There will be dark times...

Monday 18th April 2016

"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Wouldn't that be lovely? Isn't that just the ideal.  For now I'd have to say it's the unattainable.  It's been a tumultuous week, highs and extreme lows. 

Fresh from one of my blogs saying I wouldn't "celebrate/commiserate" every 14th, when it rolled around and my council tax bill dropped in with my single persons discount followed by two tickets for Magic weekend in Newcastle, I have to say it was like a punch in the gut.  It certainly put me on my arse for a good 24 hours.   Just when you think tears are no longer for you, theres a familiar eyeball stabbing sensation and give-away-redness that betrays you.  I'm not a fan of crying, it has to be real agony for me to sob the hours away, but I found it hard to give my head a shake and "man up".

I even found myself drawn on an evening walk to the footbridge where we fell out on our one and only ill fated walk this year, I quipped to one of my closest friends that I was worried I might feel like throwing myself off....

I guess I wouldn't be human if I didn't have down days.  The last ten years would have been a complete waste if I was completely fine with what has happened.  This is going to sting for while I know that, and whilst I have been making strides forward, I can't help but look over my shoulder, with an aching feeling inside, oh wait hang on that's Mike and the Mechanics lyrics...   

Shame on you that you fooled me once, shame on me that you fooled me twice.  But I do hope that one day I will only look back at the fun times, not the lies and the broken promises.   

I'm sorry if today I didn't inpsire/motivate/reassure you, but I'll sign off with something that amazing friend said to me last week that pulled me out of my funk, "You can't give up, you don't know how."... :)

Giving...

"We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give."  - Winston Churchill

Good old Winston, definitely coined that phrase didn't he!  It felt strangely appropriate tonight I sit with suitcases (never mind bags) under my eyes, a dull ache on my right arm from my mad archery skills, my nose and cheeks full of freckles and wind burn and a big smile on my face from a fun filled weekend!

Once upon a time when I was a hormonal-angry-at-the-world-for-no-real-reason 13 year old, I sat in an assembly at high school and a girl told us all about this thing she went to called "Air Cadets".  

Fast forward 22 years and I think Air Cadets is now part of my DNA.  I have lost track of the amount of people who ask "Why do you do it?"  I have lost track of the ways in which I smile and explain because "I love it!"  I always say how I wouldn't be the person I am now without cadets in my life,  and that's all because there were people doing #whatwedo back before the hashtag was even a thing!  They gave up their weekends, their annual leave from work, spent time away from their families, spouses, took paperwork home, spent nights writing risk assessments and planning parade nights and countless other things.

Now I'm an instructor I realise they weren't "giving up" they were giving because someone gave for them.  The majority of us crazy folk who volunteer at Air Cadets are ex-cadets, we've lived the horror of not putting our tent up before the rain came, cooking beans and pasta on trangias, getting lost in a field because we didn't quite pay as much attention in naviagtion lessons as we did to what lynx the cute corporal was wearing... :)  

We have sat up until the early hours on RAF stations polishing our shoes until we could see our faces in them.  We have marched on parade square and streets, through cities, towns and villages in our finest ironed uniforms and been proud to be part of something bigger than we are.  We have covered our faces in cam cream and hidden in trees and bushes, we understand the impact of Shape, Shine, Shadow, Silhouette, Spacing and Movement just as we've slept under the stars and suffered the inevitable blocked pores and terrible skin as we didn't wash because we wanted to look "war-ry".  

The lucky ones of us have soared on high in all manner of aircraft, Chipmunks, Bulldogs, Vigilants, Nimrods, Sea Kings, Chinooks to name a few, some have even done flying and gliding scholarships and gone on to be pilots!  We have kayaked, skiied, abseiled and climbed, we've learned how to target shoot with rifles and we've learned to target shoot with bows and arrows.  We have played netball, rugby, hockey and football, we've thrown javelins and shotputs at athletics, half drowned during butterfly at Swimming and come in 3rd to last at Cross Country! 

