I spell out all the hurtin' words
And I turn my head when I speak
'Cause I can't spell away this hurt
That's drippin' down my cheek - Tammy Wynette
Did you know that according to statistics published in 2012, 42% of marriages end in divorce? That's a pretty hefty number. That means almost half of the couples who say their vows end up where I am now. They may have all taken different roads to get here, but they have all had to go through the rather impersonal process of filling in forms to describe how their "forever" ended earlier than anticipated.
When I said my wedding vows, it didn't occur to me that we wouldn't make it. That one day I'd be humming D. I. V. O. R. C. E to myself. It never occured to me that ten years down the line I'd be ticking a box to end it all. One thing I will say that though is that my upcoming divorce is not a tragedy. Staying in a unhappy situation that wasn't working and being cheated on for the rest of my life would have been the tragedy.
I no longer have to wonder if "this" is how I'm going to spend my life, married to someone who was constantly distracted by his phone, facebook, instagram, twitter, playstation, netflix, the list could go on...
I am glad in a way that I've waited until now to file, not because I thought there was any redemption or way back for us, but more that I am stronger than I was, able to write down details of his affair without it rocking me to my core. I was allowed some distance from the whole mess and that distance has allowed me to view things with fresh eyes and a less angry perspective.
I will not pretend that one day I will forgive what he did. I looked up the definition of forgiveness, it's an interesting read...
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.
I really dislike that in that scenario I am described as a "victim". I don't feel like a victim. I have been hurt and betrayed sure, but I am still here, I have not been defeated by what happened, I have taken over, I have taken charge and I am responsible for my happiness. So instead of forgiving him, I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for believing everything he blamed me for was my problem. I have forgiven myself for being the only one invested in making our marriage work. Most of all I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I possibly could not have known.
Filing for divorce has ended another chapter. I really do look forward to the courts sending me the letter confirming that this particular book is at an end.
I have had some wonderful feedback about what I write on this blog, how it's nice to know that someone else is going through the same or similar things and isn't afraid to speak out about it. I have said many times, this is my journey, there are 3 sides to this story, his, mine and the truth. I am flattered and pleased that so many of you have stayed with me since February, that you continue to read this blog and support me in many many ways.
I do find myself approaching this festive season with a new spring in my step.
A new perspective, new friendships, my forever friends with me in spirit if not in person (yes thats you Paula, Becky, Amy, Nicola and Lyndsey since you complain you haven't been mentioned lately!) and a new shiny love with bells on! My world feels like it is rich, full and in technicolour.
Christmas 2016 will be vastly different to 2015 and I for one cannot wait! xxx
