The sisters I chose for myself...

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer

 

Yesterday my ex upset me once again, those of you who can see his Facebook will know what I'm talking about and those of you who can't, well, it'll come as no surprise that on the day I chose to share that I've met someone pretty amazing, he took that as the green light to shout how much he loves the tramp he cheated on me with.  C'est la vie, what's done is done, it doesn't change anything and just proves how little is left of the man I loved.  Tonight I felt like it was time to sort through some old photos and purge the ones of the two of us, what happened though was something entirely unexpected and simply magical.

I opened the box on the shelf that houses my old photo albums, yes actual insert photo albums, and as I sifted through some packets and ripped up some photos, it wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be, but there was a tinge of sadness... 

I began to look through albums entitled "Adventures 2003/2004/2005" before I met my ex, and I found myself smiling, then beaming and then physically laughing out loud, so I reached for my phone to share with the 5 people who know me inside and out some amazing memories!

I have alluded to "my girls" before in this blog, but tonight I truly realised just how lucky I am.  Paula, Lyndsey, Becky, Nicola and Amy are the sisters I chose for myself, sometimes whether they like it or not.  Our friendship has withstood the test of time, distance, heartaches and so much more. I cannot imagine where I would be if it were not for these girls who have given me a heart full of joy.  

They are the people with whom I have the absolute freedom to be myself, and yes they don't always agree with my decisions, they don't always think I'm wise and they definitely know I have a self destruct button that they try and steer me well away from, but of any friends I've ever known, I truly believe they love me unconditionally and will be with me forever.  They are beautiful people, inside and out, and whilst we all have our flaws, we accept them, embrace them and love each other all the more for them.

As I turned page after page of memories, drunken selfies from before selfies were a thing, photos from road trips, holidays abroad, rare photos of their partners when it was a crime to bring a boy on a girls night out (unless it was Pete!)  I found my heart physically beating with love.  I have had the misfortune to lose the ability to remember a large chunk of the last ten years of my life with real affection, I am unable to share those memories with the person who was by my side in my tenure in the south, but I realised these girls have always been by my side, they've always been in my heart.

We are all so different, we all have our own style, our own types, in fact when we put together our partners at Nicolas wedding, they were all so randomly different we wondered what they found to talk about!  Yet despite our differences we work as a group.  I live 200 miles away from them and yet I realise I feel more connected to them than I ever did to my ex who lived in the same house as me.

I am lucky, so lucky that I can call these girls my friends.  They might be quick to click the "Add Friend" button to wind me up, but they are even quicker to throw a box of tissues at my head when I'm crying, they checked on me every day in the aftermath of the "Valentines massacre" and they have each in their own way given me strength and encouragement to see myself as someone who matters again. 


They have held me whilst I have cried.  They have talked to me for hours on the same subject, never once telling me to shut up and get over it.  They have expressed with the appreciated vitriol their feelings about what my ex did.  They even "sucked it up" and prepared to forgive him for me when I chose to take him back at first.  And they never once said "I told you so" when it all inevitably fell apart.

I could extoll each of their individual virtues, but they'd all tell me off for using big words!  I could list the things they've done for me, but there isn't enough space on this blog.  I wanted to share with the people who read this blog just how special friendship is, how it can save you.  You don't always see the big moments coming, you really don't know how much your life can change in the blink of an eye.  I didn't.  But the one thing I did know was that the moment I needed these girls, they were there for me, no questions asked, no excuses made.

I love them.  It's a simple as that.  I love them.  They are the 5 greatest loves of my life.
 
**This blog is not to discredit any of my other friends with whom I share fabulous memories and beautiful friendships, so please do not be disheartened that you are not mentioned this evening.**

It's always darkest before the dawn...

Tuesday 16th August 2016

The 13/14th passed without conscious thought again this month, perhaps because my heart is somewhat distracted...

 

"It's always darkest before the dawn." - Florence and The Machine

 
How many times have you heard that expression?  How many times has someone put an arm around you and whispered those words?  How many times have the words been accompanied with a conciliatory smile? Have you ever sat up and investigated if it's true, whether that be intentionally or unintentionally?  Maybe it's not actually that dark, maybe it's just something people say to soothe you when things seem bleak...

