shadows.  You put me through it all again.  You knew the pain you’d caused me once, you’d felt your own pain, and yet you chose to try and destroy me once more.

All the things I realise that were wrong with the relationship I was in are the exact way in which your relationship started, lies, anger and deceit.  He didn’t even tell me, I had to find out again.  He didn’t leave me, there was just no option for us to stay together.

People say what happened is “for the best”, but don’t kid yourself that you’ve done me a favour.  I’ve done me the favours.  I chose to not let what you both did destroy me.  I chose my new path.  You will always live knowing that your union was born out of the utmost betrayal that even the legal system gives it its own category.

What I understand now is that real love will never ask you to hide, it will show you off proudly from the moment you encounter it.  Real love will never make you jealous of other women in such a way that you have to try and take what they have, and fight to protect what you believe is yours. 

One night when you’re sitting alone with your thoughts, and he’s being distant and moody, and he’s hiding his phone from you, and there are so many questions about his behaviour that you cannot answer, remember that when you assumed your full time role in his life, you created a vacancy for someone from the shadows to fill, and like you they probably did without a thought or care for your feelings. 

In that moment, I wonder if I will come to your mind, and you will realise the truth of Karma.

So that is my piece said, said on the bluest most depressing Monday of the year so I hear.  And yet I feel nothing but calm.

Until next time. x 

The most wonderful time of the year...

Tuesday 10th January 2017

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Blimey! It's 2017, not only is it 2017, but its 10 days into 2017! I mean thats just a mere 348 days left until it's Christmas all over again... Ok ok enough with the bah humbugs, I know most of us are only just recovering from the festivities and the permitted daytime drinking...  Firstly Happy 40th Birthday to Paula, your Hula party was legendary!  Secondly Happy not 40th Birthday to Nicola, I hope you had a great birthday!

When I started this blog on a very cold day in February 2016 I had a very broken heart, I was reeling from betrayal, ready to believe that I'd never let anyone close to me ever again, and I guess convinced that by the time Christmas came around I'd be living back in the bosom of my family and friends in Yorkshire.  Well didn't my year deal me an unexpected hand...

I have probably said this many times, with 39 unread blogs under my mince pie and prosecco widened belt I couldn't tell you what I've said by now, but I am a fan of moments.  What follows now is not something I am bitter about, but it gives context and clarity for me to look back on.  Back in October 2015 when I took my ex back he bought me a new engagement ring because I'd said I could never wear my old rings again knowing how much he had disrespected our vows.  I asked him to find a moment to give it to me.  I wasn't asking for a grand gesture, just a moment in time where he said something to me that meant it wouldn't just be the ring he bought because he cheated.  I specifically asked him not to give it to me on Christmas day.

The ring sat in the box for weeks, gathering dust.  I waited, wondering if each day or night would have been the night that he cuddled me tight and told me everything I needed to hear, everything about how sorry he was and how much he loved me, but it never came.  Days rolled on, I struggled on, cried myself to sleep most nights, I worried constantly if he was still in touch with her or if he was looking for someone new instead.  

On Christmas day in front of his family he decided to conceal the ring in another gift.  I opened the bag and I panicked, it wasn't right, I had specifically said I didn't want this scene, I didn't want everyone to be involved in our moment, in having to explain why he was giving me a new ring, what was wrong with the old one etc.  I hastily closed the bag and gestured to him that it wasn't the right time.  He became sullen and moody.  He said he felt rejected, that was the moment he'd chosen.  What he hadn't taken into account when making his choices were my feelings, which pretty much summed up the last few years of our relationship anyway.  In all honesty, despite what it looked like to the outside world, we had a very unhappy Christmas, the best way to describe it as like two jigsaw pieces that look like they fit together, but actually there are subtle differences which mean as hard as you try, they just don't sit right.  

