The sisters I chose for myself...

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer

 

Yesterday my ex upset me once again, those of you who can see his Facebook will know what I'm talking about and those of you who can't, well, it'll come as no surprise that on the day I chose to share that I've met someone pretty amazing, he took that as the green light to shout how much he loves the tramp he cheated on me with.  C'est la vie, what's done is done, it doesn't change anything and just proves how little is left of the man I loved.  Tonight I felt like it was time to sort through some old photos and purge the ones of the two of us, what happened though was something entirely unexpected and simply magical.

I opened the box on the shelf that houses my old photo albums, yes actual insert photo albums, and as I sifted through some packets and ripped up some photos, it wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be, but there was a tinge of sadness... 

I began to look through albums entitled "Adventures 2003/2004/2005" before I met my ex, and I found myself smiling, then beaming and then physically laughing out loud, so I reached for my phone to share with the 5 people who know me inside and out some amazing memories!

I have alluded to "my girls" before in this blog, but tonight I truly realised just how lucky I am.  Paula, Lyndsey, Becky, Nicola and Amy are the sisters I chose for myself, sometimes whether they like it or not.  Our friendship has withstood the test of time, distance, heartaches and so much more. I cannot imagine where I would be if it were not for these girls who have given me a heart full of joy.  

They are the people with whom I have the absolute freedom to be myself, and yes they don't always agree with my decisions, they don't always think I'm wise and they definitely know I have a self destruct button that they try and steer me well away from, but of any friends I've ever known, I truly believe they love me unconditionally and will be with me forever.  They are beautiful people, inside and out, and whilst we all have our flaws, we accept them, embrace them and love each other all the more for them.

As I turned page after page of memories, drunken selfies from before selfies were a thing, photos from road trips, holidays abroad, rare photos of their partners when it was a crime to bring a boy on a girls night out (unless it was Pete!)  I found my heart physically beating with love.  I have had the misfortune to lose the ability to remember a large chunk of the last ten years of my life with real affection, I am unable to share those memories with the person who was by my side in my tenure in the south, but I realised these girls have always been by my side, they've always been in my heart.

We are all so different, we all have our own style, our own types, in fact when we put together our partners at Nicolas wedding, they were all so randomly different we wondered what they found to talk about!  Yet despite our differences we work as a group.  I live 200 miles away from them and yet I realise I feel more connected to them than I ever did to my ex who lived in the same house as me.

I am lucky, so lucky that I can call these girls my friends.  They might be quick to click the "Add Friend" button to wind me up, but they are even quicker to throw a box of tissues at my head when I'm crying, they checked on me every day in the aftermath of the "Valentines massacre" and they have each in their own way given me strength and encouragement to see myself as someone who matters again. 


They have held me whilst I have cried.  They have talked to me for hours on the same subject, never once telling me to shut up and get over it.  They have expressed with the appreciated vitriol their feelings about what my ex did.  They even "sucked it up" and prepared to forgive him for me when I chose to take him back at first.  And they never once said "I told you so" when it all inevitably fell apart.

I could extoll each of their individual virtues, but they'd all tell me off for using big words!  I could list the things they've done for me, but there isn't enough space on this blog.  I wanted to share with the people who read this blog just how special friendship is, how it can save you.  You don't always see the big moments coming, you really don't know how much your life can change in the blink of an eye.  I didn't.  But the one thing I did know was that the moment I needed these girls, they were there for me, no questions asked, no excuses made.

I love them.  It's a simple as that.  I love them.  They are the 5 greatest loves of my life.
 
**This blog is not to discredit any of my other friends with whom I share fabulous memories and beautiful friendships, so please do not be disheartened that you are not mentioned this evening.**

It's always darkest before the dawn...

Tuesday 16th August 2016

The 13/14th passed without conscious thought again this month, perhaps because my heart is somewhat distracted...

 

"It's always darkest before the dawn." - Florence and The Machine

 
How many times have you heard that expression?  How many times has someone put an arm around you and whispered those words?  How many times have the words been accompanied with a conciliatory smile? Have you ever sat up and investigated if it's true, whether that be intentionally or unintentionally?  Maybe it's not actually that dark, maybe it's just something people say to soothe you when things seem bleak...

"Stars can't shine without darkness." - Too many folk to give credit to...

