This is just my face…

Thursday 18^th February 2016

6 hours sleep is not a massive amount, but last night I felt like I slept solidly for the first time all week.  My head touched the pillow and I wasn’t plagued by nightmares, in fact I don’t remember dreaming anything and when I woke up, slightly later than anticipated I almost bounced out of bed knowing I was going to head north.

The sun was shining, I put air in my tyres, fuel in my tank, threw a big smile at the cashier in Esso and I was on my way! I selected a random playlist from Spotify.  I know I have a smartphone, but today it’s like it read my mind for I kid you not, the following songs played in this order:-

Fight Song – Rachel Platten

“My powers turned on, Starting right now I’ll be strong”

Break Free – Ariana Grande

“This is the part where I say I don’t want ya I’m stronger than I’ve been before”

Wake Me Up - Avicii

“All this time I was finding myself And I didn’t know I was lost”

It was like a therapy session right there on the M1 in between all the 50mph zones with no workmen… but I shan’t digress!  As the miles between me and the motherland melted away I found there was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.  It took a while between my car karaoke to put a word to it, but I liken it to… relief.  Relief because this trip I wasn’t worrying about what he was up to.  Who he was messaging, where he was and what he was doing, or I should say who he was doing now that the truth is out there!

Now back in September, when I found out that he had been cheating on me I was a mess, I sobbed the entire journey, physically screaming out loud as my heart shattered into a million pieces and hitting the rumble strips because of tears in my eyes.  I remember it was a miserable rainy day and my mood was equally matched.  When I arrived back that time my mum took one look at me in my scruffy hoody, bloodshot eyes and I think her heart broke for me too.  So when I called her on Saturday after learning that leopards don’t change their spots (especially when they meet leopards with the morals of alley cats) I think she thought she was going to have to deal with a very messy Lini.

Today was not that day.

Today I am different, and people here up north seeing me face to face can tell.  There is a calm, sensible strength about me.  I can tell my story without tears pricking my eyes.  I can speak rationally about the man who betrayed me and where it all went wrong.  I can pin point moments where something should have been said.  But most of all, I can talk about my future, I can admit I don’t know what it will be, and I can admit to being a little bit excited about it.

There’s no putting a brave face on, this is just my face.