I tried, I painted a happy face on him giving me the ring, I said it didn't matter about moments, but what I realise now more than ever, is that I shouldn't give up what matters to me.  Last week AD and I went for dinner, I asked for some mayonnaise, I know I know it's bad for you but shush! The waitress brought it over and put it down.  It was the other side of the table from where I was sitting so I reached over (what I realise now was somewhat awkwardly) and dunked my chip.  I went back to picking at bits on my plate and as I did, AD moved the mayonnaise closer to my plate. I hadn't looked at him, I hadn't asked, I hadn't suggested he do it, he just made that moment a bit easier for me without me even asking.  And it made me realise, that's who he is, kind, caring, genuine and without concious thought he seems to want to make things easy for me.  

It seems silly I guess that I'm comparing a diamond ring to chip dunking mayonnaise, but my thought pattern often resembles Mr Tickles arms so I'm not too shocked.  There were what feels like a million other moments over the Christmas and New Year break in which I fell more and more in love with AD.

I loved seeing him with my family, his face when my mum gave him a flat cap, him laughing at my Stepdads pun after pun after pun.  I liked watching my nephews working him out, 4 year old Tommy tickling his feet and beating him up with a cushion.  I liked hearing him chat about landrovers with my dad, hearing him answer the questions my sister and brothers asked him, and my stepmum telling me she'd been quizzing him and he's just lovely!  I like seeing him with my friends, watching him hold his own with Paula is amusing, she doesn't go easy on him!  I was in hysterics as Amy accidentally groped his bare leg in shorts, and was soon joined by Becky.  Stacey and Alan welcomed us round to their house and we shared laughs and prosecco!  Everyone really seems to like him, and they say they can see how happy I am, which gives me even bigger warm and fuzzies.

I am also very lucky that his family and friends have been so warm and welcoming to me.  We have shared some really lovely and hilarious moments this Christmas and New Year, and I think they're all just about over the shock of him wearing his very first Christmas jumper, and him losing at Monopoly!  For the first time in many years I spent a new years eve with other people and not alone whilst my ex worked, and it was just lovely.  We laughed, we joked, we bantered and then Zoe did a comedy fall and I thought I might ache the next day from laughing so hard.  At midnight AD kissed me and the world melted away. 

I realise that I am lucky in so many ways.  I am lucky that my parents raised me to be strong and independent so that I was able to deal with what happened last year with dignity and strength.  I am lucky that I know myself, I know who I am and I will never lose sight of that again.  I am lucky that I build good solid friendships, ones that support me no matter how crazy my decisions, how many times I go back and forth and change my mind, they are there for me in every way that I ask.  I am lucky that I love my job and the people I work with, and that when I wasn't able to give everything I normally give, people understood the change and supported me through.  I am lucky that I was encouraged to date to meet new people, and straight away I was lucky enough to meet AD and even luckier to have him fall in love with crazy old me.

Now it's back to reality.  AD and I have enjoyed our first festive season with plenty of time together surrounded by laughter and love.  The Santa hat and Christmas Jumpers are stowed away ready for next year, the work commute is back to a crawl and the emails well they just keep on coming, but honestly just honestly.... it really was the most wonderful time of the year! 

Until next time folks.... Lini xx

When I look back...

1st January 2017

"Take care of the people you love.  But, also take even better care of the people that love you." - Unknown

Last night I was made welcome in the lives of people who have known and loved each other for years.  Last night I laughed so hard I thought my sides would split, I felt happy and warm, and it wasn't just the rum.  Last night I went to sleep in the arms of someone who loves me and I woke up in those very arms feeling happy and like this year, 2017, will be something special.  When I look back at 2016 I will remember that it was the year I took back control of my life, and the year that I discovered the true strength of friendship and love.  I will also remember that it was the year I met the loveliest and kindest man I've ever known.  

Bob Marley said, "Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.  You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.  You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.  When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it knowing they will share in your excitement.  They are not embararassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.  Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you're not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.  Colours seem brighter and more brilliant.  Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.  Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is special to you.  You open your heart knowing there's a chance it may be broken one day, and in opening your heart you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible."

