A year ago today...

19th September 2016

I saw a quote that said "If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about a year ago today."

I have a love/hate relationship with my memory.  I like to think I have an excellent ability to recall detail, however with that power comes the great responsibility of dealing with the not so nice things that I'd much rather forget.

A year ago today a very different Lini woke up and went about her day.  By the end of that day five words changed her entire world... five words, "Are you having an affair?"... In fact was it those five or was it the one word that came back? "Yes"....

*PAUSE*

Above is how I started todays blog, full of emphasis on the events of 19th September 2015, however upon hindsight and with a bit of reflection, I don't want to dwell on everything I lost last year.

I've just got off the phone from the Mumma, the irony being that it was at exactly the time I called her tonight, that a year ago I was ringing her in pieces, sobbing and devastated.  Tonight she asked "How are you?" and I answered "Happy".  Because that's the truth.  She said she could tell.  Not only did she say it last time I was in Yorkshire, she said she can see in photos that I'm smiling with not only my mouth, but my eyes and in some ways my heart.

Instead of recanting how I was feeling a year on, I talked about my weekend, how I'd spent it very quietly compared with other weekends, but this time how it wasn't about what I'd done, but more who I'd done it with...

I want to address "the boy"... I use it affectionately, it's not meant to offend, but people have said that calling him that is patronising, or makes him sound like a teenager when I say it. But the truth and reality of the "nickname" is that I hadn't wanted to out him, or reveal too much of him until I was confident in what was happening, but I'm getting the sense that a more than a few people are irritated by my use of "the boy".  So based on your "feedback" - for feedback read telling me off (mostly Michelle and Lyndsey) - I'm going to call him AD from now on! (Happy now?)

In short, I accepted the offer of a date some months ago with him, and we have filled our time together over the last few months with fun and laughter, days out and adventures.  He's enjoyed my world even when the activity isn't something he wold have chosen in a million years, and I've enjoyed his world though I mostly know nothing about cars, and the thing that annoys him most about me is the big dent in the side of mine, but that's a different story! 

AD and I spent some time last night recalling our time together, our various dates, the things we remembered from them, funny little things that may have seemed like nothing to either of us at the time, but that when looked back at made us both feel certain ways.  For example at the car show where we ordered 2 99's and he said to the woman serving "Just put my flake in hers", and she said "It must be love"... I remember us both nervously laughing because we hadn't even had that discussion!  
 
I could go on for ages with all the cute memories and the things that make me smile, but I have to keep some things to myself!  What I liked was that instead of recalling all the bad stuff from a year ago, I was looking at everything I now have, and how I got there.

As I said in my previous blog, music also has the power to make me think, more so than when sometimes people offer advice or consolation.  Tonight Spotify suggested some music and I heard a song called "Better Place" by Rachel Platten.  I shared the link on my wall for those who've never heard of it.  I'll give you a quick lyric sample...

"But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along"

Mushy or what? ... *blush*

I started this blog on the 15th February from a very low place, I remember typing my first few blogs with tears in my eyes, and there have been some very sad times and things I have shared with you all, and you have all embraced.  

I think I built up the anxiety around today all by myself, and I did myself an injustice in doing so, because I'm not looking back, I'm happy with my eyes facing forward!  That is why I don't read these back, I am sticking to that.  I will read them all on the 15th February 2017.

I so just once again want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your support, and your kind words.  The knowledge that you're out there, reading, empathising, offering love and advice and genuinely caring about how I am, has got me through some truly dark times... 

But like Rachel said, right now "the colours are golden and bright again" and right now I get 2 flakes in my ice cream! :) 

Until next time folks xxx

Words create. Know what you want to create before you speak...

Monday 12th September 2016

I hear music every day.  I sing songs in the shower, I hum them in supermarket queues, and I drive my work colleagues mad when I get an "earworm" and sing the same line of a song over and over again.  I wear headphones when I'm out walking and I know the music helps me through.  I change radio and music channels to hopefully hear something I love that brings back memories of nights out, parties, or just a particular time in my life. 

For example "Two can play that game" by Bobby Brown always reminds me of ice skating in Bradford with Cadets in the nineties, and having a friend flirt with the boy I liked, so I requested the DJ play that song! Ah the subtley of the teenage mind.  I'm sure Jenny Kyle will remember that story! Might even have been her idea!

