D. I. V. O. R. C. E...

Wednesday 7th December 2016

I spell out all the hurtin' words
And I turn my head when I speak
'Cause I can't spell away this hurt
That's drippin' down my cheek - Tammy Wynette 

 
 Did you know that according to statistics published in 2012, 42% of marriages end in divorce?  That's a pretty hefty number.  That means almost half of the couples who say their vows end up where I am now.  They may have all taken different roads to get here, but they have all had to go through the rather impersonal process of filling in forms to describe how their "forever" ended earlier than anticipated.  

When I said my wedding vows, it didn't occur to me that we wouldn't make it.  That one day I'd be humming D. I. V. O. R. C. E to myself.  It never occured to me that ten years down the line I'd be ticking a box to end it all.  One thing I will say that though is that my upcoming divorce is not a tragedy.  Staying in a unhappy situation that wasn't working and being cheated on for the rest of my life would have been the tragedy.

I no longer have to wonder if "this" is how I'm going to spend my life, married to someone who was constantly distracted by his phone, facebook, instagram, twitter, playstation, netflix, the list could go on...

I am glad in a way that I've waited until now to file, not because I thought there was any redemption or way back for us, but more that I am stronger than I was, able to write down details of his affair without it rocking me to my core.  I was allowed some distance from the whole mess and that distance has allowed me to view things with fresh eyes and a less angry perspective.

I will not pretend that one day I will forgive what he did.  I looked up the definition of forgiveness, it's an interesting read... 

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. 

I really dislike that in that scenario I am described as a "victim".  I don't feel like a victim.  I have been hurt and betrayed sure, but I am still here, I have not been defeated by what happened, I have taken over, I have taken charge and I am responsible for my happiness.  So instead of forgiving him, I have forgiven myself.  I have forgiven myself for believing everything he blamed me for was my problem.  I have forgiven myself for being the only one invested in making our marriage work.  Most of all I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I possibly could not have known. 

Filing for divorce has ended another chapter.  I really do look forward to the courts sending me the letter confirming that this particular book is at an end.  

I have had some wonderful feedback about what I write on this blog, how it's nice to know that someone else is going through the same or similar things and isn't afraid to speak out about it.  I have said many times, this is my journey, there are 3 sides to this story, his, mine and the truth.  I am flattered and pleased that so many of you have stayed with me since February, that you continue to read this blog and support me in many many ways.

I do find myself approaching this festive season with a new spring in my step.  
A new perspective, new friendships, my forever friends with me in spirit if not in person (yes thats you Paula, Becky, Amy, Nicola and Lyndsey since you complain you haven't been mentioned lately!) and a new shiny love with bells on!  My world feels like it is rich, full and in technicolour.  

Christmas 2016 will be vastly different to 2015 and I for one cannot wait! xxx

What do you do with the photos?...

Monday 28th November 2016

“It was the marriage that was important; Jane Austen rarely even bothered to write about the wedding.” ― Karen Joy Fowler, The Jane Austen Book Club

I am a sentimentalist, I keep trinkets and memories, letters and cards, things that mean something to me.  Tonight whilst looking for something I stumbled across my wedding album.  It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.  I didn't need to open it to know exactly the photos it contained, I had once spent hours pouring over hundreds of photos to select the perfect 32 moments that would forever be bound in that album to remember "forever".

You don't know when you're 24.  You don't know what it really means to connect your life to someone elses life and stay there.  You can't see all the ways you're going to become entangled, how you're going to bond to one another.  You don't imagine that your love might one day burn itself out.  I didn't know that one day that album might cause me pain.

It begs the question what to do with it now.  The original purpose of the album has vanished.  It represents the celebration of a time when promises were made and feelings were far different, a time when I loved and respected a man who no longer exists.  What would be the point of keeping it?  

I am told that as time passes my bitterness towards my ex will fade, but I cannot imagine that when that happens I would want to sit and leaf through 32 memories of a day when vows were made that my ex found so easy to break.  But I cannot erase my past, it made me who I am. 

Without looking through the album I know there is one photo that I want to keep.  One that was taken when I wasn't looking.  One where I was at The Mummas before the wedding, hair done, make up done, relaxed, happy and with people who loved me then, have loved me all these years and love me still.  
 

I have learnt a great many things this year about myself, about my friends, my family, about new people and about love.  My photo frames are now filled with new memories, my heart filled with a new love.   The old Lini isn't gone, she's just evolved, and the smiling happy person in the photo still lives inside me.  She's older, she's wiser, she's been bruised, but she's capable of looking back and not in anger.