"Stars can't shine without darkness." - Too many folk to give credit to...

How about that one? A platitude designed to let you know that the darkness will reveal hidden strengths in your character that you never knew you had.  But stars do shine in the darkness.  I remember when I moved to London I really missed the stars.  The light pollution in Knightsbridge meant that you could never truly see the sky, and the stars were what kept me connected to home, kept me feeling like I was under the same sky as my family and friends.  But what about when you don't want to shine in the dark?  What if you want to exist in the sunshine? 

"Everybody wants to be a diamond, but nobody wants to get cut" - Lots of dispute on the internet over who this quote belongs to...

I wondered if for the last 6 months I have been living in that hour before dawn, comfortable to shine in the darkness.  Unable to move to a position where I could feel the sun on my face.  Maybe now I'm ready to be a diamond. After all I've been cut repeatedly and diamonds really do shine bright under the right kind of light.

This weekend the dawn burst forth in glorious technicolour.  The light was blinding, in fact for a moment on Sunday it knocked me clean off my feet.  I wasn't prepared for it.  I know what the sun looks like, and I know what blue skies are.  I know deep down I have been apprehensive about the sunrise, about watching a new day really get started... 

On Sunday I really felt the sun on my face.  I basked in it.  I was wrapped up in the warmth of the day.  On Sunday I knew that I mattered.

Pretty soon I'm going to have to take a leap of faith and this terrifies me.  I have survived the darkness, I am enjoying a new dawn.  But could I survive another darkness, would it dull my shine completely?  It's a chicken and egg scenario.  Do you give out trust and wait for it to be broken, or do you withhold trust and wait for it to be earned?

I am slightly gutted that this is the 2nd time I've written this post, because some of the original sentiment and outpouring has been lost.  I am aware I am talking in riddles and metaphors, and I'd like to apologise.  I'd like to, but I won't.  You all know what I'm talking about... :)

Bitter or better? ...

Tuesday 9th August 2016

In a break from tradition, I saw a quote on a friends Facebook and it is those words that have inspired today's blog rather than my ever faithful Jane Austen.

"You either get bitter or you get better.  It's that simple.  You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.  The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you." - Josh Shipp - Motivational Speaker Dude

The above quote really struck me.  It was the highlighted words, "bitter", "better", "choice" "belongs to you".  The last time that my ex upset me, I realised I was holding onto ideas about him being a better person than he is.  Once I let go of that it was almost like I let go of a lead weight.  

The last two weeks have kept me so busy, I haven't felt the urge to blog.  Previously my feelings have bubbled up inside me like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.  I could almost feel the steam squeezing out of the smallest gaps, but for the last few weeks, I haven't felt that way.
 
I realise after seeing that quote that I made a choice to let go of the "bitter".  It's been very easy to feel hard done to.  With everything that I gave up for him, with everything I supported him through, the false promises for the future, the loss of him hardened me.  It made my daily persona like a suit of armour that I would put on every morning, weighing me down, and despite the feelings of relief over certain things and the happiness created with other people, I was still sunk down with convincing everyone and myself that I was moving forward and that I was going to be ok.

When I found out about my ex cheating I felt like I was a problem.  I felt unattractive.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  People said I was actually too good for my ex and that he deserves the trash he's now picked up.
 
I honestly feel like now I made a choice to be better after that last fight.  I actively decided he could take what he wanted then, because actually it would be one of the last things he could take, and it didn't even really matter that much to me.

I said in February that I wouldn't make any big decisions about my life, my future and "what next" for a good six months.  I needed time to heal.  I wouldn't say that I'm healed yet, but Stacey did remind me that September is just around the corner and this was the "deadline" I'd given myself for some of the more immediate life decisions I need to make.  Home, Job, etc.  Because of the choice I made to let go of my anger, I have found myself excited at some of the options I have available to me.  I don't know which path I'm going to choose just yet, but I know that I am ready to start to think about those big decisions that in February made me feel physically sick to contemplate.

