Dancing in the rain...

Someone said this weekend that writing this blog was brave.  To share my thoughts and feelings in such an exposed and vulnerable way.  I'm not sure if it's brave or stupid to let people dissect the inner workings of my random mind, but I have had such amazing feedback and some people have said how it has helped them make sense of a few things, so that's lovely to hear! The one thing I know is that it helps me. It gives me a centre, a place to focus myself.  So I do thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!

It would be easy to forget that it's just a mere 45 days since my marriage ended.  Just 6 weeks ago I was planning my future with a man I don't even recognise anymore.  I have to repeat that this blog is not here to punish him, because that would make it about him, and this is about me, and of course there is some censorship because I am not always wise in how I react to him, and I'd probably get my blog taken down if I said everything I wanted to vent some days.  He knows what he did, and he can choose to tell people half truths about how things ended, he's not the man I remember, so it makes it easier to let that stuff go.

And after saying it's not about him and going on about him I really should move onto the point of this blog!

I have had the most amazing 4 days that I have had in years!  There are just simply never enough hours in the day, or enough days in the weekend to see everyone I want to see when I go back to Yorkshire! But I have filled every day with new adventures and new memories!  I have the biggest grin on my face and people at work can attest to that!  My accent has also returned to the point where Kate has asked me twice to repeat myself!  

Ah Yorkshire.  I love you.  For those of you who see my Facebook posts, Paula has featured heavily this weekend, and since she was upset she didn't get a shout out in last weeks blog, hi Paula *waves* And then there was Becky saying she had a premonition one of us was going to be murdered on our night out, mind you some of the folk in the Cross Keys did look like they might make that come true! And bless Nicola, out at 8 and hammered by 10!! "This is Bob!"

Anyway Yorkshire! Seriously people... If you've never been to the gorgeous costal town of Whitby, GO! If you've never walked anywhere in the Yorkshire Dale's let alone near Linton Falls, GO! If you've never had curry in Bradford, GO! If you've never been drinking with my girlfriends, well that's sensible... your liver will probably thank you for abstaining!

I have no idea where I found the energy to go on a 12k walk in Grassington on Saturday, after staying out until the early hours drinking and only getting 3 hours sleep!  I can only guess that my fabulous Friday night had something to do with it, but it was gorgeous! The storm held off and I got to spend some real quality time with one of my besties Lyndsey *waves* putting the world to rights and showing I'm not always blonde, I do have my sensible navigational moments!

I am loving walking!  I always have before, but this year it really has become a passion!  I set myself a challenge to walk 500km in the year 2016, not all at once, I definitely don't have the stamina for that! Small walks can count, but they have to be tracked and ones that you go out for! Bouyed by my brilliant bank holiday when I got home yesterday with the sun shining I decided to go out again, and even tonight with the rain pouring I managed a nice 5k and I'm pleased to say that I've clocked up 114k already! So I might actually complete this challenge!

I have had so many hugs and love this weekend! From family, from old friends and from new friends and they have just lifted my spirits so much so that I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky...

There's a quote about not waiting for the storm to pass and about learning how to dance in the rain... I feel like that's what I'm doing... I'm taking time to process what's happened to me, I'm allowed to be angry and have my upset days... But I'll damn well dance on days I want to dance, and whether it be Storm Katie or Hurricane Lini I'll come out of the other side with a grin on my face and love in my heart, because heartbreak won't beat me, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  Right now? I feel strong. 

Roller Coaster...

"A girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then, it is something to think of" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I'm sorry my dear Jane, but this time you're wrong! I could have really done without being crossed in love.  Sometimes I wonder that I might be a bit too broken to even think about starting again.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster on the emotional front.  Monday rolled around with the realisation that it was a month since... I should have some name for the horrific events of valentines weekend, but I don't... I'm just going to say since my marriage ended, and I have to say it hit me harder than I thought it would.  Not because I have any wish to return to where we were, but just to experience the realisation that the clock only ticks one way.  I know that one month will become two, and then six and a year will have passed soon enough.  I'm not going to "celebrate"  or "commiserate" on every month "anniversary" but when you've spent ten years with someone, a month without them is a really long time.  So I allowed myself to be upset, but I did very little to really cope with it and so the upset continued into the week.  I'm a master at painting a happy face on sadness, and my job keeps me so busy some days it's 5pm before I've even realised what mood I'm in, so I guess outwardly noone knew the pain bubbling below the surface.  But Friday came around with its promise of a busy weekend and I found the clouds lifting.

I really should have spoken to someone, talked through how low I felt, but I didnt. Lesson learnt for the future.

