The most wonderful time of the year...

Tuesday 10th January 2017

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Blimey! It's 2017, not only is it 2017, but its 10 days into 2017! I mean thats just a mere 348 days left until it's Christmas all over again... Ok ok enough with the bah humbugs, I know most of us are only just recovering from the festivities and the permitted daytime drinking...  Firstly Happy 40th Birthday to Paula, your Hula party was legendary!  Secondly Happy not 40th Birthday to Nicola, I hope you had a great birthday!

When I started this blog on a very cold day in February 2016 I had a very broken heart, I was reeling from betrayal, ready to believe that I'd never let anyone close to me ever again, and I guess convinced that by the time Christmas came around I'd be living back in the bosom of my family and friends in Yorkshire.  Well didn't my year deal me an unexpected hand...

I have probably said this many times, with 39 unread blogs under my mince pie and prosecco widened belt I couldn't tell you what I've said by now, but I am a fan of moments.  What follows now is not something I am bitter about, but it gives context and clarity for me to look back on.  Back in October 2015 when I took my ex back he bought me a new engagement ring because I'd said I could never wear my old rings again knowing how much he had disrespected our vows.  I asked him to find a moment to give it to me.  I wasn't asking for a grand gesture, just a moment in time where he said something to me that meant it wouldn't just be the ring he bought because he cheated.  I specifically asked him not to give it to me on Christmas day.

The ring sat in the box for weeks, gathering dust.  I waited, wondering if each day or night would have been the night that he cuddled me tight and told me everything I needed to hear, everything about how sorry he was and how much he loved me, but it never came.  Days rolled on, I struggled on, cried myself to sleep most nights, I worried constantly if he was still in touch with her or if he was looking for someone new instead.  

On Christmas day in front of his family he decided to conceal the ring in another gift.  I opened the bag and I panicked, it wasn't right, I had specifically said I didn't want this scene, I didn't want everyone to be involved in our moment, in having to explain why he was giving me a new ring, what was wrong with the old one etc.  I hastily closed the bag and gestured to him that it wasn't the right time.  He became sullen and moody.  He said he felt rejected, that was the moment he'd chosen.  What he hadn't taken into account when making his choices were my feelings, which pretty much summed up the last few years of our relationship anyway.  In all honesty, despite what it looked like to the outside world, we had a very unhappy Christmas, the best way to describe it as like two jigsaw pieces that look like they fit together, but actually there are subtle differences which mean as hard as you try, they just don't sit right.  

I tried, I painted a happy face on him giving me the ring, I said it didn't matter about moments, but what I realise now more than ever, is that I shouldn't give up what matters to me.  Last week AD and I went for dinner, I asked for some mayonnaise, I know I know it's bad for you but shush! The waitress brought it over and put it down.  It was the other side of the table from where I was sitting so I reached over (what I realise now was somewhat awkwardly) and dunked my chip.  I went back to picking at bits on my plate and as I did, AD moved the mayonnaise closer to my plate. I hadn't looked at him, I hadn't asked, I hadn't suggested he do it, he just made that moment a bit easier for me without me even asking.  And it made me realise, that's who he is, kind, caring, genuine and without concious thought he seems to want to make things easy for me.  

It seems silly I guess that I'm comparing a diamond ring to chip dunking mayonnaise, but my thought pattern often resembles Mr Tickles arms so I'm not too shocked.  There were what feels like a million other moments over the Christmas and New Year break in which I fell more and more in love with AD.

I loved seeing him with my family, his face when my mum gave him a flat cap, him laughing at my Stepdads pun after pun after pun.  I liked watching my nephews working him out, 4 year old Tommy tickling his feet and beating him up with a cushion.  I liked hearing him chat about landrovers with my dad, hearing him answer the questions my sister and brothers asked him, and my stepmum telling me she'd been quizzing him and he's just lovely!  I like seeing him with my friends, watching him hold his own with Paula is amusing, she doesn't go easy on him!  I was in hysterics as Amy accidentally groped his bare leg in shorts, and was soon joined by Becky.  Stacey and Alan welcomed us round to their house and we shared laughs and prosecco!  Everyone really seems to like him, and they say they can see how happy I am, which gives me even bigger warm and fuzzies.

