"Our scars make us know that our past was for real" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
I wonder
about you my dear reader. Who you are.... why you're here.... Are
you someone I knew years ago or a new acquaintance? Do you remember me as
a fresh faced schoolgirl, a bolshie barmaid or a cheerful manager?
Are we family or friends? Did you love me once? Do you pity
me? Do you read this to feel better about what you have going on?
Do you read this because you care about how I am? Do my words stay with
you? Do you roll your eyes at me? Do you wish you could make it
easier on me? Have you been through this? Are you going through
this? Are you one of the 99% of people who are shocked that my ex could
do this to me? Are you my ex....?
Whoever
you are and whatever your reasons for being here, I envy you. For being on the
outside looking in. For not swinging like a pendulum between rage and
bliss on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and win,
and other days .... I revert to a teenager.... I revert back to being a
teenager who just had her heart broken, and it truly does feel like the end of
the world, because there is no comparison, no knowledge of how you get through
the other side when your experience in that moment is all you know...
I think
something happens to you as your childhood quietly fades away into the harsh
realities of adulthood. As you grow up, you grow more confident, or at
least you’re expected to... In reality, the scars of your teenage years last
longer than one would assume, and they nestle away quietly hiding beneath the
surface of your adult world until the moments you can no longer suppress the
pain.
I guess
that facing your “demons” is something we all have to do at some point. We must
confront the things that plague us...our insecurities, our shortcomings,
and the sneaking suspicion that maybe we are not as good of people as we play
ourselves to be. Taking stock of yourself can't be a bad thing, it has to be a
necessity. I think to be truly happy, we must be self-aware. We
have to know what makes us happy, what makes us tick, and what we want from
life all so that we can begin pursuing a meaningful existence...
Lots of
people have tried to give me advice in dealing with my pain and hurt, the main
themes are:-
"Try
to stay in the present"
I know
that reliving the past is addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do
things again, and "respond" differently, to fight back against what
happened, to speak your mind with eloquence instead of the jumbled up mash up
of words that spill out with tears and rage. It allows you to think what
you could have done to avoid it happening, what you should have done.... In
short it allows you to torture yourself... It really doesn't matter what
you should have done, you can't do it now... I can't do it now.
That's why I've turned off the "On This Day" notifications on
Facebook. It is too painful to see statuses with secret messages to his
other woman, and declarations of love for me when he was sleeping with
her. It's not just painful, it's agonising, and I won't find happiness
there, so for the moment, my memories are not my friend, it's got to be about
the day to day and the very near future.
"Forgive
yourself"
When I
tell the story I am careful to explain that there are 3 sides to the story, His,
Mine and the Truth, I explain how I knew we were on different paths
for a long time and I was always away a lot. This is me blaming myself,
if I'd had my eye on what was at home, would he have felt the need to go and
cheat. I can either punish myself forever and submit to the misery that
comes with that or simply put I can forgive myself....... I proved that it
wasn't me, I forgave him, I took him back, I went against every fibre of what
makes me the person I am, because I never wanted to wonder for the rest of my
life if I was to blame, and despite everything I did to compensate for what he
called out as my shortcomings, he still cheated, so it wasn't me. It
wasn't within my control. It was all him.
"Have
fun with other people"
People
sometimes isolate themselves when they're hurting, it feels safer than showing
others our vulnerability, and I appear to be incapable of that. For example
this blog, I show myself at my most vulnerable times... It's like leaving an
open diary for people to read, though not quite Bridget Jones.... However
I do know how to have fun with other people, to take a break from feeling angry
and scared and confused. I have some amazing people in my life who I laugh
with until my sides hurt, and in those moments, it's almost "G****
who..." and then he chooses that moment to miss call me, or send a late
night message to check if I'm alright in a misguided way which he believes
we'll one day be friends because he wishes me well.
He and I
will never be friends. I actually make a point of not cutting people out
of my life if they make mistakes because we are all human, friends have made
errors in judgement and with some I've had choice words, but when you are utterly
betrayed by someone who promised you the world, who promised they would love
you to moon and back forever, who broke your heart once and then came back and
stomped it into submission a second time, that person can never have a place in
your life again. I understand why his friends and family would still be
ok with him, because he didn't do it to them. He didn't make promises of
a future, of being "a team" and a happy family. I understand
why his mother would forgive him, because he's her son. Not being a
parent I don't know much of that bond, but I know enough to know that if it was
shoe on the other foot my own fabulous the Mumma would think I was an idiot but
she would never disown me. But it doesn't make what he did acceptable or
OK. I wonder how people can trust someone who deceived so many people so
easily, I wonder how she can trust him... but in wondering about that I
stop myself from staying in the present with the things I can control.
I can
control that I am fundamentally much happier now. I'm more active,
sociable and good things are happening. I can control that in just a few
sleeps I will be able to see my northern friends and family and spend quality
time with them, it has certainly felt like a long month, but I know I cannot
control time, never have been able to and never will! The clock only
ticks one way after all....
So my
dear reader, if you've been here since "Begin again" I thank you for
your support. I don't read these blogs back, my plan is to read them all
again on the 15th February 2017. I can already feel that I'm different,
and I know that I've been on some real highs and lows, and I'm angsty and needy
some days, but I hope you don't give up on me, I hope that you'll stay with me
and my journey, in some ways it's therapeutic to lay all your feelings bare, I
just hope I don't annoy anyone too much!
So I bid
you all cheerio for a few days, see you all on the other side of the long bank
holiday weekend! xxx
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