On Saturday I think I caught up on all the laughter I'd missed midweek, in large part thanks to the great company and beautiful Oxfordshire countryside.  Ross and Joel whilst mocking me mercilessly lifted my spirits higher than the hill we had to climb to see the beacon!  Then it was home, a quick change and off to challenge my knowledge with a quiz night! And Alan, Jamie, Geoff and Susanna managed to keep me on the high as we bossed our way through a fun quiz night! How do I know that an octopus has 3 hearts? Or that J is the only letter not to appear in the periodic table? Yet I don't know things that make Ross tell me to "READ A BOOK!" And there must have been something in the air as when I bought my raffle tickets, I said to Jamie that I like the number 444 as it always reminds me of love and light, and sure enough ticket 444 won me a bottle of Bellini cocktail! I mean the last 4 letters spell Lini! It was like it was meant to be!

And today, my first outing with my new squadron and new cadets.  For those who don't know I decided that Windsor cadets held too many memories, driving down that road would forever remind me of happier times and whilst happy times are good memories, I fear to relive them week after week would begin to make me bitter.  So I have decided to wave the white flag at Herts and Bucks Wing, and Stacey has really welcomed me with open arms.  She's done an amazing job as the OC and she has a young squadron with a lot of potential.  It feels exciting to be back at cadets, sure there is a fabulous social life element to it that I desperately need right now, but to help guide and shape young people's futures is rewarding and fulfilling.  I had so much fun as cadet and I made life long friendships that continue to this day, even with my first love, who three timed me with a girl nicknamed mushroom head! But we're over that now....

Our day out today at the RAF Museum was funny, chatting as a staff team, taking selfies of course!  Realising maybe we made the quiz a little too hard... But I am happy to have had a weekend full of laughter.

So I know the gaps between my blogs are getting longer, it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say but more that I am sometimes struggling with the words to express how you move on, and I have probably lost some readers who think "Isn't she over this yet" but this is my space to vent, to laugh, to cry and to become Lini... I know it's ok not to be OK... So here's hoping that next week, with so much to look forward to, there is no Monday wobble!

So if you're still with me, thank you.. Thank you for wanting to know how I am, for your messages of support, your hugs, and your company.  Being on my own and being alone are two very different things and you make the journey easier.

Home is where the heart is

“Till this moment I never knew myself.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I have been thinking for days about this phrase, "Home is where the heart is."  It keeps coming up in conversations, on the TV, in books etc.

Sure enough for years I have always believed my heart lay in Yorkshire, after all only those of us who grew up in and around Birstall will understand the unique qualities of the village, there is a warmth about the place that cannot be explained.  My ever supportive family and friends live there and I love spending time there.  Sure there are some questionable elements, but on the whole, I've always imagined one day I'll settle back there.

However when I found out for the 2nd time about his infidelity, my gut instinct wasn't to go home, to "down tools" and run away.  Sure I wanted to see my friends and family and have someone put their arms around me and whisper that it was going to be ok, but I didn't feel the instant urge to hand my notice in and move back.  And I think the last few days I've begun to understand why.  I want to know who I am without my old life to dictate it.  It would be easy to slip back in, but I have made a life for myself here down south, and it deserves a fair shot.  

Home isn't always necessarily a place. For ten years my heart has been wherever he was. He was my home, my anchor, my warmth and comfort.  I only ever wanted to be where he was, and that is the army life way, you don't form attachments to houses or friends because as soon as you do, you'll get posted elsewhere.  Every second your other half is away from you on training exercises or actually at war your heart isn't whole because a part it is always with them.  You function, you get by, you live your daily life, but at night when you curl up alone you whisper into the dark "I love you" in the hope their heart will hear you.

I'm not scared or embarrased to say that my heart is now broken, there is noone to hear me whisper I love you into the dark, in fact there isn't a person to say it to, my anchor doesn't exist anymore.  So is my heart lost without a place to call home?

The last few days I have laughed so hard and so much more than I have in a long time, and in unexpected places with some unexpected people.  Sure drinking port from the decanter probably wasn't amongst my finest moments, but the banter and the genuine laughter as the last few days have passed have made me think about finding new places for my heart to live.  Whittling wood with cadets as they learnt life skills from someone with passion, dining in with cadet staff and laughing into the early hours, sunday lunch with Lou hiding broccoli under my mash potato, using up Fayes minutes as the years we haven't spoken for just melted away... all these things, they've made me smile all day long today.

So I've decided that since my heart is broken, I'll divvy up the pieces for safe keeping.  A piece with my mum and a piece with my dad for always loving and being proud of me whatever my choices.  Pieces for my girlfriends who love me no matter how crazy or needy I can be.  Pieces for my "army" friends who are spread far and wide now but who our shared experiences mean we'll always have something in common.  Pieces for my cadet family who share joy in #whatwedo and a piece for Yorkshire for being "Gods own county".

One day I know I'll find someone who will have the ability to unite all the pieces,  I have complete faith in that.  How can I have such faith? Because that person will be me.  Just as soon as I figure out who "me" is.  

