Strength...

Monday 22nd February 2016

But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them for ever.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I have been thinking a lot about strength lately.  I find irony that his search for physical strength ending up revealing his weakness.  Everyone changes over the years, but it's sad when the person you loved isn't there anymore, even when they've been sitting in the same room as you for months...

People have been kind in telling me how strong I appear to be.  I don't know where it comes from and I do confess that there are days when the person looking back in the mirror doesn't look strong at all.

I think back to all the things I have given up in support of his dreams.  I gave up my house, my job and my life in the north to "follow the drum" ro the south where I had nothing and knew nobody.  I watched from afar as my friends grew closer and I missed out on so much.  I missed my brothers grow from boys into the fine young men they have become.  I missed being able to be there for my family in tough times, and to celebrate with them in fun ones.  I missed my nephews formative years and just how much our T-Bird is like me as a child.  Poor Eve.

But I can't hate him for it!  To do that would do injustice to the two young people who fell so hard in love so fast.  To the happy memories and the times we laughed so hard our sides would hurt.  To the moments sitting waiting for the phone to ring from Afghanistan and feeling just a flood of love and emotion when I would hear his voice.  I will never be bitter because he changed my life and showed me what love really was.  I know that sounds crazy, because he broke my heart too.

I found new friends.  I found my own hobbies and fun.  I found a job I loved and I think I'm good at.  I have a cadet family who embrace me no matter how many different squadrons I join and leave!  Despite being often alone in our army years and later when shift work came into it, I made our home full of love and soul. I found a love of walking, of looking up and seeing the world as nature intended.

So maybe that's what strength is.  Making the best of the situation you are in no matter how hard it is at the time.  Being honest and giving your whole heart to someone even if you run the risk of them shattering it.  Knowing you're not alone even when you can only hear silence, or the guitar playing neighbours!

I'll never be able to physically lift 200 kilos, but I can lift my spirits even if they weigh a ton some days.

Things I have learnt this weekend...

Sunday 21st February 2016

“Angry people are not always wise.”- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Things I have learnt this weekend in no particular order...

A bit of pampering will do the soul some good! Eyebrows, hair and nails can make such a difference! 

You don't need to drastically go blonde to feel and look different, you can just be the best version of yourself that you can.

My mum is so supportive she's willing to have empty photo frames on her walls! Theres nothing like a mothers love x

My dad can cook a mean bacon butty! And my brothers are just totally the loveliest guys! Even if Jamie and I suffer from second child syndrome which means poor Pops gets picked on for his one finger texting "skills" ! 

My sister and I have never been close but she loves me.

My nephews are wise beyond their years despite Tommys bogey eating! 

Jennifer Kyle and I have done alright for ourselves "considering" Lol...  Perhaps a few more classes at school wouldn't have hurt us! 

Time and distance mean nothing when you're bonded by history and love.

Walking in the Yorkshire air with one of your best friends is the best medicine for a broken heart.

Packing light is sensible but not when you decide to go walking in the mud.

When you don't eat properly your boobs shrink so the dress you wanted to wear was too big! Always sensible to bring a back up! 

How to peel a butternut squash.

Lalas Indian restaurant is massive inside and the curry tastes different when you're stone cold sober! 

Drinking 6 bottles of Prosecco before you go out for cocktails might not be the smartest move! 

Paula Knowles will always keep you busy and checked in on.  She'll find ways to be cheerful and look after you even after a skinfull!

Nicola Goodlad will take forever to get ready and is always up for singing the "oooooh eeeee" bits on the karaoke!

Rebecca Hague will down shots of Jack Daniels dipping sauce like they were tequila before spray tanning her legs in a car park in high winds!

Lyndsey Hepworth can give hugs, but don't tell everyone! They'll all want one!

Amy Berry after enough Prosecco will let you paint her face like an extra from Towie! Nice glow today Mrs Berry!

Drunken social media is never a good idea and should be avoided from this moment on...

My friends are so supportive that we can fall out massively and fix it in ten minutes x

Channel 4 has an odd sense of humour.

Everyone is fighting their own personal battles over jobs, kids, relationships, illnesses etc. 

I have learnt that life's goes on. 

Nothing stops the time ticking away, and every moment counts.

I am strong and decisive and I won't be defined by what has happened to me!