I am also very lucky that his family and friends have been so warm and welcoming to me.  We have shared some really lovely and hilarious moments this Christmas and New Year, and I think they're all just about over the shock of him wearing his very first Christmas jumper, and him losing at Monopoly!  For the first time in many years I spent a new years eve with other people and not alone whilst my ex worked, and it was just lovely.  We laughed, we joked, we bantered and then Zoe did a comedy fall and I thought I might ache the next day from laughing so hard.  At midnight AD kissed me and the world melted away. 

I realise that I am lucky in so many ways.  I am lucky that my parents raised me to be strong and independent so that I was able to deal with what happened last year with dignity and strength.  I am lucky that I know myself, I know who I am and I will never lose sight of that again.  I am lucky that I build good solid friendships, ones that support me no matter how crazy my decisions, how many times I go back and forth and change my mind, they are there for me in every way that I ask.  I am lucky that I love my job and the people I work with, and that when I wasn't able to give everything I normally give, people understood the change and supported me through.  I am lucky that I was encouraged to date to meet new people, and straight away I was lucky enough to meet AD and even luckier to have him fall in love with crazy old me.

Now it's back to reality.  AD and I have enjoyed our first festive season with plenty of time together surrounded by laughter and love.  The Santa hat and Christmas Jumpers are stowed away ready for next year, the work commute is back to a crawl and the emails well they just keep on coming, but honestly just honestly.... it really was the most wonderful time of the year! 

Until next time folks.... Lini xx

When I look back...

1st January 2017

"Take care of the people you love.  But, also take even better care of the people that love you." - Unknown

Last night I was made welcome in the lives of people who have known and loved each other for years.  Last night I laughed so hard I thought my sides would split, I felt happy and warm, and it wasn't just the rum.  Last night I went to sleep in the arms of someone who loves me and I woke up in those very arms feeling happy and like this year, 2017, will be something special.  When I look back at 2016 I will remember that it was the year I took back control of my life, and the year that I discovered the true strength of friendship and love.  I will also remember that it was the year I met the loveliest and kindest man I've ever known.  

Bob Marley said, "Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.  You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.  You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.  When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it knowing they will share in your excitement.  They are not embararassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.  Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you're not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.  Colours seem brighter and more brilliant.  Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.  Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is special to you.  You open your heart knowing there's a chance it may be broken one day, and in opening your heart you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible."

When I read that, I of course was drawn to how it makes me feel about AD, but as I re-read it I realise Bob might have it a bit wrong, because whilst I have a met a man who makes me feel all of those things, I also see my friends and family in all of those words and it makes me feel like I might just be the luckiest person alive. 

On new years day in 2016 I wrote a list of 12 challenges that I wanted to personally achieve throughout the year, and even though I didn't achieve everything I am proud that I made so many things come true with hard work, some sweat and a lot of determination.  I remember standing in the snow last January asking my ex if his reluctance to participate in life with me meant I would never get to see the world with the person I loved.  I remember my heart breaking when he said I wouldn't.  But I now realise that I did see the world with people I loved, I wasn't alone on my journey, I walked for more than 500km, sure some of it I was alone, but for lots of it I was with friends and family.  I climbed a mountain and ran a race with some of my best friends by my side urging and cheering me on.  My ex was wrong.  I just didn't know it at the time.  I realised this as I stood at the top of the Cow and Calf rocks looking out over Yorkshire and AD wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and told me he loved me.  

So a look back at my 2016 challenges:- 

1) Run a 5km race - I signed up to run the Race for Life Pretty Muddy 5km on the 3rd September.  It was hard, it was not pretty, but thanks to Stacey, I did it!  