The next step...

What are men to rocks and mountains -Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

So the Chilterns may not quite be the "wild untamed beauty of the peaks" but there was something special about getting out in the countryside on Saturday.  It really made me stop and think.  I know I haven't blogged for a few days, but tonight I felt the bubbles of a blog and here we are.

I grew up in Yorkshire in the 80's/90's with real fresh air, green hills and beautiful views.  It was a time that smart phones didn't exist and you couldn't use a band on your wrist to track how far you'd come! I spent most of my childhood "playing out", kicking a ball around the field with the boys, playing off ground tig and ending up falling out of a tree into a pile of nettles, or seeing who could climb the highest in big conker tree and shake them loose.  I had friends who lived just streets away that we spent hours walking around, chatting about nothing much, building dens or bimbling up to "oakie" or "gummy tunnel" just for a laugh!

I was never part of the gaming generation, I never understood the thrill of sitting down inside staring at a screen, I loved being outdoors! Sure as my teen years hit I spent lots of time under a duvet and not stirring before noon when I could, but when I joined cadets that all changed.  My name would be first on the list for a camping trip, and despite never being truly an athletic build I loved a good walk out in Settle or Malham, or wherever the staff decided to take us!  Cadets truly opened my eyes to the world that was out there!

I remember the first time I ever visited the Cow and Calf rocks at Ilkey with Jenny, Andy and Mid after a camping trip in his mini! The sun was beaming down and the place just took my breath away!  The rich history, the carvings, the heather, the rocks.... It remains to this day one of my favourite places on this earth! 

Being outdoors with good company does something for the soul, stomping away the miles, getting mud in and on your boots, seeing the world as the seasons change and develop it.  The old dying off and making way for the new.  Birds spreading their wings overhead, hares running around the field, deer in the far off distance.  And of course not forgetting the vast choice of country pubs to rest your weary feet in when your companion decides that a detour round a large field is an excellent idea.

I was always sad that it was a chore for my ex.  That he didn't look up at the world in the same way I did.  When it snowed in January I wanted to get out to a high point and see the snow on the hills, watch how it clung to the fields and changed the landscape from what you thought you knew.  I remember asking him why he didn't want to see it, to open his eyes to what is out there.  I asked if my future was to never see the beauty of the world with the man I loved.  It was then, like a cracking branch in a silent wood there was a moment I felt my heart break.  I chose to apologise for trying to make him look up, and he chose to sleep with someone else... But I shan't digress.

Walking really gives the mind chance to breathe not just the lungs.  You just have to put one foot in front of the other.  As my dad says, the only step that counts is the next step.  You don't get anywhere by standing still.  And your lungs may ache, and your feet may feel like they're in concrete but one step at a time.

I will see the world with people I love, I realise that now.  This year I will climb my mountain.  Physically and mentally, and when I look back I'll realise that my dad is right, the only step that counted really was the next step.

Strength...

Monday 22nd February 2016

But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them for ever.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I have been thinking a lot about strength lately.  I find irony that his search for physical strength ending up revealing his weakness.  Everyone changes over the years, but it's sad when the person you loved isn't there anymore, even when they've been sitting in the same room as you for months...

People have been kind in telling me how strong I appear to be.  I don't know where it comes from and I do confess that there are days when the person looking back in the mirror doesn't look strong at all.

I think back to all the things I have given up in support of his dreams.  I gave up my house, my job and my life in the north to "follow the drum" ro the south where I had nothing and knew nobody.  I watched from afar as my friends grew closer and I missed out on so much.  I missed my brothers grow from boys into the fine young men they have become.  I missed being able to be there for my family in tough times, and to celebrate with them in fun ones.  I missed my nephews formative years and just how much our T-Bird is like me as a child.  Poor Eve.

But I can't hate him for it!  To do that would do injustice to the two young people who fell so hard in love so fast.  To the happy memories and the times we laughed so hard our sides would hurt.  To the moments sitting waiting for the phone to ring from Afghanistan and feeling just a flood of love and emotion when I would hear his voice.  I will never be bitter because he changed my life and showed me what love really was.  I know that sounds crazy, because he broke my heart too.

I found new friends.  I found my own hobbies and fun.  I found a job I loved and I think I'm good at.  I have a cadet family who embrace me no matter how many different squadrons I join and leave!  Despite being often alone in our army years and later when shift work came into it, I made our home full of love and soul. I found a love of walking, of looking up and seeing the world as nature intended.

So maybe that's what strength is.  Making the best of the situation you are in no matter how hard it is at the time.  Being honest and giving your whole heart to someone even if you run the risk of them shattering it.  Knowing you're not alone even when you can only hear silence, or the guitar playing neighbours!