This is just the end of a chapter of my life.  A chance for a blank canvas to draw what I want and it will be glorious technicolour once the grey skies fade.

This is just my face…

Thursday 18^th February 2016

6 hours sleep is not a massive amount, but last night I felt like I slept solidly for the first time all week.  My head touched the pillow and I wasn’t plagued by nightmares, in fact I don’t remember dreaming anything and when I woke up, slightly later than anticipated I almost bounced out of bed knowing I was going to head north.

The sun was shining, I put air in my tyres, fuel in my tank, threw a big smile at the cashier in Esso and I was on my way! I selected a random playlist from Spotify.  I know I have a smartphone, but today it’s like it read my mind for I kid you not, the following songs played in this order:-

Fight Song – Rachel Platten

“My powers turned on, Starting right now I’ll be strong”

Break Free – Ariana Grande

“This is the part where I say I don’t want ya I’m stronger than I’ve been before”

Wake Me Up - Avicii

“All this time I was finding myself And I didn’t know I was lost”

It was like a therapy session right there on the M1 in between all the 50mph zones with no workmen… but I shan’t digress!  As the miles between me and the motherland melted away I found there was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.  It took a while between my car karaoke to put a word to it, but I liken it to… relief.  Relief because this trip I wasn’t worrying about what he was up to.  Who he was messaging, where he was and what he was doing, or I should say who he was doing now that the truth is out there!

Now back in September, when I found out that he had been cheating on me I was a mess, I sobbed the entire journey, physically screaming out loud as my heart shattered into a million pieces and hitting the rumble strips because of tears in my eyes.  I remember it was a miserable rainy day and my mood was equally matched.  When I arrived back that time my mum took one look at me in my scruffy hoody, bloodshot eyes and I think her heart broke for me too.  So when I called her on Saturday after learning that leopards don’t change their spots (especially when they meet leopards with the morals of alley cats) I think she thought she was going to have to deal with a very messy Lini.

Today was not that day.

Today I am different, and people here up north seeing me face to face can tell.  There is a calm, sensible strength about me.  I can tell my story without tears pricking my eyes.  I can speak rationally about the man who betrayed me and where it all went wrong.  I can pin point moments where something should have been said.  But most of all, I can talk about my future, I can admit I don’t know what it will be, and I can admit to being a little bit excited about it.

There’s no putting a brave face on, this is just my face.

How many times do you flush the toilet?

Wednesday 17th February 2016

“Everything nourishes what is strong already”  - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Today was a day of practicality, not only did I have to work, but I had to start trying to detangle our finances and try and capture some benefits of living alone!  My call to Affinity Water warmed my heart and made me chuckle today.

The lady I spoke to was very lovely, I explained my partner had moved out and I wanted to see if I could lower my monthly direct debit.  As there is now no beard maintenance going on in this house, my water consumption should reduce drastically!  She removed his details from the account and explained she would have to run me through some questions to ascertain my anticipated water usage.  

"Question 1 - How many times a day do you flush the toilet?"

Well... Who knows the answer to that! And if you do know, HOW? and WHY? After laughing for longer than she probably expected, I had to confess I had no idea, it's an unconcious thing I do.  I began to think I should go more at work to economise at home. 

Sadly the other questions were less amusing, do I prefer baths or showers, how many loads of washing do I do a week, how many times do I use the Kitchen tap etc. I had to guess.  I mean I've lived alone before, but I was in my twenties and I drank mostly stubbies or spirits and I flushed my toilet more then mainly due to the room spinning hangovers!

She listened as I struggled to guesstimate and explained that she lived alone, and we had a nice chat, I actually felt myself actually bonding with a stranger over the phone!  I was a step away from saying we should get a coffee when she advised me I could drop my payments by a whopping £12 a month!  Result!  

The call ended with her wishing me well for the future. Isn't that lovely, a perfect stranger taking a moment out of her day to wish me well.  If only everyone was that nice, the world would definitely be a happier place.

So I find myself in a positive frame of mind this evening, I have 4 days off to spend with family and friends in the north, to reassure my Mum that I'm not just putting a brave face on things, and that this is my actual face!  

Of course I have had to pack, and I have to just say how much I LOVE doing that!

But the one thing I must buy this weekend is a chalkboard for the bathroom and start keeping count!