In other news I have been holding myself back from becoming attached to someone new, fears, doubts, worries and a distinct ability to overthink every situation are my forte, but I have met someone who doesn't see me as the nightmare headcase I suspect myself to be.  I said very clearly that I had to have things in common with any new person who wanted to be with me in the future, we had to share an interest, and preferably mine in walking!  But life doesn't deal the hands you want, I should definitely know that by now.  
 
We have little or no common interests, we live very different lives, but there is a spark there that makes me feel like maybe just maybe.... I have held back from social media, I have held back from speaking about him in this blog and even now I am not going to go into details.  This is not about him.  This is about me.  So what I can say is this....

I really like him.

Until next time people :) x

Maybe it's just yourself that you're fighting...

Thursday 28th July 2016

"Angry people are not always wise" - Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice

After promising myself I wouldn't post Facebook statuses that were blatantly aimed at my ex, this week I let myself down.  There are reasons, there are excuses, but there really is no need.

People say that I have been grieving over my marriage, because grief is a natural response to the loss of someone very dear.  They say that I'll experience many emotions because there isn't a text book for each person and situation.  They also say it may feel like it will never end, but that it will.  Grief is unique to each person. 

What I've realised is that my ex isn't grieving what he's lost.  Lini has been compartmentalised and packed away in a part of his pysche, that I imagine won't unravel for many years to come.  Lini is now just someone he used to know.  I'm not even sure he thinks of me as someone he used to love, based on his behaviours towards me some days.

I understand that calling other people fat will never make you thin, calling other people ugly will never make you pretty and holding onto things that cause you pain will never heal a broken heart.

What he asked of me this week was unreasonable. Unreasonable in my eyes, my friends eyes and my families eyes.  But the fundamental point is, that didn't matter to him.

I cannot waste my energy in hoping he'll be a better man, that he will think about my feelings in his actions.  I have to accept that he is not ever going to put me first again.  And the anger that I feel when he acts like a prick, is only ever going to upset me, and I really don't like being upset.  It doesn't suit me, it's really not my colour, and you can't accessorise it with a good pair of heels! 

I am not ready to forgive what he did, I am not ready to forget, I don't know that I will ever do either, but there was a moment this week where my rage just left me.  I realised that was within my control.  I was holding onto something that made me furious, but when I let it go, the relief was astounding.

I would like to know if there's anything else she'd like to take of mine, I mean I have 2 kidneys after all, after this week I'm not sure they're above asking for one of those... But even with that slice of sarcasm, I'm actually smiling...

Maybe it has been myself that I'm fighting, the Lini who believed that deep down there was a modicum of good left in the man I loved.  That Lini and I shall no longer come to blows on that subject.

There are people out there who will take time out of their day to make you smile, not cause you pain.  Today someone did that for me.  With the simplest of actions, they made me beam from ear to ear.  Why?  The romantics will say because they're smitten.  The cynics will say because they want something.  The realists will say simply because they wanted to. 

So it's with that dawning realisation that this Lini approaches this weekend with a much lighter heart, a smile from ear to ear and plans with people who think I'm pretty special.  

See you in August! xx

Yo-yo...

Tuesday 19th July 2016

"I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine" - Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice

On Saturday night, I realised that it was the 16th July.  The 16th.  A grin spread across my face.  Why?  Because this month I hadn't noticed the 13th and 14th pass by.   I hadn't felt panicked or pained, in fact my pysche hadn't even reacted, it hadn't dragged me back to memories of the Valentines Massacre I'm trying to leave behind.  I felt elated!

And then... well...

I was alerted to something my ex had posted on his social media, a photograph of him and... hmmmm how should I describe the c*** who thought nothing of repeatedly spreading her legs for my husband when we were together, whilst that is an accurate description, it doesn't very flow well, maybe we'll just leave a *** as an implication, because I have no wish to ever utter her name.  

The photo didn't bother me, it was the content of the description that went with it.  He praised *** for many things, but the one that stung, was for "setting him free".  It read very much like the obliteration of my life was just her "setting him free".  I was hurt, furious, angry, upset and hurt some more.  I had never thought of our marriage as a prison he needed to be freed from.  Whilst we were on different paths, I never imagined his was a caged walkway...