2) Walk or run a total of 500km - I did this in bite size chunks, but once I found my legs, I'd completed this by June!  Thanks to Ross who helped me celebrate with champagne and party poppers!

3) Lose 20kg/3 Stone - I managed to lose 2 stone, however as we end the year I've put over half of what I lost back on, the search for skinny Lini is always ongoing!


4) Climb a mountain or a peak - Despite trying and failing to get to Snowdon all year long, Lyndsey and I scaled Pen-y-Ghent, well I huffed and puffed but I made it!!

5) Write a childrens book - Unfortunately I didn't get to doing this one, however, I have written this blog instead! I'd say that's an achievement in itself!

6) Save £500 or more - Saved and spent now!!!

7) Go 50 days without buying any clothes, shoes or handbags - I managed 86 days! I was rather proud of this one!

8) Explore the UK - I only managed England, but I saw some sights and lots of beaches!!

 9) Look up a new word every day for a month - From hebetude to salubrious I ended 2016 in an insouciant manner.

10) Carry out 5 or more random acts of kindness - I have managed more than 5 of these because there is gift in giving without expectations.

11) Start or gain a qualification - Unfortunately I didn't get round to this, but I am due to start one in April 2017!

12) Take the stairs - This one was a bit hit and miss... But I do think more conciously about taking the stairs instead of the lift! And I've done the 199 steps at Whitby twice this year! 



For 2017 I have another 12 challenges, but 6 of them are going to be joint challenges, joint experiences and I cannot wait!!!

So now I've had a look back, I'm even prouder of myself, because 2016 did not start easily, and it was a rollercoaster of emotions, but through it all, my wonderful family, my amazing friends and my gorgeous boyfriend have loved me, supported me and revealed strength I never knew I had.

I wish everyone who is still with me on this blog journey a very happy and healthy new year, I hope 2017 brings you everything you need, I hope your burdens are light and your successes are many.  You are all stronger than you know, trust me.

Much love
Lini xxxx

D. I. V. O. R. C. E...

Wednesday 7th December 2016

I spell out all the hurtin' words
And I turn my head when I speak
'Cause I can't spell away this hurt
That's drippin' down my cheek - Tammy Wynette 

 
 Did you know that according to statistics published in 2012, 42% of marriages end in divorce?  That's a pretty hefty number.  That means almost half of the couples who say their vows end up where I am now.  They may have all taken different roads to get here, but they have all had to go through the rather impersonal process of filling in forms to describe how their "forever" ended earlier than anticipated.  

When I said my wedding vows, it didn't occur to me that we wouldn't make it.  That one day I'd be humming D. I. V. O. R. C. E to myself.  It never occured to me that ten years down the line I'd be ticking a box to end it all.  One thing I will say that though is that my upcoming divorce is not a tragedy.  Staying in a unhappy situation that wasn't working and being cheated on for the rest of my life would have been the tragedy.

I no longer have to wonder if "this" is how I'm going to spend my life, married to someone who was constantly distracted by his phone, facebook, instagram, twitter, playstation, netflix, the list could go on...

I am glad in a way that I've waited until now to file, not because I thought there was any redemption or way back for us, but more that I am stronger than I was, able to write down details of his affair without it rocking me to my core.  I was allowed some distance from the whole mess and that distance has allowed me to view things with fresh eyes and a less angry perspective.

I will not pretend that one day I will forgive what he did.  I looked up the definition of forgiveness, it's an interesting read... 

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. 

I really dislike that in that scenario I am described as a "victim".  I don't feel like a victim.  I have been hurt and betrayed sure, but I am still here, I have not been defeated by what happened, I have taken over, I have taken charge and I am responsible for my happiness.  So instead of forgiving him, I have forgiven myself.  I have forgiven myself for believing everything he blamed me for was my problem.  I have forgiven myself for being the only one invested in making our marriage work.  Most of all I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I possibly could not have known. 

Filing for divorce has ended another chapter.  I really do look forward to the courts sending me the letter confirming that this particular book is at an end.  