Perhaps tonight is not the night to choose what to do with the rest of the album, bonfire night has passed after all!

**Note to myself for February 15th, it's ok if you still haven't decided! xxx

Laughter...

Friday 25th November 2016


Today is a just a short blog, a moment I wanted to remember.  I saw a quote online earlier this week, I shared it on Facebook.  "They told me that to make him fall in love, I had to make him laugh.  But everytime he laughs, I'm the one who falls in love."

When I met AD I told him that I love to laugh.  I'd had a pretty crappy few months, there were days I didn't think I'd ever smile again never mind laugh, but I did.  Time actually is a bit of a healer after all.  So all those months ago on our first date, I talked at 100 miles an hour about whatever came to my head at the time, and in turn I made him laugh, and everytime he did I found a smile spreading across my face.  The time passed quickly as it always does when we're together, too fast I say and despite me thinking I'd blown it, he actually asked me out again.

This morning I found myself making him laugh again, over and over.  It's a sound I adore. A sound all those months ago I knew there was something special about.  And everytime he laughs I light up.  It made me really think, if I could love the wrong person as much as I did, just imagine how much I can love the right person.

Love and hugs people, and a happy weekend xxx

About turn...

Tuesday 15th November 2016

I don't think I've ever grown up. I've got older, taller and wider but I'm not sure we ever really grow up.  How many of us look in the mirror and are shocked at the years that pass in our reflections because in our heads we are still the same youngsters at heart. And sometimes I make decisions with that impulsive youngster part of me.

When I wrote my last blog about leaving cadets, I told myself if it was easy to write then it must be the right decision.  It was an easy blog to write and therefore it fed into the parameters I had set myself about the decision I was making.  What I hadn't realised was that, by actually making that decision, and then attending at cadets to fulfill my final commitments, I began to really question why I was leaving, what was it that had changed within me so much.

When someone makes you feel worthless, it's hard to shake that off.  My ex blamed cadets like that was my affair, it took me away from our marriage, I missed important things because, "I can't, I have cadets".  A sentence I have been familar with since I was 13 years old.  He made me feel like I was to blame for him cheating, and in turn I needed to put that blame onto someone else, and since he had manifested cadets as a person, so did I.  I "fell out of love" with it, I avoided it, I found flaws I'd never noticed.

But even when I'd got behind my decision, the shock from my family and friends was evident.  Even AD who has only met me this year, and hasn't seen the preceeding years of cadet obsession was shocked that I was giving it up.  In reality, I felt like I had nothing left of me to give.  What I realised now is that's a good thing.  Noone wants me to give any part of the person who was resentful and sullen and angry at the organisation...

When I went back to 1372 to get the cadets ready for their practice DofE and my "final" weekend, my 9 cadets were full of spirit and enthusiasm.  Instead of sulking with a tea in the office like I had been previously, I was in with them, looking at routes, thinking about kit. The cadets all reacted well to me, they learnt from me, they laughed with me, and they knew that I was there for them.  I managed to convince them that carrying almost 20kg on their backs, wandering round the Chiltern Hills with a map and only their primitive navigation skills, sleeping out under canvas and eating pasta cooked on a little stove out of a mess tin was a good idea!  I met them at check points, I gave them hints and tips about the kit and food they'd chosen, and we celebrated their successes when they turned up in the right places and looked at where they could improve for next time when they turned left instead of right!

I sat around the campfire and with my Cadet BFFs we toasted my final night out under canvas with them, and I knew then that my resolve was fading.  I was with good friends, I had supported the cadets in their spirit of adventure, and I felt a sense of great sadness that I might never get to do that again.  I snuggled down in my sleeping bag and had a good think about things, before the inevitable interuption from my bladder and mile hike to the toilets! 

 
I knew when I woke up and I looked out at the Beacon that Lini wasn't done with the Air Cadets just yet, and I'm so grateful that even though Stacey never once said "you're making the wrong decision in leaving", she seemed over the moon that I had done an about turn and decided to stay.  I also feel a sense of renewal, revitalisation, like a new version of Lini was rising from the ashes of the old one, and maybe this one will learn about balancing cadet commitments with life and saying "I can't, I've got this other thing" every once in a while...

I am not too proud to say I made a mistake, my thinking was all wrong and my judgement was clouded by what happened to me.  So it may have been a storm in a teacup, blogging about leaving and now retracting it, but what I realised is that, just because you decide something, and you tell people about that decision, if you want to change your mind, you should and if you want to move your position you can.  You're not a tree...

