Wednesday 19th October 2016
I was asked recently if the last blog I wrote was it, was that my story done? No not at all, but I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's weird. This place wasn't supposed to just be a place to catalogue my journey to finding love again, it is really a place where I can vent about anything, explore how I feel about my new life versus my old life. What's odd is that I've been so happy just living my life lately I haven't felt the desire to write it down, to obsess, to stress.
So does that mean today I am obsessing and stressing because I'm here writing a blog post? Let me assure you now that it does not. However, there is a topic that requires some attention. I found a quote online when browsing for inspiration, and it really struck a chord with me. It has been at the forefront of my mind for some time now.
I was asked recently if the last blog I wrote was it, was that my story done? No not at all, but I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's weird. This place wasn't supposed to just be a place to catalogue my journey to finding love again, it is really a place where I can vent about anything, explore how I feel about my new life versus my old life. What's odd is that I've been so happy just living my life lately I haven't felt the desire to write it down, to obsess, to stress.
So does that mean today I am obsessing and stressing because I'm here writing a blog post? Let me assure you now that it does not. However, there is a topic that requires some attention. I found a quote online when browsing for inspiration, and it really struck a chord with me. It has been at the forefront of my mind for some time now.
"You don't know this new me; I put back my pieces differently"
Some time ago I wrote a blog called "Giving..." I don't recall the exact wording but I know I spoke of my love for the Air Cadet Organisation and the things it has given me, and the time I have given back. It was well received, people were inspired by it and it explained how a lot of us feel about being a member of cadets.
Imagine if you will, 13 year old Lini. She's my height (short arse), chubby (or so I used to think), short bobbed brown hair (because my mum wouldn't let me take control of it). She's a bit of a cocky nightmare teenager, she answers back, she's stroppy but she's not a bad kid at heart.
Lini walked in the gates and doors of 185 (Batley) Squadron in October 1994 and her life changed. Those of you who have been cadets will no doubt remember your first night on squadron. How everything seemed so different to what you knew, how words like ensign and drill, abbreviations like NCO and ACP and titles like Warrant Officer and Civilian Instructor confused you, yet quickly they became part of your vocabulary.
I remember my first smell of the Squadron stores, essentially a broom cupboard packed full of musty smelling uniform and adventure training kit, that smell never leaves your psyche, you know what I mean. Cadets gave me so many firsts. My first parade night in uniform, neatly pressed shirt and skirt, shiny shoes and pewter tights! My first time shooting a rifle, trying to balance, load and get 5 bullets in the space of a 2p piece and the first time I did it and gained my marksman! My first time commanding a drill squad, realising my inner drill major as the voice that came out was assured and confident. My first time in a plane, where after the "jump jump John" video I waddled with my parachute attached to sit in a Chipmunk for my first air experience flight. The pilot saying "you have control" and me repeating "I have control" and taking control of the plane, granted it was brief as we started to wobble and he quickly said "I have Control" in an amused voice.
Those years that I spent as a cadet, shaped me, my dedication, my passion, my drive. When I was old enough I went back as staff, to make sure that the new generation could participate in the things I did, to pay back in some way everything it gave me for free. I know I was passionate, creative, a ball of energy. I bantered with the cadets, was approachable, firm but fair, and I built strong friendships with both cadets and staff. I know my input was valued and valuable.
I remember both of Adult Sergeant boards, I remember my passion drove me through. I was enthusiastic, knowledgable, personable, I knew both times that I'd pass, and that confidence also drove me through. But life over the years has kept me from fulfilling a uniformed role fully, and both times, the pressures of work and home life, led me resign my NCO role and return to being a CI. It was always the better fit for me, I never quite learned how to hold my tongue!
I have seen so many cadets start as fresh faced teenagers, little "balls" of potential and I am so proud to count some of them now as friends. I watch their lives with glee, from getting married, to starting families, to becoming pilots or joining the armed forces. I am proud to have been a part of their journey. I am proud to know so many fabulous young people who will be future leaders I am sure.
But lately I have "lost my way." I have lost my passion and lost my drive. For 22 years on and off cadets has been my life, but now I want to try something new, see what else is out there. I don't feel the same way about it anymore. It's like I love it, but I'm not in love with it anymore. It has been a struggle to take the decision to leave, it has taken some real soul searching, some sleepless nights, some difficult conversations, but I have made my choice.
If you'd have told me on the 15th February that I'd be making this choice, I'd have thought you were crazy, but I am told the earth is round, and what might feel like the end, could just be a new beginning... The decision is made. Ironically 22 years since I enrolled at 185 (Batley) Squadron, I'll be resigning as a Civilian Instructor on the 31st October 2016.
Those years that I spent as a cadet, shaped me, my dedication, my passion, my drive. When I was old enough I went back as staff, to make sure that the new generation could participate in the things I did, to pay back in some way everything it gave me for free. I know I was passionate, creative, a ball of energy. I bantered with the cadets, was approachable, firm but fair, and I built strong friendships with both cadets and staff. I know my input was valued and valuable.
I remember both of Adult Sergeant boards, I remember my passion drove me through. I was enthusiastic, knowledgable, personable, I knew both times that I'd pass, and that confidence also drove me through. But life over the years has kept me from fulfilling a uniformed role fully, and both times, the pressures of work and home life, led me resign my NCO role and return to being a CI. It was always the better fit for me, I never quite learned how to hold my tongue!
I have seen so many cadets start as fresh faced teenagers, little "balls" of potential and I am so proud to count some of them now as friends. I watch their lives with glee, from getting married, to starting families, to becoming pilots or joining the armed forces. I am proud to have been a part of their journey. I am proud to know so many fabulous young people who will be future leaders I am sure.
But lately I have "lost my way." I have lost my passion and lost my drive. For 22 years on and off cadets has been my life, but now I want to try something new, see what else is out there. I don't feel the same way about it anymore. It's like I love it, but I'm not in love with it anymore. It has been a struggle to take the decision to leave, it has taken some real soul searching, some sleepless nights, some difficult conversations, but I have made my choice.
If you'd have told me on the 15th February that I'd be making this choice, I'd have thought you were crazy, but I am told the earth is round, and what might feel like the end, could just be a new beginning... The decision is made. Ironically 22 years since I enrolled at 185 (Batley) Squadron, I'll be resigning as a Civilian Instructor on the 31st October 2016.
If you are reading this and our connection is through the Air Training Corps, Air Cadet Organisation, RAF Air Cadets or whatever we call ourselves nowadays, I hope that we will continue to share a friendship, I will always want to hear what's going on, and I'll be gutted if I don't get to be a plus one at any dinners!
I'll try not to be sad because it's over, and I'll try not to be troubled over my future, but I am intending to live in the present and looking forward to trying something new. All good things must come to an end they say, and I couldn't be luckier that my cadet career is ending with the fabulous people I know now.
There have been tears, there has been heartache, but I leave this blog with this thought, how lucky am I to have had something in my life, that makes saying goodbye to it so hard. xx
I'll try not to be sad because it's over, and I'll try not to be troubled over my future, but I am intending to live in the present and looking forward to trying something new. All good things must come to an end they say, and I couldn't be luckier that my cadet career is ending with the fabulous people I know now.
There have been tears, there has been heartache, but I leave this blog with this thought, how lucky am I to have had something in my life, that makes saying goodbye to it so hard. xx