I'll never be able to physically lift 200 kilos, but I can lift my spirits even if they weigh a ton some days.

Things I have learnt this weekend...

Sunday 21st February 2016

“Angry people are not always wise.”- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Things I have learnt this weekend in no particular order...

A bit of pampering will do the soul some good! Eyebrows, hair and nails can make such a difference! 

You don't need to drastically go blonde to feel and look different, you can just be the best version of yourself that you can.

My mum is so supportive she's willing to have empty photo frames on her walls! Theres nothing like a mothers love x

My dad can cook a mean bacon butty! And my brothers are just totally the loveliest guys! Even if Jamie and I suffer from second child syndrome which means poor Pops gets picked on for his one finger texting "skills" ! 

My sister and I have never been close but she loves me.

My nephews are wise beyond their years despite Tommys bogey eating! 

Jennifer Kyle and I have done alright for ourselves "considering" Lol...  Perhaps a few more classes at school wouldn't have hurt us! 

Time and distance mean nothing when you're bonded by history and love.

Walking in the Yorkshire air with one of your best friends is the best medicine for a broken heart.

Packing light is sensible but not when you decide to go walking in the mud.

When you don't eat properly your boobs shrink so the dress you wanted to wear was too big! Always sensible to bring a back up! 

How to peel a butternut squash.

Lalas Indian restaurant is massive inside and the curry tastes different when you're stone cold sober! 

Drinking 6 bottles of Prosecco before you go out for cocktails might not be the smartest move! 

Paula Knowles will always keep you busy and checked in on.  She'll find ways to be cheerful and look after you even after a skinfull!

Nicola Goodlad will take forever to get ready and is always up for singing the "oooooh eeeee" bits on the karaoke!

Rebecca Hague will down shots of Jack Daniels dipping sauce like they were tequila before spray tanning her legs in a car park in high winds!

Lyndsey Hepworth can give hugs, but don't tell everyone! They'll all want one!

Amy Berry after enough Prosecco will let you paint her face like an extra from Towie! Nice glow today Mrs Berry!

Drunken social media is never a good idea and should be avoided from this moment on...

My friends are so supportive that we can fall out massively and fix it in ten minutes x

Channel 4 has an odd sense of humour.

Everyone is fighting their own personal battles over jobs, kids, relationships, illnesses etc. 

I have learnt that life's goes on. 

Nothing stops the time ticking away, and every moment counts.

I am strong and decisive and I won't be defined by what has happened to me!

This is just the end of a chapter of my life.  A chance for a blank canvas to draw what I want and it will be glorious technicolour once the grey skies fade.

This is just my face…

Thursday 18^th February 2016

6 hours sleep is not a massive amount, but last night I felt like I slept solidly for the first time all week.  My head touched the pillow and I wasn’t plagued by nightmares, in fact I don’t remember dreaming anything and when I woke up, slightly later than anticipated I almost bounced out of bed knowing I was going to head north.

The sun was shining, I put air in my tyres, fuel in my tank, threw a big smile at the cashier in Esso and I was on my way! I selected a random playlist from Spotify.  I know I have a smartphone, but today it’s like it read my mind for I kid you not, the following songs played in this order:-

Fight Song – Rachel Platten

“My powers turned on, Starting right now I’ll be strong”

Break Free – Ariana Grande

“This is the part where I say I don’t want ya I’m stronger than I’ve been before”

Wake Me Up - Avicii

“All this time I was finding myself And I didn’t know I was lost”

It was like a therapy session right there on the M1 in between all the 50mph zones with no workmen… but I shan’t digress!  As the miles between me and the motherland melted away I found there was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.  It took a while between my car karaoke to put a word to it, but I liken it to… relief.  Relief because this trip I wasn’t worrying about what he was up to.  Who he was messaging, where he was and what he was doing, or I should say who he was doing now that the truth is out there!

Now back in September, when I found out that he had been cheating on me I was a mess, I sobbed the entire journey, physically screaming out loud as my heart shattered into a million pieces and hitting the rumble strips because of tears in my eyes.  I remember it was a miserable rainy day and my mood was equally matched.  When I arrived back that time my mum took one look at me in my scruffy hoody, bloodshot eyes and I think her heart broke for me too.  So when I called her on Saturday after learning that leopards don’t change their spots (especially when they meet leopards with the morals of alley cats) I think she thought she was going to have to deal with a very messy Lini.

Today was not that day.

Today I am different, and people here up north seeing me face to face can tell.  There is a calm, sensible strength about me.  I can tell my story without tears pricking my eyes.  I can speak rationally about the man who betrayed me and where it all went wrong.  I can pin point moments where something should have been said.  But most of all, I can talk about my future, I can admit I don’t know what it will be, and I can admit to being a little bit excited about it.

There’s no putting a brave face on, this is just my face.