I put my pieces back together differently...

Wednesday 19th October 2016

I was asked recently if the last blog I wrote was it, was that my story done?  No not at all, but I know I haven't blogged in a while.  It's weird.  This place wasn't supposed to just be a place to catalogue my journey to finding love again, it is really a place where I can vent about anything, explore how I feel about my new life versus my old life.  What's odd is that I've been so happy just living my life lately I haven't felt the desire to write it down, to obsess, to stress.

So does that mean today I am obsessing and stressing because I'm here writing a blog post? Let me assure you now that it does not.  However, there is a topic that requires some attention.  I found a quote online when browsing for inspiration, and it really struck a chord with me.  It has been at the forefront of my mind for some time now. 

"You don't know this new me; I put back my pieces differently"

Some time ago I wrote a blog called "Giving..." I don't recall the exact wording but I know I spoke of my love for the Air Cadet Organisation and the things it has given me, and the time I have given back. It was well received, people were inspired by it and it explained how a lot of us feel about being a member of cadets.

Imagine if you will, 13 year old Lini.  She's my height (short arse), chubby (or so I used to think), short bobbed brown hair (because my mum wouldn't let me take control of it).  She's a bit of a cocky nightmare teenager, she answers back, she's stroppy but she's not a bad kid at heart.  

Lini walked in the gates and doors of 185 (Batley) Squadron in October 1994 and her life changed.  Those of you who have been cadets will no doubt remember your first night on squadron.  How everything seemed so different to what you knew, how words like ensign and drill, abbreviations like NCO and ACP and titles like Warrant Officer and Civilian Instructor confused you, yet quickly they became part of your vocabulary.  

I remember my first smell of the Squadron stores, essentially a broom cupboard packed full of musty smelling uniform and adventure training kit, that smell never leaves your psyche, you know what I mean.  Cadets gave me so many firsts.  My first parade night in uniform, neatly pressed shirt and skirt, shiny shoes and pewter tights! My first time shooting a rifle, trying to balance, load and get 5 bullets in the space of a 2p piece and the first time I did it and gained my marksman!  My first time commanding a drill squad, realising my inner drill major as the voice that came out was assured and confident.  My first time in a plane, where after the "jump jump John" video I waddled with my parachute attached to sit in a Chipmunk for my first air experience flight.  The pilot saying "you have control" and me repeating "I have control" and taking control of the plane, granted it was brief as we started to wobble and he quickly said "I have Control" in an amused voice.  

Those years that I spent as a cadet, shaped me, my dedication, my passion, my drive.  When I was old enough I went back as staff, to make sure that the new generation could participate in the things I did, to pay back in some way everything it gave me for free.  I know I was passionate, creative, a ball of energy.  I bantered with the cadets, was approachable, firm but fair, and I built strong friendships with both cadets and staff.  I know my input was valued and valuable.  

I remember both of Adult Sergeant boards, I remember my passion drove me through.  I was enthusiastic, knowledgable, personable, I knew both times that I'd pass, and that confidence also drove me through.  But life over the years has kept me from fulfilling a uniformed role fully, and both times, the pressures of work and home life, led me resign my NCO role and return to being a CI.  It was always the better fit for me, I never quite learned how to hold my tongue!

I have seen so many cadets start as fresh faced teenagers, little "balls" of potential and I am so proud to count some of them now as friends.  I watch their lives with glee, from getting married, to starting families, to becoming pilots or joining the armed forces.  I am proud to have been a part of their journey.  I am proud to know so many fabulous young people who will be future leaders I am sure. 

But lately I have "lost my way."  I have lost my passion and lost my drive.  For 22 years on and off cadets has been my life, but now I want to try something new, see what else is out there.  I don't feel the same way about it anymore.  It's like I love it, but I'm not in love with it anymore.  It has been a struggle to take the decision to leave, it has taken some real soul searching, some sleepless nights, some difficult conversations, but I have made my choice. 

If you'd have told me on the 15th February that I'd be making this choice, I'd have thought you were crazy, but I am told the earth is round, and what might feel like the end, could just be a new beginning... The decision is made.  Ironically 22 years since I enrolled at 185 (Batley) Squadron, I'll be resigning as a Civilian Instructor on the 31st October 2016.

If you are reading this and our connection is through the Air Training Corps, Air Cadet Organisation, RAF Air Cadets or whatever we call ourselves nowadays, I hope that we will continue to share a friendship, I will always want to hear what's going on, and I'll be gutted if I don't get to be a plus one at any dinners! 