Or how about Starship "Nothings gonna stop us now" which always reminds me of the end of the karaoke in the Horse and Jockey on Saturday nights and my girls.  I believe we even had our girls first dance at Nicolas wedding, I particularly love the line "And if this world runs out of lovers, We'll still have each other" because I genuinely know that they're always there for me, but enough of that, the girls have had their shout out blog!

I do wonder what makes songs so popular, and I heard someone say, "If you want to know how a clock works, take it apart".  Now if I took a clock apart I wouldn't have a flipping clue what I was looking at, but lyrics, they're words, and words are something I know all about.  Words have power.  Words can start and end wars.  Words can break hearts and heal them.  With the right words you can make someone beam from ear to ear, or you can curse them to repeat those words over and over again. 

So the last few months I have found myself dissecting the words in song lyrics more than ever.  I don't know if anyone else ever does this, and I'm pretty sure you probably do.  After all there are songs for all occasions, you just have to look on Spotify and there are playlists put together called "Music for Concentration", "Break Up Songs" or my personal favourite "Move on & Don't Look Back".

Sometimes I'll hear a song and think "Wow, that is exactly how I feel!" and then I realise what I already know, and that I'm not alone in heartbreak or tough times.  I do know that.  I know there are millions of people out there who feel sad for millions of reasons, but this isn't their journey, this is mine.

So for example the new Olly Murs song, "You don't know love"

"You don't know love 'til it tears up your heart
And cuts and it leaves you with scars
You're still feeling
You don't know love"

Poor Olly, or poor songwriter who clearly has some issues with a past love.  It's very easy to see where that song would fit into my situation this year...

Then there's the new Clean Cut Kid song, "We used to be in love"

"My body's shaking as I see you walking by
Are we strangers now?
My heart is breaking as the tears fill my eyes
Cause it just reminds me of how We used to be in love, we used to be in love "

So I suspect we can all see a pattern emerging, upbeat music yet with very sad lyrics that make me think about all the horrific things that have happened over the last year.

However, this morning, fresh from a weekend where despite feeling like I had come down with bubonic plague, I had the loveliest time with "the boy" (we'll come back to the fact I call him that another time), I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to just extend the happy feeling I'd had all weekend into my Monday morning, but life doesn't work like that, so I set off into London, turned off Radio 1 because I can't stand Nick Grimshaw and I miss Chris Moyles (though I don't enjoy him on Radio X) and just put my CD on, Alexis Jordan "Happiness" came on.  

It just took two lines to make me realise that all the terrible things that have happened had led me to this Monday morning, sitting in my car in traffic, the boys kiss fresh on my lips and with these lyrics making my heart swell... So that's how I'll leave this blog today, with just two lines from that song.  Until next time folks.  Keep your ears and your hearts open...
 
"Through strength I found love, In time I found myself in happiness with you"

xxx

#thisgirl #thisgirlwill #thisgirldid ...

"Life is tough, my darling, but so are you - Stephanie Bennett-Henry"

 

Climb a peak Pen-y-ghent 27/08/2016 & Pretty Muddy 5km Phasels Wood 03/09/2016

 As I have alluded to in previous blogs on January the 1st I was unhappy, really truly utterly unhappy.  Whilst I'd "bounced back" from the ultimate betrayal of finding my husband had been having an affair and we were "committed" to giving our marriage the attention it had long been desiring, we were not in a good place, bitterness and anger had replaced every good feeling, suspicion and worry had become daily habits and I knew I needed to focus on being a better version of myself in 2016. I decided then to give myself a list of challenges to focus my energy, give my year some purpose so that if the worst should happen (which it inevitably did) I wouldn't feel like a failure at the end of the year. 

I gave myself mental challenges, physical challenges and ones that I hoped would better myself.  I dreamed of being the best version of Lini I could be.  I dreamed that one day I wouldn't wake up feeling anxious, that one day I would wake up feeling warm, happy and loved because I had made it so. 

Over the last week I have completed two more of my 12 challenges.  

On Saturday 27th August, at 7.30am in the morning (wink wink Becky) Lyndsey picked me up and after a last minute dash for water bottles as I'd left mine in Hemel we were soon on our way to the beautiful countryside which houses the 3 Yorkshire peaks! Our target the summit of Pen-y-Ghent.  I was worried, I can walk on flat and minor hills for miles, but a constant climb for hours had me questioning my sanity in thinking I was ready for it.  The sun was shining, Ginge had applied her suncream and packed her Day-Glo hat, rucksacks were packed and off we went.  Ginge decided we were going up the hard way as it was prettier and more of a challenge... And whilst some of you probably think Pen-y-Ghent is nothing compared to the likes of Ben Nevis or Scafell Pike, I would remind you that I'm neither light nor fit, so a long flight of stairs sometimes beats me!! 

