Strength...

Monday 22nd February 2016

But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them for ever.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I have been thinking a lot about strength lately.  I find irony that his search for physical strength ending up revealing his weakness.  Everyone changes over the years, but it's sad when the person you loved isn't there anymore, even when they've been sitting in the same room as you for months...

People have been kind in telling me how strong I appear to be.  I don't know where it comes from and I do confess that there are days when the person looking back in the mirror doesn't look strong at all.

I think back to all the things I have given up in support of his dreams.  I gave up my house, my job and my life in the north to "follow the drum" ro the south where I had nothing and knew nobody.  I watched from afar as my friends grew closer and I missed out on so much.  I missed my brothers grow from boys into the fine young men they have become.  I missed being able to be there for my family in tough times, and to celebrate with them in fun ones.  I missed my nephews formative years and just how much our T-Bird is like me as a child.  Poor Eve.

But I can't hate him for it!  To do that would do injustice to the two young people who fell so hard in love so fast.  To the happy memories and the times we laughed so hard our sides would hurt.  To the moments sitting waiting for the phone to ring from Afghanistan and feeling just a flood of love and emotion when I would hear his voice.  I will never be bitter because he changed my life and showed me what love really was.  I know that sounds crazy, because he broke my heart too.

I found new friends.  I found my own hobbies and fun.  I found a job I loved and I think I'm good at.  I have a cadet family who embrace me no matter how many different squadrons I join and leave!  Despite being often alone in our army years and later when shift work came into it, I made our home full of love and soul. I found a love of walking, of looking up and seeing the world as nature intended.

So maybe that's what strength is.  Making the best of the situation you are in no matter how hard it is at the time.  Being honest and giving your whole heart to someone even if you run the risk of them shattering it.  Knowing you're not alone even when you can only hear silence, or the guitar playing neighbours!

I'll never be able to physically lift 200 kilos, but I can lift my spirits even if they weigh a ton some days.