I have had some wonderful feedback about what I write on this blog, how it's nice to know that someone else is going through the same or similar things and isn't afraid to speak out about it.  I have said many times, this is my journey, there are 3 sides to this story, his, mine and the truth.  I am flattered and pleased that so many of you have stayed with me since February, that you continue to read this blog and support me in many many ways.

I do find myself approaching this festive season with a new spring in my step.  
A new perspective, new friendships, my forever friends with me in spirit if not in person (yes thats you Paula, Becky, Amy, Nicola and Lyndsey since you complain you haven't been mentioned lately!) and a new shiny love with bells on!  My world feels like it is rich, full and in technicolour.  

Christmas 2016 will be vastly different to 2015 and I for one cannot wait! xxx

What do you do with the photos?...

Monday 28th November 2016

“It was the marriage that was important; Jane Austen rarely even bothered to write about the wedding.” ― Karen Joy Fowler, The Jane Austen Book Club

I am a sentimentalist, I keep trinkets and memories, letters and cards, things that mean something to me.  Tonight whilst looking for something I stumbled across my wedding album.  It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.  I didn't need to open it to know exactly the photos it contained, I had once spent hours pouring over hundreds of photos to select the perfect 32 moments that would forever be bound in that album to remember "forever".

You don't know when you're 24.  You don't know what it really means to connect your life to someone elses life and stay there.  You can't see all the ways you're going to become entangled, how you're going to bond to one another.  You don't imagine that your love might one day burn itself out.  I didn't know that one day that album might cause me pain.

It begs the question what to do with it now.  The original purpose of the album has vanished.  It represents the celebration of a time when promises were made and feelings were far different, a time when I loved and respected a man who no longer exists.  What would be the point of keeping it?  

I am told that as time passes my bitterness towards my ex will fade, but I cannot imagine that when that happens I would want to sit and leaf through 32 memories of a day when vows were made that my ex found so easy to break.  But I cannot erase my past, it made me who I am. 

Without looking through the album I know there is one photo that I want to keep.  One that was taken when I wasn't looking.  One where I was at The Mummas before the wedding, hair done, make up done, relaxed, happy and with people who loved me then, have loved me all these years and love me still.  
 

I have learnt a great many things this year about myself, about my friends, my family, about new people and about love.  My photo frames are now filled with new memories, my heart filled with a new love.   The old Lini isn't gone, she's just evolved, and the smiling happy person in the photo still lives inside me.  She's older, she's wiser, she's been bruised, but she's capable of looking back and not in anger.

Perhaps tonight is not the night to choose what to do with the rest of the album, bonfire night has passed after all!

**Note to myself for February 15th, it's ok if you still haven't decided! xxx

Laughter...

Friday 25th November 2016


Today is a just a short blog, a moment I wanted to remember.  I saw a quote online earlier this week, I shared it on Facebook.  "They told me that to make him fall in love, I had to make him laugh.  But everytime he laughs, I'm the one who falls in love."

When I met AD I told him that I love to laugh.  I'd had a pretty crappy few months, there were days I didn't think I'd ever smile again never mind laugh, but I did.  Time actually is a bit of a healer after all.  So all those months ago on our first date, I talked at 100 miles an hour about whatever came to my head at the time, and in turn I made him laugh, and everytime he did I found a smile spreading across my face.  The time passed quickly as it always does when we're together, too fast I say and despite me thinking I'd blown it, he actually asked me out again.

This morning I found myself making him laugh again, over and over.  It's a sound I adore. A sound all those months ago I knew there was something special about.  And everytime he laughs I light up.  It made me really think, if I could love the wrong person as much as I did, just imagine how much I can love the right person.

Love and hugs people, and a happy weekend xxx

About turn...

Tuesday 15th November 2016

I don't think I've ever grown up. I've got older, taller and wider but I'm not sure we ever really grow up.  How many of us look in the mirror and are shocked at the years that pass in our reflections because in our heads we are still the same youngsters at heart. And sometimes I make decisions with that impulsive youngster part of me.

