Begin again....

15th February 2016 - Begin again...

So I wonder if I should start with a Geordie Shore or Big Brother style warning, that this blog may contain explicit language, scenes of emotional distress or it might just generally annoy you, but you're here reading it, so it's your choice.

In a time revolutionised by the internet, where romances and friendships live and die online, do you ever stop and remember your life before Facebook/Twitter/Instagram?  

I do.  It was rich and full, and I lived, oh I lived!  I believe I coined the selfie before it was even a word and I even have the old school equivalent of Facebook Albums in actual printed photos in sturdy books.

But today, so much of life is lived online and in fact I embrace every element of social media with I imagine the vigour that the developers anticipated.  How else will people know what I'm eating for lunch or that my lightbulb just blew out!  So what else would I decide to do when I wanted to express myself and keep a record of who I am now so that who I might become will know where she started...

New beginnings shouldn't be a time to be sad, but it is worth acknowledging why I'm here tonight feeling the need to start this blog, so I'll start with a quote from my favourite book.

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.”- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Ten years ago I met a boy.  A boy who captured my heart in a way I'm not sure I'll ever get to experience again.  Simply put he took my breath away.  It was a whirlwind.  He was charming and kind.  He had passion and fire.  He made me believe that the love i'd known up until that point was just puppy love and this was the epic love story every girl dreams of.  Standing up on our wedding day, staring into each others eyes and smiling as we said our vows was the happiest day of my life.  He was a boy with honour, integrity and decency.  

Six months ago I discovered that in his journey to being a man he lost those qualities, and two days ago I found that he'd added cowardice and deceit to his list of attributes.  Now perfection is not a quality I can claim, the ins and outs here are not vital, and there are always three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth.  Some things are personal and private, but the bones of the story need to exist for it to start gaining muscle and flesh.
 

Two days ago my marriage ended.  However with time to reflect, I acknowledge I haven't been happy, and even when I tried everything that I could to see if we could be the mythical phoenix that rose from the ashes, I made myself miserable.  I have lived in limbo for the last 6 months as one friend has said.

"Separation. I can only liken the feeling (and those with a bigger chest will agree) to taking off that bra that used to be your favourite, but now it digs in your back and under your arms. Sure you feel unsupported but oddly free. That bra didn't fit properly anymore but you didn't want to part with it because you really liked it. However you know you should get a proper bra, one that supports you in the way you need. One that makes you feel free even with it on. So I guess 13/02/2016 was the day I burnt my old bra..." - Lini Forrest, Facebook (74 Likes... not quite Jane Austen standard!)

Lots of people have reached out, more than I really ever imagined would.  Some from expected places, some with their own stories, their own survival techniques, and some from new places, unexpected places.

So this is the person I am right now;  An overweight 34 year old, ok to look at from a certain angle, overly verbose on occasion with severe trust issues.  Bruised but not beaten.  Emotional but not wrecked.  On my own but not alone.

Who will I be on the 15th February 2017? Who knows.  Stay tuned.