I'll try not to be sad because it's over, and I'll try not to be troubled over my future, but I am intending to live in the present and looking forward to trying something new.  All good things must come to an end they say, and I couldn't be luckier that my cadet career is ending with the fabulous people I know now.  

There have been tears, there has been heartache, but I leave this blog with this thought, how lucky am I to have had something in my life, that makes saying goodbye to it so hard. xx

A year ago today...

19th September 2016

I saw a quote that said "If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about a year ago today."

I have a love/hate relationship with my memory.  I like to think I have an excellent ability to recall detail, however with that power comes the great responsibility of dealing with the not so nice things that I'd much rather forget.

A year ago today a very different Lini woke up and went about her day.  By the end of that day five words changed her entire world... five words, "Are you having an affair?"... In fact was it those five or was it the one word that came back? "Yes"....

*PAUSE*

Above is how I started todays blog, full of emphasis on the events of 19th September 2015, however upon hindsight and with a bit of reflection, I don't want to dwell on everything I lost last year.

I've just got off the phone from the Mumma, the irony being that it was at exactly the time I called her tonight, that a year ago I was ringing her in pieces, sobbing and devastated.  Tonight she asked "How are you?" and I answered "Happy".  Because that's the truth.  She said she could tell.  Not only did she say it last time I was in Yorkshire, she said she can see in photos that I'm smiling with not only my mouth, but my eyes and in some ways my heart.

Instead of recanting how I was feeling a year on, I talked about my weekend, how I'd spent it very quietly compared with other weekends, but this time how it wasn't about what I'd done, but more who I'd done it with...

I want to address "the boy"... I use it affectionately, it's not meant to offend, but people have said that calling him that is patronising, or makes him sound like a teenager when I say it. But the truth and reality of the "nickname" is that I hadn't wanted to out him, or reveal too much of him until I was confident in what was happening, but I'm getting the sense that a more than a few people are irritated by my use of "the boy".  So based on your "feedback" - for feedback read telling me off (mostly Michelle and Lyndsey) - I'm going to call him AD from now on! (Happy now?)

In short, I accepted the offer of a date some months ago with him, and we have filled our time together over the last few months with fun and laughter, days out and adventures.  He's enjoyed my world even when the activity isn't something he wold have chosen in a million years, and I've enjoyed his world though I mostly know nothing about cars, and the thing that annoys him most about me is the big dent in the side of mine, but that's a different story! 

AD and I spent some time last night recalling our time together, our various dates, the things we remembered from them, funny little things that may have seemed like nothing to either of us at the time, but that when looked back at made us both feel certain ways.  For example at the car show where we ordered 2 99's and he said to the woman serving "Just put my flake in hers", and she said "It must be love"... I remember us both nervously laughing because we hadn't even had that discussion!  
 
I could go on for ages with all the cute memories and the things that make me smile, but I have to keep some things to myself!  What I liked was that instead of recalling all the bad stuff from a year ago, I was looking at everything I now have, and how I got there.

As I said in my previous blog, music also has the power to make me think, more so than when sometimes people offer advice or consolation.  Tonight Spotify suggested some music and I heard a song called "Better Place" by Rachel Platten.  I shared the link on my wall for those who've never heard of it.  I'll give you a quick lyric sample...

"But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along"

Mushy or what? ... *blush*

I started this blog on the 15th February from a very low place, I remember typing my first few blogs with tears in my eyes, and there have been some very sad times and things I have shared with you all, and you have all embraced.  

I think I built up the anxiety around today all by myself, and I did myself an injustice in doing so, because I'm not looking back, I'm happy with my eyes facing forward!  That is why I don't read these back, I am sticking to that.  I will read them all on the 15th February 2017.

I so just once again want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your support, and your kind words.  The knowledge that you're out there, reading, empathising, offering love and advice and genuinely caring about how I am, has got me through some truly dark times... 

But like Rachel said, right now "the colours are golden and bright again" and right now I get 2 flakes in my ice cream! :) 

Until next time folks xxx

Words create. Know what you want to create before you speak...

Monday 12th September 2016

I hear music every day.  I sing songs in the shower, I hum them in supermarket queues, and I drive my work colleagues mad when I get an "earworm" and sing the same line of a song over and over again.  I wear headphones when I'm out walking and I know the music helps me through.  I change radio and music channels to hopefully hear something I love that brings back memories of nights out, parties, or just a particular time in my life. 