When I wrote my last blog about leaving cadets, I told myself if it was easy to write then it must be the right decision.  It was an easy blog to write and therefore it fed into the parameters I had set myself about the decision I was making.  What I hadn't realised was that, by actually making that decision, and then attending at cadets to fulfill my final commitments, I began to really question why I was leaving, what was it that had changed within me so much.

When someone makes you feel worthless, it's hard to shake that off.  My ex blamed cadets like that was my affair, it took me away from our marriage, I missed important things because, "I can't, I have cadets".  A sentence I have been familar with since I was 13 years old.  He made me feel like I was to blame for him cheating, and in turn I needed to put that blame onto someone else, and since he had manifested cadets as a person, so did I.  I "fell out of love" with it, I avoided it, I found flaws I'd never noticed.

But even when I'd got behind my decision, the shock from my family and friends was evident.  Even AD who has only met me this year, and hasn't seen the preceeding years of cadet obsession was shocked that I was giving it up.  In reality, I felt like I had nothing left of me to give.  What I realised now is that's a good thing.  Noone wants me to give any part of the person who was resentful and sullen and angry at the organisation...

When I went back to 1372 to get the cadets ready for their practice DofE and my "final" weekend, my 9 cadets were full of spirit and enthusiasm.  Instead of sulking with a tea in the office like I had been previously, I was in with them, looking at routes, thinking about kit. The cadets all reacted well to me, they learnt from me, they laughed with me, and they knew that I was there for them.  I managed to convince them that carrying almost 20kg on their backs, wandering round the Chiltern Hills with a map and only their primitive navigation skills, sleeping out under canvas and eating pasta cooked on a little stove out of a mess tin was a good idea!  I met them at check points, I gave them hints and tips about the kit and food they'd chosen, and we celebrated their successes when they turned up in the right places and looked at where they could improve for next time when they turned left instead of right!

I sat around the campfire and with my Cadet BFFs we toasted my final night out under canvas with them, and I knew then that my resolve was fading.  I was with good friends, I had supported the cadets in their spirit of adventure, and I felt a sense of great sadness that I might never get to do that again.  I snuggled down in my sleeping bag and had a good think about things, before the inevitable interuption from my bladder and mile hike to the toilets! 

 
I knew when I woke up and I looked out at the Beacon that Lini wasn't done with the Air Cadets just yet, and I'm so grateful that even though Stacey never once said "you're making the wrong decision in leaving", she seemed over the moon that I had done an about turn and decided to stay.  I also feel a sense of renewal, revitalisation, like a new version of Lini was rising from the ashes of the old one, and maybe this one will learn about balancing cadet commitments with life and saying "I can't, I've got this other thing" every once in a while...

I am not too proud to say I made a mistake, my thinking was all wrong and my judgement was clouded by what happened to me.  So it may have been a storm in a teacup, blogging about leaving and now retracting it, but what I realised is that, just because you decide something, and you tell people about that decision, if you want to change your mind, you should and if you want to move your position you can.  You're not a tree...

I put my pieces back together differently...

Wednesday 19th October 2016

I was asked recently if the last blog I wrote was it, was that my story done?  No not at all, but I know I haven't blogged in a while.  It's weird.  This place wasn't supposed to just be a place to catalogue my journey to finding love again, it is really a place where I can vent about anything, explore how I feel about my new life versus my old life.  What's odd is that I've been so happy just living my life lately I haven't felt the desire to write it down, to obsess, to stress.

So does that mean today I am obsessing and stressing because I'm here writing a blog post? Let me assure you now that it does not.  However, there is a topic that requires some attention.  I found a quote online when browsing for inspiration, and it really struck a chord with me.  It has been at the forefront of my mind for some time now. 

"You don't know this new me; I put back my pieces differently"

Some time ago I wrote a blog called "Giving..." I don't recall the exact wording but I know I spoke of my love for the Air Cadet Organisation and the things it has given me, and the time I have given back. It was well received, people were inspired by it and it explained how a lot of us feel about being a member of cadets.