I reacted.  Badly.  I allowed it to consume me.  When he came to collect some post, I was shaking with anger.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  He justified himself, said it hadn't meant to be unkind me, I was never supposed to see it, it wasn't about me and him, it was about him and her.  Lovely to know...

He said something that made me even angrier, about how I'm the strongest person he knows.  How even with everything he's put me through, I'm carrying on, I haven't become depressed, I still get up, go to work, push forward with my life, smash my challenges etc.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that other than, "Are you fucking kidding me?"  If he'd chopped off my leg, would I be thanking him for making me realise I could still do things with one leg?  Would I bollocks.  I have never felt like I understood him less than I did in that moment. 

I confess I haven't been kind to him on my social media, I have had a few pops when I've felt particularly low.  Some angry tweets have been put out there.  In fact even this blog doesn't paint him in a favourable light, however I think given what happened it's unlikely that I would extoll his virtues.  Not that I could name any of them right now.  But I'm the wronged party, I'm the one dealing with the hurt whilst he's just cruising on his free wings...

What I now realise is that 5 months is not a long time.  Whilst I have been making leaps forward, and enjoying myself, there are times I have glossed over the depth of the wound.  I have dressed it well, treated the surface damage, but the agony that lies deep within me, hidden most days from view, can be exposed with even just those 3 words I was "never meant to see".

I am strong, I am a force of nature some days, I am woman hear me roar etc..... but other days I am just a little girl, who's heart got broken so badly by the boy who swore he'd love and protect her until the end of time.  There are times the lump in my throat prevents me from articulating what I want to say, times that my eyeballs sting and my lens become cloudy and my eyes fiercly green from the tears.

Someone told me that my heart will heal, that it's not my heart I need to worry about.  It's my mind, that's where the damage is.  I'm a overthinker, I play out scenarios and situations until I think I understand every outcome and eventuality.  I can't envisage ever trusting anyone again, ever wanting to let someone truly in... 

I don't know how many of you remember back in the day way before health and safety, when some property owners would put shards of broken glass in the top of their concrete walls to prevent people climbing on them (it may have just been a Yorkshire in the 80's early 90's thing, before some thief inevitably sued the property owner because they ended up cutting themselves on it!)   

I guess I've built some walls I never intended to build, and the memories in my mind act like those shards of glass, their message being, "I won't let you close enough to hurt me..."

Run Fat Lass! Run...

Tuesday 12th July 2016

I have to laugh, I wanted to call this blog something punny and amusing so I googled "fat lass running" for some inspiration.  I was quite taken aback by some of the images that came up!  Clearly I am not the first fat lass to ever don trainers and do a bit of jogging, and it's great to see that so many other women have taken up a challenge to get outdoors and achieve something.  

The choice to run a 5km race is part of my 12 Challenges for 2016, and to raise money for a charity whilst improving my fitness, and helping achieve my other goals is something I am keen to do.

There are lots of inspirational meme's and quotes about running, and the #thisgirlcan pages are full of tips and motivation, so if you see me huffing and puffing my way round the streets of Hemel and beyond in the next few weeks it'll explain what I'm doing anyway.  Though I think my neighbours are used to seeing me out in my black and pink trainers stomping the km's in for my 500km challenge.

I make no apology for being a fat lass, that's my "curse to bear".  I did enjoy hearing a recent conversation where someone said, "she's got a pretty face, but she's not my type".  I would reiterate that any decision or choice to lose weight comes from my personal drive, not in response to any comments or situations like that.  #prettyforafatlass 

I try not to think about the white van men who think it's appropriate to beep or holler at those of who are not natural athletes as we pound the pavement on our personal journeys.  I could understand if they were beeping me because I was sitting on my sofa eating Peanut Butter Cup Ben and Jerrys and watching reality TV!  A friend say maybe they're just beeps of encouragement to keep going and not give in, but I suspect people are not always that kind.