So Country Roads, Take Me Home!

I thank you...

Tuesday 16th February 2016

My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I wanted to state that not every post on this blog will look back, it will not take unnecessary pops at my ex husband, I will do justice to the happy times we spent together, but I will not shy away from being honest about my feelings, nor will I ever stop quoting Pride and Prejudice, because for 21 years since I first read the book in English Class it's words have been burnt into my soul.
 
Today is not a day to think about the past, today I was reminded about the geneoristy and kindness of the human spirit.  Today someone told me that I should be proud of who I am, proud that people care because I'm someone people want to care about.  It brought tears I've fought hard to keep back to my eyes, but they weren't about what has happened, they were about everyone who has said in one way or another "You got this." 

Today I feel stronger, I feel supported and most of all I feel loved.  Love comes in so many shapes and sizes.  A hand on your shoulder and a whispered "you're going to be ok".  A messenger chat with your best friends where words I won't even repeat even with my warning disclaimer make you howl with laughter.  Your boss giving you some time to go and get your head on straight even when the team is thin on the ground.  It's the people who've said "I've been there, and look at me now."  It's the people who've said "I've never been through it, but I know you're strong enough to deal with this".  The people who I may have only had fleeting accquantainces with, who say "If you ever need someone, I'll be there".  

You're all amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my very broken heart.

Begin again....

15th February 2016 - Begin again...

So I wonder if I should start with a Geordie Shore or Big Brother style warning, that this blog may contain explicit language, scenes of emotional distress or it might just generally annoy you, but you're here reading it, so it's your choice.

In a time revolutionised by the internet, where romances and friendships live and die online, do you ever stop and remember your life before Facebook/Twitter/Instagram?  

I do.  It was rich and full, and I lived, oh I lived!  I believe I coined the selfie before it was even a word and I even have the old school equivalent of Facebook Albums in actual printed photos in sturdy books.

But today, so much of life is lived online and in fact I embrace every element of social media with I imagine the vigour that the developers anticipated.  How else will people know what I'm eating for lunch or that my lightbulb just blew out!  So what else would I decide to do when I wanted to express myself and keep a record of who I am now so that who I might become will know where she started...

New beginnings shouldn't be a time to be sad, but it is worth acknowledging why I'm here tonight feeling the need to start this blog, so I'll start with a quote from my favourite book.

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.”- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Ten years ago I met a boy.  A boy who captured my heart in a way I'm not sure I'll ever get to experience again.  Simply put he took my breath away.  It was a whirlwind.  He was charming and kind.  He had passion and fire.  He made me believe that the love i'd known up until that point was just puppy love and this was the epic love story every girl dreams of.  Standing up on our wedding day, staring into each others eyes and smiling as we said our vows was the happiest day of my life.  He was a boy with honour, integrity and decency.  

Six months ago I discovered that in his journey to being a man he lost those qualities, and two days ago I found that he'd added cowardice and deceit to his list of attributes.  Now perfection is not a quality I can claim, the ins and outs here are not vital, and there are always three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth.  Some things are personal and private, but the bones of the story need to exist for it to start gaining muscle and flesh.
 

Two days ago my marriage ended.  However with time to reflect, I acknowledge I haven't been happy, and even when I tried everything that I could to see if we could be the mythical phoenix that rose from the ashes, I made myself miserable.  I have lived in limbo for the last 6 months as one friend has said.

"Separation. I can only liken the feeling (and those with a bigger chest will agree) to taking off that bra that used to be your favourite, but now it digs in your back and under your arms. Sure you feel unsupported but oddly free. That bra didn't fit properly anymore but you didn't want to part with it because you really liked it. However you know you should get a proper bra, one that supports you in the way you need. One that makes you feel free even with it on. So I guess 13/02/2016 was the day I burnt my old bra..." - Lini Forrest, Facebook (74 Likes... not quite Jane Austen standard!)

Lots of people have reached out, more than I really ever imagined would.  Some from expected places, some with their own stories, their own survival techniques, and some from new places, unexpected places.

So this is the person I am right now;  An overweight 34 year old, ok to look at from a certain angle, overly verbose on occasion with severe trust issues.  Bruised but not beaten.  Emotional but not wrecked.  On my own but not alone.

Who will I be on the 15th February 2017? Who knows.  Stay tuned.