How about that one? A platitude designed to let you know that the darkness will reveal hidden strengths in your character that you never knew you had.  But stars do shine in the darkness.  I remember when I moved to London I really missed the stars.  The light pollution in Knightsbridge meant that you could never truly see the sky, and the stars were what kept me connected to home, kept me feeling like I was under the same sky as my family and friends.  But what about when you don't want to shine in the dark?  What if you want to exist in the sunshine? 

"Everybody wants to be a diamond, but nobody wants to get cut" - Lots of dispute on the internet over who this quote belongs to...

I wondered if for the last 6 months I have been living in that hour before dawn, comfortable to shine in the darkness.  Unable to move to a position where I could feel the sun on my face.  Maybe now I'm ready to be a diamond. After all I've been cut repeatedly and diamonds really do shine bright under the right kind of light.

This weekend the dawn burst forth in glorious technicolour.  The light was blinding, in fact for a moment on Sunday it knocked me clean off my feet.  I wasn't prepared for it.  I know what the sun looks like, and I know what blue skies are.  I know deep down I have been apprehensive about the sunrise, about watching a new day really get started... 

On Sunday I really felt the sun on my face.  I basked in it.  I was wrapped up in the warmth of the day.  On Sunday I knew that I mattered.

Pretty soon I'm going to have to take a leap of faith and this terrifies me.  I have survived the darkness, I am enjoying a new dawn.  But could I survive another darkness, would it dull my shine completely?  It's a chicken and egg scenario.  Do you give out trust and wait for it to be broken, or do you withhold trust and wait for it to be earned?

I am slightly gutted that this is the 2nd time I've written this post, because some of the original sentiment and outpouring has been lost.  I am aware I am talking in riddles and metaphors, and I'd like to apologise.  I'd like to, but I won't.  You all know what I'm talking about... :)

Bitter or better? ...

Tuesday 9th August 2016

In a break from tradition, I saw a quote on a friends Facebook and it is those words that have inspired today's blog rather than my ever faithful Jane Austen.

"You either get bitter or you get better.  It's that simple.  You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.  The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you." - Josh Shipp - Motivational Speaker Dude

The above quote really struck me.  It was the highlighted words, "bitter", "better", "choice" "belongs to you".  The last time that my ex upset me, I realised I was holding onto ideas about him being a better person than he is.  Once I let go of that it was almost like I let go of a lead weight.  

The last two weeks have kept me so busy, I haven't felt the urge to blog.  Previously my feelings have bubbled up inside me like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.  I could almost feel the steam squeezing out of the smallest gaps, but for the last few weeks, I haven't felt that way.
 
I realise after seeing that quote that I made a choice to let go of the "bitter".  It's been very easy to feel hard done to.  With everything that I gave up for him, with everything I supported him through, the false promises for the future, the loss of him hardened me.  It made my daily persona like a suit of armour that I would put on every morning, weighing me down, and despite the feelings of relief over certain things and the happiness created with other people, I was still sunk down with convincing everyone and myself that I was moving forward and that I was going to be ok.

When I found out about my ex cheating I felt like I was a problem.  I felt unattractive.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  People said I was actually too good for my ex and that he deserves the trash he's now picked up.
 
I honestly feel like now I made a choice to be better after that last fight.  I actively decided he could take what he wanted then, because actually it would be one of the last things he could take, and it didn't even really matter that much to me.

I said in February that I wouldn't make any big decisions about my life, my future and "what next" for a good six months.  I needed time to heal.  I wouldn't say that I'm healed yet, but Stacey did remind me that September is just around the corner and this was the "deadline" I'd given myself for some of the more immediate life decisions I need to make.  Home, Job, etc.  Because of the choice I made to let go of my anger, I have found myself excited at some of the options I have available to me.  I don't know which path I'm going to choose just yet, but I know that I am ready to start to think about those big decisions that in February made me feel physically sick to contemplate.

In other news I have been holding myself back from becoming attached to someone new, fears, doubts, worries and a distinct ability to overthink every situation are my forte, but I have met someone who doesn't see me as the nightmare headcase I suspect myself to be.  I said very clearly that I had to have things in common with any new person who wanted to be with me in the future, we had to share an interest, and preferably mine in walking!  But life doesn't deal the hands you want, I should definitely know that by now.  
 
We have little or no common interests, we live very different lives, but there is a spark there that makes me feel like maybe just maybe.... I have held back from social media, I have held back from speaking about him in this blog and even now I am not going to go into details.  This is not about him.  This is about me.  So what I can say is this....

I really like him.

Until next time people :) x