We have made life long friends who share our memories, who understand what an ensign, a rank slide, Bader or a CWO is.  We all speak the same language.  I won't talk about the internal politics because this isn't a rant and everywhere has some kind of politics, but even then we accept that people won't always agree, and they'll want to play with their trainset in their own way.  And we've all taken pleasure in giving a radio guy heart failure by saying "over and out".... ;)

Cadets has been my lifeline, and there are times we've fallen out of favour, times when life has meant I couldn't give everything I wanted to give, times I have considered leaving, and times when I couldn't imagine my life without it.  There are friends who've grown weary, who've had their fingers burnt or just generally burnt out, and yes there is a life outside of the ATC, but right now I want in.  

When you can teach someone something, impart some knowledge, some small technique that they'll take with them into life, whether or not they remember that you taught them, you have left a small legacy in this world.  When I look back at my time as a cadet, I remember certain staff members, the way they looked after me, things they said in times when I couldn't drag my arse up a hill, the praise they gave me for a job well done and I feel proud that I'm part of that team.

As your old cadets grow up, leave and then they add you on Facebook and you see them living their dreams, travelling, university, qualifying, starting families, getting married, you wonder if they remember back to the time you were waiting at the end of their DofE with water and words of encouragement, if they remember the banter on the multitude of mini bus rides you took or the times they forgot canvas wasn't sound proof and you just heard every piece of gossip on squadron!

I love my cadet family, I love how you can meet someone on Saturday morning and by the end of Sunday you're devastated that you won't see them again for weeks, and that goes for cadets and staff, though as staff you're less likely to cry and have angst... :)

So now, as I tap away on my smart phone my eyes are closing and I can feel the much needed sleep I missed out on last night tapping me on the shoulder and saying "it's time", and at least if my bladder decides to wake me up again, it's only 10 steps to salvation and no zips, muddy boots or icicles!!

I guess the point of tonights blog is that if you can give, give.  And give without a desire to receive, because the rewards are countless, limitless and endless.

More like me....

Thursday 7th April 2016

In a rare change of pace from Pride and Prejudice, I thought we'd start todays blog with a quote from some old school Jayz and Linkin Park, Numb/Encore.  It's my blog, I'm sure we'll return to some Jane Austen soon!  She has so much good stuff to say, believe me!  But for today, take it away Jay-Z and Linkin Park....

"I'm becoming this, all I want to do, is be more like me, and be less like you!"

Every day we listen to so much chatter and noise, everything makes a sound, the TV, the washing machine, a tap running, birds, traffic, people.  Everyone has something to say, some noise to make, some advice to give.  However when you feel at your most raw and exposed, music and lyrics have the ability to reach in and really rip emotions you didn't know you had out of your core.  Last night, I literally felt those 4 sentences in every pore, every vein, every bone, every organ.  I didn't just hear with my ears, I felt with my heart, I saw what it meant with my own eyes.  I am becoming someone new, more like ME and less like you know who!

I have made good choices recently, set myself new challenges, reconnected with old friends and made some bloody lovely new ones!  I have new routines, and I've really connected with my Mum and Dad again despite the distance.  I suppose they worry more now that I'm out in the big wide world alone, but I know that they are so proud of the way I am handling myself and my slow gentle steps in a new direction.  I am imensely proud of the fact they are proud of me, in fact writing that sentence pricks my eyes with tears.  My mum and dad split up when I was young, I was always determined that if I got married, it would be forever, but life has educated me, and I find myself understanding them and their decisions more.  I have never wanted for anything, and despite my troublesome teens and my crazy "I'm marrying a man I've known 6 months and moving to London" decisions, they love me through it all, and I know I'm not always easy to love!


I found a quote yesterday that really struck something deep down in me, I shared it on Facebook and it seemed to strike a chord with others too.

"The same boiling water that softens potatoes, hardens eggs.  It's all about what you are made of, not your circumstances."

So I guess I'm wondering what am I made of?  Sugar and spice and all things nice? Hardly! I'm a right pain in the arse most of the time as my family and friends will attest.  But I do rise to a challenge, and the last couple of months have been the most challenging of my life.  

If you found yourself in deep water and you couldn't swim, would you just go under?  Or would you fight with every ounce of your being to keep your head above water?  Would you care if your arms flailed around and the muscles in your legs burnt from kicking if it kept you afloat?  Would you worry if you swallowed a couple of mouthfuls whilst you were screaming for help as long as it didn't drown you and help came?

I no longer care about those people who think I should be over what happened to me already, their opinions don't matter.  I fell head first into my deep water and I didn't drown.  I'm learning how to swim, but it doesn't mean I'm proficient, what it means is that with good teachers, fantastic support and an end goal in sight I know should I ever fall again, I'll have the skills to survive and thrive.