When I read that, I of course was drawn to how it makes me feel about AD, but as I re-read it I realise Bob might have it a bit wrong, because whilst I have a met a man who makes me feel all of those things, I also see my friends and family in all of those words and it makes me feel like I might just be the luckiest person alive. 

On new years day in 2016 I wrote a list of 12 challenges that I wanted to personally achieve throughout the year, and even though I didn't achieve everything I am proud that I made so many things come true with hard work, some sweat and a lot of determination.  I remember standing in the snow last January asking my ex if his reluctance to participate in life with me meant I would never get to see the world with the person I loved.  I remember my heart breaking when he said I wouldn't.  But I now realise that I did see the world with people I loved, I wasn't alone on my journey, I walked for more than 500km, sure some of it I was alone, but for lots of it I was with friends and family.  I climbed a mountain and ran a race with some of my best friends by my side urging and cheering me on.  My ex was wrong.  I just didn't know it at the time.  I realised this as I stood at the top of the Cow and Calf rocks looking out over Yorkshire and AD wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and told me he loved me.  

So a look back at my 2016 challenges:- 

1) Run a 5km race - I signed up to run the Race for Life Pretty Muddy 5km on the 3rd September.  It was hard, it was not pretty, but thanks to Stacey, I did it!  

2) Walk or run a total of 500km - I did this in bite size chunks, but once I found my legs, I'd completed this by June!  Thanks to Ross who helped me celebrate with champagne and party poppers!

3) Lose 20kg/3 Stone - I managed to lose 2 stone, however as we end the year I've put over half of what I lost back on, the search for skinny Lini is always ongoing!


4) Climb a mountain or a peak - Despite trying and failing to get to Snowdon all year long, Lyndsey and I scaled Pen-y-Ghent, well I huffed and puffed but I made it!!

5) Write a childrens book - Unfortunately I didn't get to doing this one, however, I have written this blog instead! I'd say that's an achievement in itself!

6) Save £500 or more - Saved and spent now!!!

7) Go 50 days without buying any clothes, shoes or handbags - I managed 86 days! I was rather proud of this one!

8) Explore the UK - I only managed England, but I saw some sights and lots of beaches!!

 9) Look up a new word every day for a month - From hebetude to salubrious I ended 2016 in an insouciant manner.

10) Carry out 5 or more random acts of kindness - I have managed more than 5 of these because there is gift in giving without expectations.

11) Start or gain a qualification - Unfortunately I didn't get round to this, but I am due to start one in April 2017!

12) Take the stairs - This one was a bit hit and miss... But I do think more conciously about taking the stairs instead of the lift! And I've done the 199 steps at Whitby twice this year! 



For 2017 I have another 12 challenges, but 6 of them are going to be joint challenges, joint experiences and I cannot wait!!!

So now I've had a look back, I'm even prouder of myself, because 2016 did not start easily, and it was a rollercoaster of emotions, but through it all, my wonderful family, my amazing friends and my gorgeous boyfriend have loved me, supported me and revealed strength I never knew I had.

I wish everyone who is still with me on this blog journey a very happy and healthy new year, I hope 2017 brings you everything you need, I hope your burdens are light and your successes are many.  You are all stronger than you know, trust me.

Much love
Lini xxxx

D. I. V. O. R. C. E...

Wednesday 7th December 2016

I spell out all the hurtin' words
And I turn my head when I speak
'Cause I can't spell away this hurt
That's drippin' down my cheek - Tammy Wynette 

 
 Did you know that according to statistics published in 2012, 42% of marriages end in divorce?  That's a pretty hefty number.  That means almost half of the couples who say their vows end up where I am now.  They may have all taken different roads to get here, but they have all had to go through the rather impersonal process of filling in forms to describe how their "forever" ended earlier than anticipated.  

When I said my wedding vows, it didn't occur to me that we wouldn't make it.  That one day I'd be humming D. I. V. O. R. C. E to myself.  It never occured to me that ten years down the line I'd be ticking a box to end it all.  One thing I will say that though is that my upcoming divorce is not a tragedy.  Staying in a unhappy situation that wasn't working and being cheated on for the rest of my life would have been the tragedy.