My Pretty Muddy Race for Life is on the 3rd September, a mere 53 days away, which sounds a lot, but in reality is nothing.  The most I've managed to "run" consecutively for at the moment is 1km of the 5km and I haven't even advertised my fundraising page (shameless plug coming up) so I'm going to include the link here and hope that maybe just a few of my lovely readers will support me in achieving my goal, and in raising some money for research into the shitty disease that robs so many of us of the people we love.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/liniforrest

I have had my first sponsor, I'm not sure who, but if it's one of you I thank you for your support and belief that I'll do what I set my mind to.  I'm sure my mind can overcome the inevitable red cheeks, burning lungs and achey legs this challenge will create.

A huge shout out to Stacey who will be there racing with me to make sure I drag my arse round the course, and she'll no doubt push me in her lovely style, which I suspect in her head is "come the fuck on Lini", but said in a much kinder tone with a calculating smile, (she's probably calculating how much more she can make me do before she kills me...)

53 days... Oh fuck... 

Love, laughter and some LPGs...

Wednesday 6th July 2016

"The distance is nothing when one has a motive.”- Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice

I find myself in a really happy positive place as I sit here and tap away at the keyboard tonight.  It's strange as I just returned from the north yesterday, and there is usually something of a deflated feeling for a few days after that, especially as I'm looking at a run of almost 8 weeks before my next jaunt in Yorkshire.  But this time, even though August Bank Jollyday feels so far away I feel happy, like good things are happening here, or maybe I'm just excited by the prospect of not having to pack anything into a suitcase for 8 weeks!!

So the Mumma turned the big 60 on Sunday, whoop free prescriptions as she said!  The Mumma booked a beautiful cottage in the Dales in a stunning place called Hawes, and the family "Townend-Idle-Forrest(Snelson)" gathered to celebrate together.  It was a long drive north in the baking sunshine in my dented Astra which desperately needs its AC charging, but I was in a very good mood so the miles melted away.  I had my pink bon bons for company, a thoughtful little gift for my helluva drive!  There was a  slight diversion on the A1 where my sat nav thought I could turn left into a grass bank, followed by some roads through and beyond Catterick of all places, and I was soon in countryside that made my heart leap and my phone lose signal!  If you haven't been to the Yorkshire Dales, just go.  Honestly just GO!  Let it soothe your soul.  Take nothing but photos and leave nothing but footprints...

What followed was a weekend of love, laughter and some LPGs (large Pinot Grigio).  Living so far away, and visiting mostly on weekends I don't get to spend long periods of time with my family, so to just sit back and relax together was so special.  I miss the Mummas laugh, and this weekend, what with "Sues reviews" and a Ravensthorpe style 2 verse happy birthday song from Eve (that I'm not allowed to put on Facebook) I have heard it so much it warmed my heart.  We even managed to cross oceans and skype "the rellies" in Australia!  Uncle Karl looks more like Grandad did every day! But shush don't tell him!  There are so many memories that I will take away from the weekend, so many cuddles and tickles and crazy moments from my nephews that I'm quite sustained for my 8 week absence.  Oh and I won at Cluedo!  Poor Mrs White in the Ballroom, I knew dancing would be the death of her! 

I won't pretend that there weren't a few moments where I felt like I was missing something, when you've had someone by your side for ten years there is an obvious gap at this sort of gathering, and when my 3 year old nephew asked where "Uncle Beard" was, there was a momentary sting in the old eyeballs, but it was quickly moved on from, and he's 3, how is he to understand any of it? I'd be more worried if he did, and I certainly wouldn't want him to waste any time thinking about it!

I'd wanted to go get a walk on the Saturday night, have some head space, so when I announced I was going out, my 8 year old nephew Harry asked if he could come too, which then prompted little Tommy to want to come as well.  I had a choice, I could disappoint two smiling faces and be alone with my thoughts, or I could embrace the fact that these lovely little cheeky chimps wanted to spend time with me!  So off we set as a happy little trio and Tommy made it about 500 metres before he wanted to be carried! Bless, spending my time being bossed about by a 3 year old made me laugh so much!

So I took away memories and photos that I will cherish, and will keep me going until the next occassion when we can all spend time together as a family.  I am reminded of a quote that I had on my wall when I first moved to London:-

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye, and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you." - Frederick Buechner 

Well wasn't Frederick Buechner just a know-it-all!