So regardless of whether I'm a potato or an egg, whether my world is silent or noisy, or whether you're judging me or not whilst you read this, my circumstances are what they are and I think I know how I'm surviving, because I'm made of good old Yorkshire grit, and we all know it!

Dancing in the rain...

Someone said this weekend that writing this blog was brave.  To share my thoughts and feelings in such an exposed and vulnerable way.  I'm not sure if it's brave or stupid to let people dissect the inner workings of my random mind, but I have had such amazing feedback and some people have said how it has helped them make sense of a few things, so that's lovely to hear! The one thing I know is that it helps me. It gives me a centre, a place to focus myself.  So I do thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!

It would be easy to forget that it's just a mere 45 days since my marriage ended.  Just 6 weeks ago I was planning my future with a man I don't even recognise anymore.  I have to repeat that this blog is not here to punish him, because that would make it about him, and this is about me, and of course there is some censorship because I am not always wise in how I react to him, and I'd probably get my blog taken down if I said everything I wanted to vent some days.  He knows what he did, and he can choose to tell people half truths about how things ended, he's not the man I remember, so it makes it easier to let that stuff go.

And after saying it's not about him and going on about him I really should move onto the point of this blog!

I have had the most amazing 4 days that I have had in years!  There are just simply never enough hours in the day, or enough days in the weekend to see everyone I want to see when I go back to Yorkshire! But I have filled every day with new adventures and new memories!  I have the biggest grin on my face and people at work can attest to that!  My accent has also returned to the point where Kate has asked me twice to repeat myself!  

Ah Yorkshire.  I love you.  For those of you who see my Facebook posts, Paula has featured heavily this weekend, and since she was upset she didn't get a shout out in last weeks blog, hi Paula *waves* And then there was Becky saying she had a premonition one of us was going to be murdered on our night out, mind you some of the folk in the Cross Keys did look like they might make that come true! And bless Nicola, out at 8 and hammered by 10!! "This is Bob!"

Anyway Yorkshire! Seriously people... If you've never been to the gorgeous costal town of Whitby, GO! If you've never walked anywhere in the Yorkshire Dale's let alone near Linton Falls, GO! If you've never had curry in Bradford, GO! If you've never been drinking with my girlfriends, well that's sensible... your liver will probably thank you for abstaining!

I have no idea where I found the energy to go on a 12k walk in Grassington on Saturday, after staying out until the early hours drinking and only getting 3 hours sleep!  I can only guess that my fabulous Friday night had something to do with it, but it was gorgeous! The storm held off and I got to spend some real quality time with one of my besties Lyndsey *waves* putting the world to rights and showing I'm not always blonde, I do have my sensible navigational moments!

I am loving walking!  I always have before, but this year it really has become a passion!  I set myself a challenge to walk 500km in the year 2016, not all at once, I definitely don't have the stamina for that! Small walks can count, but they have to be tracked and ones that you go out for! Bouyed by my brilliant bank holiday when I got home yesterday with the sun shining I decided to go out again, and even tonight with the rain pouring I managed a nice 5k and I'm pleased to say that I've clocked up 114k already! So I might actually complete this challenge!

I have had so many hugs and love this weekend! From family, from old friends and from new friends and they have just lifted my spirits so much so that I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky...

There's a quote about not waiting for the storm to pass and about learning how to dance in the rain... I feel like that's what I'm doing... I'm taking time to process what's happened to me, I'm allowed to be angry and have my upset days... But I'll damn well dance on days I want to dance, and whether it be Storm Katie or Hurricane Lini I'll come out of the other side with a grin on my face and love in my heart, because heartbreak won't beat me, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  Right now? I feel strong. 

Roller Coaster...