We climbed for what felt like ever... Being passed by spritely children and people doing the 3 peaks in one day! It was slow, it was red face and sweat inducing, but it was glorious.  The views were stunning, the wind rushed in my ears drowning out my heavy breathing.  I wasn't particularly fast, but I wasn't as slow as I think we'd both imagined I would be!  There was of course the hundreds of stops for selfie taking, and inevitable irritation of me faffing with my hair! Then we got to the scrambling part.  Now I would describe my walking style on hills and rocks as somewhat like newly born Bambi on Ice.... I am not sure of foot, much to Ginges amusement.  I kept my head down and didn't look at how far I had to go, I just looked  at the next step and inch by inch, i made it... One small step for Ginge, one giant leap for Lini-kind!  I felt euphoric!  And then the weirdest thing happened,  Ginge hugged me!  Now those of you who know her know that to get a hug that she initiates is rarer than a selfie of me from the right hand side... But she's been by my side in my darkest hours for years, she knew what this meant to me.  And there we were, trig point in sight.  Much selfie taking ensued, a kind lady took some photos of the pair of us, a a spot of lunch and it was time to descend.  Only we could get caught in a sheep jam on the way back down (see the video evidence!) 

I was so happy with what I'd achieved there was time for a quick nap, a shower, change of clothes and some well earned cocktails!  Paula can always be relied on to help me celebrate my successes in her own way and I love her for it!  Especially when she hands me £20 sponsorship for the next challenge...  The Pretty muddy 5km... 

When the morning of my 5km came on 3rd September I was in bits, nervous and full of doubt.  I felt that I hadn't done enough training, I wasn't prepared, I felt like I was going to fall flat on my face and embarrass myself. I couldn't find my number that Race for Life had sent, was it an omen etc. Then "the boy" arrived and reminded me that a mere 7 days ago I had climbed a mountain, he soothed my anxiety and reminded me that I am determined and that one of the things he likes about me is that I do what I say I'll do, he reminded me that people had sponsored me because they believe in me...  After that kind of pep talk how could I do anything other than "man up" and get on my way! 

I found the tent for the admin vortexes like myself and got a replacement number, I wrote out my "I race for..." for my much loved and missed Gran Norma who was taken from us all too soon.  The boy held my shaky hand until it was time to go off with Stacey and join in the warm up which was hilarious, and I guess in January I would have been spent after just that!  Then we made our way to the start line and we were off! Stacey set the pace, I wanted to finish in under an hour, and that was going to be tough for me, I'd said she could go ahead, I'd do it at my own pace, she reminded me that I could do it every time that I said I couldn't.  I could hear the "come the fuck on Lini" in her voice on occasion, and I know her time would have been infinitely faster than mine if she hadn't had me to drag along but she stayed with me, she let me walk up the hills as long as I ran down them, she encouraged me over the obstacles, and even on one of them she came back to pull me over when I misjudged how little my legs were!  The last obstacle was in sight, we had a minute and half to get over it and to the finish line to do it in under 50 minutes.  My legs felt like lead weights, I had mud in my shoes, my entire body felt like I'd just been beaten up, but I ran, I climbed and I slid down the slide into the mud pool at the bottom (where I inadvertently kicked some poor woman) to find Stacey had waited to cross the finish line with me! We were just over 50 minutes, but we did it... I felt this tidal wave of emotion, a mixture of pride, achievement, disbelief, love and warmth to Stacey and a massive amount of mud in my pants!  Then there was the boy, a look of pride and warmth on his face.  He even kissed the muddy sweaty mess I was and said it didn't matter that I'd got mud on him... that's when you know you've found someone special. 

So just one week and two more physical challenges are now complete.. Two challenges I had been full of fear and doubts about, yet with the help and encouragement of people who I love, I did them... I am proud of myself, of the Lini I had forgotten about, the Lini who takes the hands of support offered to her and doesn't bottle everything up inside.  The Lini who's light is shining again... #thisgirlcan #thisgirlwill #thisgirldid