For example "Two can play that game" by Bobby Brown always reminds me of ice skating in Bradford with Cadets in the nineties, and having a friend flirt with the boy I liked, so I requested the DJ play that song! Ah the subtley of the teenage mind.  I'm sure Jenny Kyle will remember that story! Might even have been her idea!

Or how about Starship "Nothings gonna stop us now" which always reminds me of the end of the karaoke in the Horse and Jockey on Saturday nights and my girls.  I believe we even had our girls first dance at Nicolas wedding, I particularly love the line "And if this world runs out of lovers, We'll still have each other" because I genuinely know that they're always there for me, but enough of that, the girls have had their shout out blog!

I do wonder what makes songs so popular, and I heard someone say, "If you want to know how a clock works, take it apart".  Now if I took a clock apart I wouldn't have a flipping clue what I was looking at, but lyrics, they're words, and words are something I know all about.  Words have power.  Words can start and end wars.  Words can break hearts and heal them.  With the right words you can make someone beam from ear to ear, or you can curse them to repeat those words over and over again. 

So the last few months I have found myself dissecting the words in song lyrics more than ever.  I don't know if anyone else ever does this, and I'm pretty sure you probably do.  After all there are songs for all occasions, you just have to look on Spotify and there are playlists put together called "Music for Concentration", "Break Up Songs" or my personal favourite "Move on & Don't Look Back".

Sometimes I'll hear a song and think "Wow, that is exactly how I feel!" and then I realise what I already know, and that I'm not alone in heartbreak or tough times.  I do know that.  I know there are millions of people out there who feel sad for millions of reasons, but this isn't their journey, this is mine.

So for example the new Olly Murs song, "You don't know love"

"You don't know love 'til it tears up your heart
And cuts and it leaves you with scars
You're still feeling
You don't know love"

Poor Olly, or poor songwriter who clearly has some issues with a past love.  It's very easy to see where that song would fit into my situation this year...

Then there's the new Clean Cut Kid song, "We used to be in love"

"My body's shaking as I see you walking by
Are we strangers now?
My heart is breaking as the tears fill my eyes
Cause it just reminds me of how We used to be in love, we used to be in love "

So I suspect we can all see a pattern emerging, upbeat music yet with very sad lyrics that make me think about all the horrific things that have happened over the last year.

However, this morning, fresh from a weekend where despite feeling like I had come down with bubonic plague, I had the loveliest time with "the boy" (we'll come back to the fact I call him that another time), I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to just extend the happy feeling I'd had all weekend into my Monday morning, but life doesn't work like that, so I set off into London, turned off Radio 1 because I can't stand Nick Grimshaw and I miss Chris Moyles (though I don't enjoy him on Radio X) and just put my CD on, Alexis Jordan "Happiness" came on.  

It just took two lines to make me realise that all the terrible things that have happened had led me to this Monday morning, sitting in my car in traffic, the boys kiss fresh on my lips and with these lyrics making my heart swell... So that's how I'll leave this blog today, with just two lines from that song.  Until next time folks.  Keep your ears and your hearts open...
 
"Through strength I found love, In time I found myself in happiness with you"

xxx

#thisgirl #thisgirlwill #thisgirldid ...

"Life is tough, my darling, but so are you - Stephanie Bennett-Henry"

 

Climb a peak Pen-y-ghent 27/08/2016 & Pretty Muddy 5km Phasels Wood 03/09/2016

 As I have alluded to in previous blogs on January the 1st I was unhappy, really truly utterly unhappy.  Whilst I'd "bounced back" from the ultimate betrayal of finding my husband had been having an affair and we were "committed" to giving our marriage the attention it had long been desiring, we were not in a good place, bitterness and anger had replaced every good feeling, suspicion and worry had become daily habits and I knew I needed to focus on being a better version of myself in 2016. I decided then to give myself a list of challenges to focus my energy, give my year some purpose so that if the worst should happen (which it inevitably did) I wouldn't feel like a failure at the end of the year. 

I gave myself mental challenges, physical challenges and ones that I hoped would better myself.  I dreamed of being the best version of Lini I could be.  I dreamed that one day I wouldn't wake up feeling anxious, that one day I would wake up feeling warm, happy and loved because I had made it so. 

Over the last week I have completed two more of my 12 challenges.  