Imagine if you will, 13 year old Lini.  She's my height (short arse), chubby (or so I used to think), short bobbed brown hair (because my mum wouldn't let me take control of it).  She's a bit of a cocky nightmare teenager, she answers back, she's stroppy but she's not a bad kid at heart.  

Lini walked in the gates and doors of 185 (Batley) Squadron in October 1994 and her life changed.  Those of you who have been cadets will no doubt remember your first night on squadron.  How everything seemed so different to what you knew, how words like ensign and drill, abbreviations like NCO and ACP and titles like Warrant Officer and Civilian Instructor confused you, yet quickly they became part of your vocabulary.  

I remember my first smell of the Squadron stores, essentially a broom cupboard packed full of musty smelling uniform and adventure training kit, that smell never leaves your psyche, you know what I mean.  Cadets gave me so many firsts.  My first parade night in uniform, neatly pressed shirt and skirt, shiny shoes and pewter tights! My first time shooting a rifle, trying to balance, load and get 5 bullets in the space of a 2p piece and the first time I did it and gained my marksman!  My first time commanding a drill squad, realising my inner drill major as the voice that came out was assured and confident.  My first time in a plane, where after the "jump jump John" video I waddled with my parachute attached to sit in a Chipmunk for my first air experience flight.  The pilot saying "you have control" and me repeating "I have control" and taking control of the plane, granted it was brief as we started to wobble and he quickly said "I have Control" in an amused voice.  

Those years that I spent as a cadet, shaped me, my dedication, my passion, my drive.  When I was old enough I went back as staff, to make sure that the new generation could participate in the things I did, to pay back in some way everything it gave me for free.  I know I was passionate, creative, a ball of energy.  I bantered with the cadets, was approachable, firm but fair, and I built strong friendships with both cadets and staff.  I know my input was valued and valuable.  

I remember both of Adult Sergeant boards, I remember my passion drove me through.  I was enthusiastic, knowledgable, personable, I knew both times that I'd pass, and that confidence also drove me through.  But life over the years has kept me from fulfilling a uniformed role fully, and both times, the pressures of work and home life, led me resign my NCO role and return to being a CI.  It was always the better fit for me, I never quite learned how to hold my tongue!

I have seen so many cadets start as fresh faced teenagers, little "balls" of potential and I am so proud to count some of them now as friends.  I watch their lives with glee, from getting married, to starting families, to becoming pilots or joining the armed forces.  I am proud to have been a part of their journey.  I am proud to know so many fabulous young people who will be future leaders I am sure. 

But lately I have "lost my way."  I have lost my passion and lost my drive.  For 22 years on and off cadets has been my life, but now I want to try something new, see what else is out there.  I don't feel the same way about it anymore.  It's like I love it, but I'm not in love with it anymore.  It has been a struggle to take the decision to leave, it has taken some real soul searching, some sleepless nights, some difficult conversations, but I have made my choice. 

If you'd have told me on the 15th February that I'd be making this choice, I'd have thought you were crazy, but I am told the earth is round, and what might feel like the end, could just be a new beginning... The decision is made.  Ironically 22 years since I enrolled at 185 (Batley) Squadron, I'll be resigning as a Civilian Instructor on the 31st October 2016.

If you are reading this and our connection is through the Air Training Corps, Air Cadet Organisation, RAF Air Cadets or whatever we call ourselves nowadays, I hope that we will continue to share a friendship, I will always want to hear what's going on, and I'll be gutted if I don't get to be a plus one at any dinners! 

I'll try not to be sad because it's over, and I'll try not to be troubled over my future, but I am intending to live in the present and looking forward to trying something new.  All good things must come to an end they say, and I couldn't be luckier that my cadet career is ending with the fabulous people I know now.  

There have been tears, there has been heartache, but I leave this blog with this thought, how lucky am I to have had something in my life, that makes saying goodbye to it so hard. xx