"A girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then, it is something to think of" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I'm sorry my dear Jane, but this time you're wrong! I could have really done without being crossed in love.  Sometimes I wonder that I might be a bit too broken to even think about starting again.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster on the emotional front.  Monday rolled around with the realisation that it was a month since... I should have some name for the horrific events of valentines weekend, but I don't... I'm just going to say since my marriage ended, and I have to say it hit me harder than I thought it would.  Not because I have any wish to return to where we were, but just to experience the realisation that the clock only ticks one way.  I know that one month will become two, and then six and a year will have passed soon enough.  I'm not going to "celebrate"  or "commiserate" on every month "anniversary" but when you've spent ten years with someone, a month without them is a really long time.  So I allowed myself to be upset, but I did very little to really cope with it and so the upset continued into the week.  I'm a master at painting a happy face on sadness, and my job keeps me so busy some days it's 5pm before I've even realised what mood I'm in, so I guess outwardly noone knew the pain bubbling below the surface.  But Friday came around with its promise of a busy weekend and I found the clouds lifting.

I really should have spoken to someone, talked through how low I felt, but I didnt. Lesson learnt for the future.

On Saturday I think I caught up on all the laughter I'd missed midweek, in large part thanks to the great company and beautiful Oxfordshire countryside.  Ross and Joel whilst mocking me mercilessly lifted my spirits higher than the hill we had to climb to see the beacon!  Then it was home, a quick change and off to challenge my knowledge with a quiz night! And Alan, Jamie, Geoff and Susanna managed to keep me on the high as we bossed our way through a fun quiz night! How do I know that an octopus has 3 hearts? Or that J is the only letter not to appear in the periodic table? Yet I don't know things that make Ross tell me to "READ A BOOK!" And there must have been something in the air as when I bought my raffle tickets, I said to Jamie that I like the number 444 as it always reminds me of love and light, and sure enough ticket 444 won me a bottle of Bellini cocktail! I mean the last 4 letters spell Lini! It was like it was meant to be!

And today, my first outing with my new squadron and new cadets.  For those who don't know I decided that Windsor cadets held too many memories, driving down that road would forever remind me of happier times and whilst happy times are good memories, I fear to relive them week after week would begin to make me bitter.  So I have decided to wave the white flag at Herts and Bucks Wing, and Stacey has really welcomed me with open arms.  She's done an amazing job as the OC and she has a young squadron with a lot of potential.  It feels exciting to be back at cadets, sure there is a fabulous social life element to it that I desperately need right now, but to help guide and shape young people's futures is rewarding and fulfilling.  I had so much fun as cadet and I made life long friendships that continue to this day, even with my first love, who three timed me with a girl nicknamed mushroom head! But we're over that now....

Our day out today at the RAF Museum was funny, chatting as a staff team, taking selfies of course!  Realising maybe we made the quiz a little too hard... But I am happy to have had a weekend full of laughter.

So I know the gaps between my blogs are getting longer, it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say but more that I am sometimes struggling with the words to express how you move on, and I have probably lost some readers who think "Isn't she over this yet" but this is my space to vent, to laugh, to cry and to become Lini... I know it's ok not to be OK... So here's hoping that next week, with so much to look forward to, there is no Monday wobble!

So if you're still with me, thank you.. Thank you for wanting to know how I am, for your messages of support, your hugs, and your company.  Being on my own and being alone are two very different things and you make the journey easier.

Home is where the heart is

“Till this moment I never knew myself.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I have been thinking for days about this phrase, "Home is where the heart is."  It keeps coming up in conversations, on the TV, in books etc.

Sure enough for years I have always believed my heart lay in Yorkshire, after all only those of us who grew up in and around Birstall will understand the unique qualities of the village, there is a warmth about the place that cannot be explained.  My ever supportive family and friends live there and I love spending time there.  Sure there are some questionable elements, but on the whole, I've always imagined one day I'll settle back there.

However when I found out for the 2nd time about his infidelity, my gut instinct wasn't to go home, to "down tools" and run away.  Sure I wanted to see my friends and family and have someone put their arms around me and whisper that it was going to be ok, but I didn't feel the instant urge to hand my notice in and move back.  And I think the last few days I've begun to understand why.  I want to know who I am without my old life to dictate it.  It would be easy to slip back in, but I have made a life for myself here down south, and it deserves a fair shot.  

Home isn't always necessarily a place. For ten years my heart has been wherever he was. He was my home, my anchor, my warmth and comfort.  I only ever wanted to be where he was, and that is the army life way, you don't form attachments to houses or friends because as soon as you do, you'll get posted elsewhere.  Every second your other half is away from you on training exercises or actually at war your heart isn't whole because a part it is always with them.  You function, you get by, you live your daily life, but at night when you curl up alone you whisper into the dark "I love you" in the hope their heart will hear you.

