Tuesday 15th November 2016
I don't think I've ever grown up. I've got older, taller and wider but I'm not sure we ever really grow up. How many of us look in the mirror and are shocked at the years that pass in our reflections because in our heads we are still the same youngsters at heart. And sometimes I make decisions with that impulsive youngster part of me.
When I wrote my last blog about leaving cadets, I told myself if it was easy to write then it must be the right decision. It was an easy blog to write and therefore it fed into the parameters I had set myself about the decision I was making. What I hadn't realised was that, by actually making that decision, and then attending at cadets to fulfill my final commitments, I began to really question why I was leaving, what was it that had changed within me so much.
When someone makes you feel worthless, it's hard to shake that off. My ex blamed cadets like that was my affair, it took me away from our marriage, I missed important things because, "I can't, I have cadets". A sentence I have been familar with since I was 13 years old. He made me feel like I was to blame for him cheating, and in turn I needed to put that blame onto someone else, and since he had manifested cadets as a person, so did I. I "fell out of love" with it, I avoided it, I found flaws I'd never noticed.
But even when I'd got behind my decision, the shock from my family and friends was evident. Even AD who has only met me this year, and hasn't seen the preceeding years of cadet obsession was shocked that I was giving it up. In reality, I felt like I had nothing left of me to give. What I realised now is that's a good thing. Noone wants me to give any part of the person who was resentful and sullen and angry at the organisation...
But even when I'd got behind my decision, the shock from my family and friends was evident. Even AD who has only met me this year, and hasn't seen the preceeding years of cadet obsession was shocked that I was giving it up. In reality, I felt like I had nothing left of me to give. What I realised now is that's a good thing. Noone wants me to give any part of the person who was resentful and sullen and angry at the organisation...
When I went back to 1372 to get the cadets ready for their practice DofE and my "final" weekend, my 9 cadets were full of spirit and enthusiasm. Instead of sulking with a tea in the office like I had been previously, I was in with them, looking at routes, thinking about kit. The cadets all reacted well to me, they learnt from me, they laughed with me, and they knew that I was there for them. I managed to convince them that carrying almost 20kg on their backs, wandering round the Chiltern Hills with a map and only their primitive navigation skills, sleeping out under canvas and eating pasta cooked on a little stove out of a mess tin was a good idea! I met them at check points, I gave them hints and tips about the kit and food they'd chosen, and we celebrated their successes when they turned up in the right places and looked at where they could improve for next time when they turned left instead of right!
I sat around the campfire and with my Cadet BFFs we toasted my final night out under canvas with them, and I knew then that my resolve was fading. I was with good friends, I had supported the cadets in their spirit of adventure, and I felt a sense of great sadness that I might never get to do that again. I snuggled down in my sleeping bag and had a good think about things, before the inevitable interuption from my bladder and mile hike to the toilets!
I knew when I woke up and I looked out at the Beacon that Lini wasn't done with the Air Cadets just yet, and I'm so grateful that even though Stacey never once said "you're making the wrong decision in leaving", she seemed over the moon that I had done an about turn and decided to stay. I also feel a sense of renewal, revitalisation, like a new version of Lini was rising from the ashes of the old one, and maybe this one will learn about balancing cadet commitments with life and saying "I can't, I've got this other thing" every once in a while...
I am not too proud to say I made a mistake, my thinking was all wrong and my judgement was clouded by what happened to me. So it may have been a storm in a teacup, blogging about leaving and now retracting it, but what I realised is that, just because you decide something, and you tell people about that decision, if you want to change your mind, you should and if you want to move your position you can. You're not a tree...
I sat around the campfire and with my Cadet BFFs we toasted my final night out under canvas with them, and I knew then that my resolve was fading. I was with good friends, I had supported the cadets in their spirit of adventure, and I felt a sense of great sadness that I might never get to do that again. I snuggled down in my sleeping bag and had a good think about things, before the inevitable interuption from my bladder and mile hike to the toilets!
I knew when I woke up and I looked out at the Beacon that Lini wasn't done with the Air Cadets just yet, and I'm so grateful that even though Stacey never once said "you're making the wrong decision in leaving", she seemed over the moon that I had done an about turn and decided to stay. I also feel a sense of renewal, revitalisation, like a new version of Lini was rising from the ashes of the old one, and maybe this one will learn about balancing cadet commitments with life and saying "I can't, I've got this other thing" every once in a while...
I am not too proud to say I made a mistake, my thinking was all wrong and my judgement was clouded by what happened to me. So it may have been a storm in a teacup, blogging about leaving and now retracting it, but what I realised is that, just because you decide something, and you tell people about that decision, if you want to change your mind, you should and if you want to move your position you can. You're not a tree...
No comments:
Post a Comment