I no longer have to wonder if "this" is how I'm going to spend my life, married to someone who was constantly distracted by his phone, facebook, instagram, twitter, playstation, netflix, the list could go on...

I am glad in a way that I've waited until now to file, not because I thought there was any redemption or way back for us, but more that I am stronger than I was, able to write down details of his affair without it rocking me to my core.  I was allowed some distance from the whole mess and that distance has allowed me to view things with fresh eyes and a less angry perspective.

I will not pretend that one day I will forgive what he did.  I looked up the definition of forgiveness, it's an interesting read... 

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. 

I really dislike that in that scenario I am described as a "victim".  I don't feel like a victim.  I have been hurt and betrayed sure, but I am still here, I have not been defeated by what happened, I have taken over, I have taken charge and I am responsible for my happiness.  So instead of forgiving him, I have forgiven myself.  I have forgiven myself for believing everything he blamed me for was my problem.  I have forgiven myself for being the only one invested in making our marriage work.  Most of all I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I possibly could not have known. 

Filing for divorce has ended another chapter.  I really do look forward to the courts sending me the letter confirming that this particular book is at an end.  

I have had some wonderful feedback about what I write on this blog, how it's nice to know that someone else is going through the same or similar things and isn't afraid to speak out about it.  I have said many times, this is my journey, there are 3 sides to this story, his, mine and the truth.  I am flattered and pleased that so many of you have stayed with me since February, that you continue to read this blog and support me in many many ways.

I do find myself approaching this festive season with a new spring in my step.  
A new perspective, new friendships, my forever friends with me in spirit if not in person (yes thats you Paula, Becky, Amy, Nicola and Lyndsey since you complain you haven't been mentioned lately!) and a new shiny love with bells on!  My world feels like it is rich, full and in technicolour.  

Christmas 2016 will be vastly different to 2015 and I for one cannot wait! xxx

What do you do with the photos?...

Monday 28th November 2016

“It was the marriage that was important; Jane Austen rarely even bothered to write about the wedding.” ― Karen Joy Fowler, The Jane Austen Book Club

I am a sentimentalist, I keep trinkets and memories, letters and cards, things that mean something to me.  Tonight whilst looking for something I stumbled across my wedding album.  It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.  I didn't need to open it to know exactly the photos it contained, I had once spent hours pouring over hundreds of photos to select the perfect 32 moments that would forever be bound in that album to remember "forever".

You don't know when you're 24.  You don't know what it really means to connect your life to someone elses life and stay there.  You can't see all the ways you're going to become entangled, how you're going to bond to one another.  You don't imagine that your love might one day burn itself out.  I didn't know that one day that album might cause me pain.

It begs the question what to do with it now.  The original purpose of the album has vanished.  It represents the celebration of a time when promises were made and feelings were far different, a time when I loved and respected a man who no longer exists.  What would be the point of keeping it?  

I am told that as time passes my bitterness towards my ex will fade, but I cannot imagine that when that happens I would want to sit and leaf through 32 memories of a day when vows were made that my ex found so easy to break.  But I cannot erase my past, it made me who I am. 

Without looking through the album I know there is one photo that I want to keep.  One that was taken when I wasn't looking.  One where I was at The Mummas before the wedding, hair done, make up done, relaxed, happy and with people who loved me then, have loved me all these years and love me still.  
 

I have learnt a great many things this year about myself, about my friends, my family, about new people and about love.  My photo frames are now filled with new memories, my heart filled with a new love.   The old Lini isn't gone, she's just evolved, and the smiling happy person in the photo still lives inside me.  She's older, she's wiser, she's been bruised, but she's capable of looking back and not in anger.

Perhaps tonight is not the night to choose what to do with the rest of the album, bonfire night has passed after all!

**Note to myself for February 15th, it's ok if you still haven't decided! xxx