I'm not scared or embarrased to say that my heart is now broken, there is noone to hear me whisper I love you into the dark, in fact there isn't a person to say it to, my anchor doesn't exist anymore.  So is my heart lost without a place to call home?

The last few days I have laughed so hard and so much more than I have in a long time, and in unexpected places with some unexpected people.  Sure drinking port from the decanter probably wasn't amongst my finest moments, but the banter and the genuine laughter as the last few days have passed have made me think about finding new places for my heart to live.  Whittling wood with cadets as they learnt life skills from someone with passion, dining in with cadet staff and laughing into the early hours, sunday lunch with Lou hiding broccoli under my mash potato, using up Fayes minutes as the years we haven't spoken for just melted away... all these things, they've made me smile all day long today.

So I've decided that since my heart is broken, I'll divvy up the pieces for safe keeping.  A piece with my mum and a piece with my dad for always loving and being proud of me whatever my choices.  Pieces for my girlfriends who love me no matter how crazy or needy I can be.  Pieces for my "army" friends who are spread far and wide now but who our shared experiences mean we'll always have something in common.  Pieces for my cadet family who share joy in #whatwedo and a piece for Yorkshire for being "Gods own county".

One day I know I'll find someone who will have the ability to unite all the pieces,  I have complete faith in that.  How can I have such faith? Because that person will be me.  Just as soon as I figure out who "me" is.  

The next step...

What are men to rocks and mountains -Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

So the Chilterns may not quite be the "wild untamed beauty of the peaks" but there was something special about getting out in the countryside on Saturday.  It really made me stop and think.  I know I haven't blogged for a few days, but tonight I felt the bubbles of a blog and here we are.

I grew up in Yorkshire in the 80's/90's with real fresh air, green hills and beautiful views.  It was a time that smart phones didn't exist and you couldn't use a band on your wrist to track how far you'd come! I spent most of my childhood "playing out", kicking a ball around the field with the boys, playing off ground tig and ending up falling out of a tree into a pile of nettles, or seeing who could climb the highest in big conker tree and shake them loose.  I had friends who lived just streets away that we spent hours walking around, chatting about nothing much, building dens or bimbling up to "oakie" or "gummy tunnel" just for a laugh!

I was never part of the gaming generation, I never understood the thrill of sitting down inside staring at a screen, I loved being outdoors! Sure as my teen years hit I spent lots of time under a duvet and not stirring before noon when I could, but when I joined cadets that all changed.  My name would be first on the list for a camping trip, and despite never being truly an athletic build I loved a good walk out in Settle or Malham, or wherever the staff decided to take us!  Cadets truly opened my eyes to the world that was out there!

I remember the first time I ever visited the Cow and Calf rocks at Ilkey with Jenny, Andy and Mid after a camping trip in his mini! The sun was beaming down and the place just took my breath away!  The rich history, the carvings, the heather, the rocks.... It remains to this day one of my favourite places on this earth! 

Being outdoors with good company does something for the soul, stomping away the miles, getting mud in and on your boots, seeing the world as the seasons change and develop it.  The old dying off and making way for the new.  Birds spreading their wings overhead, hares running around the field, deer in the far off distance.  And of course not forgetting the vast choice of country pubs to rest your weary feet in when your companion decides that a detour round a large field is an excellent idea.

I was always sad that it was a chore for my ex.  That he didn't look up at the world in the same way I did.  When it snowed in January I wanted to get out to a high point and see the snow on the hills, watch how it clung to the fields and changed the landscape from what you thought you knew.  I remember asking him why he didn't want to see it, to open his eyes to what is out there.  I asked if my future was to never see the beauty of the world with the man I loved.  It was then, like a cracking branch in a silent wood there was a moment I felt my heart break.  I chose to apologise for trying to make him look up, and he chose to sleep with someone else... But I shan't digress.

Walking really gives the mind chance to breathe not just the lungs.  You just have to put one foot in front of the other.  As my dad says, the only step that counts is the next step.  You don't get anywhere by standing still.  And your lungs may ache, and your feet may feel like they're in concrete but one step at a time.

I will see the world with people I love, I realise that now.  This year I will climb my mountain.  Physically and mentally, and when I look back I'll realise that my dad is right, the only step that counted really was the next step.