On Saturday 27th August, at 7.30am in the morning (wink wink Becky) Lyndsey picked me up and after a last minute dash for water bottles as I'd left mine in Hemel we were soon on our way to the beautiful countryside which houses the 3 Yorkshire peaks! Our target the summit of Pen-y-Ghent.  I was worried, I can walk on flat and minor hills for miles, but a constant climb for hours had me questioning my sanity in thinking I was ready for it.  The sun was shining, Ginge had applied her suncream and packed her Day-Glo hat, rucksacks were packed and off we went.  Ginge decided we were going up the hard way as it was prettier and more of a challenge... And whilst some of you probably think Pen-y-Ghent is nothing compared to the likes of Ben Nevis or Scafell Pike, I would remind you that I'm neither light nor fit, so a long flight of stairs sometimes beats me!! 

We climbed for what felt like ever... Being passed by spritely children and people doing the 3 peaks in one day! It was slow, it was red face and sweat inducing, but it was glorious.  The views were stunning, the wind rushed in my ears drowning out my heavy breathing.  I wasn't particularly fast, but I wasn't as slow as I think we'd both imagined I would be!  There was of course the hundreds of stops for selfie taking, and inevitable irritation of me faffing with my hair! Then we got to the scrambling part.  Now I would describe my walking style on hills and rocks as somewhat like newly born Bambi on Ice.... I am not sure of foot, much to Ginges amusement.  I kept my head down and didn't look at how far I had to go, I just looked  at the next step and inch by inch, i made it... One small step for Ginge, one giant leap for Lini-kind!  I felt euphoric!  And then the weirdest thing happened,  Ginge hugged me!  Now those of you who know her know that to get a hug that she initiates is rarer than a selfie of me from the right hand side... But she's been by my side in my darkest hours for years, she knew what this meant to me.  And there we were, trig point in sight.  Much selfie taking ensued, a kind lady took some photos of the pair of us, a a spot of lunch and it was time to descend.  Only we could get caught in a sheep jam on the way back down (see the video evidence!) 

I was so happy with what I'd achieved there was time for a quick nap, a shower, change of clothes and some well earned cocktails!  Paula can always be relied on to help me celebrate my successes in her own way and I love her for it!  Especially when she hands me £20 sponsorship for the next challenge...  The Pretty muddy 5km... 

When the morning of my 5km came on 3rd September I was in bits, nervous and full of doubt.  I felt that I hadn't done enough training, I wasn't prepared, I felt like I was going to fall flat on my face and embarrass myself. I couldn't find my number that Race for Life had sent, was it an omen etc. Then "the boy" arrived and reminded me that a mere 7 days ago I had climbed a mountain, he soothed my anxiety and reminded me that I am determined and that one of the things he likes about me is that I do what I say I'll do, he reminded me that people had sponsored me because they believe in me...  After that kind of pep talk how could I do anything other than "man up" and get on my way! 

I found the tent for the admin vortexes like myself and got a replacement number, I wrote out my "I race for..." for my much loved and missed Gran Norma who was taken from us all too soon.  The boy held my shaky hand until it was time to go off with Stacey and join in the warm up which was hilarious, and I guess in January I would have been spent after just that!  Then we made our way to the start line and we were off! Stacey set the pace, I wanted to finish in under an hour, and that was going to be tough for me, I'd said she could go ahead, I'd do it at my own pace, she reminded me that I could do it every time that I said I couldn't.  I could hear the "come the fuck on Lini" in her voice on occasion, and I know her time would have been infinitely faster than mine if she hadn't had me to drag along but she stayed with me, she let me walk up the hills as long as I ran down them, she encouraged me over the obstacles, and even on one of them she came back to pull me over when I misjudged how little my legs were!  The last obstacle was in sight, we had a minute and half to get over it and to the finish line to do it in under 50 minutes.  My legs felt like lead weights, I had mud in my shoes, my entire body felt like I'd just been beaten up, but I ran, I climbed and I slid down the slide into the mud pool at the bottom (where I inadvertently kicked some poor woman) to find Stacey had waited to cross the finish line with me! We were just over 50 minutes, but we did it... I felt this tidal wave of emotion, a mixture of pride, achievement, disbelief, love and warmth to Stacey and a massive amount of mud in my pants!  Then there was the boy, a look of pride and warmth on his face.  He even kissed the muddy sweaty mess I was and said it didn't matter that I'd got mud on him... that's when you know you've found someone special. 

So just one week and two more physical challenges are now complete.. Two challenges I had been full of fear and doubts about, yet with the help and encouragement of people who I love, I did them... I am proud of myself, of the Lini I had forgotten about, the Lini who takes the hands of support offered to her and doesn't bottle everything up inside.  The Lini who's light is shining again... #thisgirlcan #thisgirlwill #thisgirldid