Memories and what I can control...

"Our scars make us know that our past was for real" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I wonder about you my dear reader.  Who you are.... why you're here....  Are you someone I knew years ago or a new acquaintance?  Do you remember me as a fresh faced schoolgirl, a bolshie barmaid or a cheerful manager?  Are we family or friends?  Did you love me once?  Do you pity me?  Do you read this to feel better about what you have going on?  Do you read this because you care about how I am?  Do my words stay with you?  Do you roll your eyes at me?  Do you wish you could make it easier on me?  Have you been through this?  Are you going through this?  Are you one of the 99% of people who are shocked that my ex could do this to me?  Are you my ex....?   

Whoever you are and whatever your reasons for being here, I envy you. For being on the outside looking in.  For not swinging like a pendulum between rage and bliss on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and win, and other days .... I revert to a teenager.... I revert back to being a teenager who just had her heart broken, and it truly does feel like the end of the world, because there is no comparison, no knowledge of how you get through the other side when your experience in that moment is all you know...

I think something happens to you as your childhood quietly fades away into the harsh realities of adulthood.  As you grow up, you grow more confident, or at least you’re expected to... In reality, the scars of your teenage years last longer than one would assume, and they nestle away quietly hiding beneath the surface of your adult world until the moments you can no longer suppress the pain.

I guess that facing your “demons” is something we all have to do at some point. We must confront the things that plague us...our insecurities, our shortcomings, and the sneaking suspicion that maybe we are not as good of people as we play ourselves to be. Taking stock of yourself can't be a bad thing, it has to be a necessity.  I think to be truly happy, we must be self-aware.  We have to know what makes us happy, what makes us tick, and what we want from life all so that we can begin pursuing a meaningful existence...

Lots of people have tried to give me advice in dealing with my pain and hurt, the main themes are:-

"Try to stay in the present"

I know that reliving the past is addictive.  It gives you the opportunity to do things again, and "respond" differently, to fight back against what happened, to speak your mind with eloquence instead of the jumbled up mash up of words that spill out with tears and rage.  It allows you to think what you could have done to avoid it happening, what you should have done.... In short it allows you to torture yourself...  It really doesn't matter what you should have done, you can't do it now...  I can't do it now.  That's why I've turned off the "On This Day" notifications on Facebook.  It is too painful to see statuses with secret messages to his other woman, and declarations of love for me when he was sleeping with her.  It's not just painful, it's agonising, and I won't find happiness there, so for the moment, my memories are not my friend, it's got to be about the day to day and the very near future.

"Forgive yourself"

When I tell the story I am careful to explain that there are 3 sides to the story, His, Mine and the Truth, I explain how I knew we were on different paths for a long time and I was always away a lot.  This is me blaming myself, if I'd had my eye on what was at home, would he have felt the need to go and cheat.  I can either punish myself forever and submit to the misery that comes with that or simply put I can forgive myself....... I proved that it wasn't me, I forgave him, I took him back, I went against every fibre of what makes me the person I am, because I never wanted to wonder for the rest of my life if I was to blame, and despite everything I did to compensate for what he called out as my shortcomings, he still cheated, so it wasn't me.  It wasn't within my control.  It was all him. 

"Have fun with other people"

People sometimes isolate themselves when they're hurting, it feels safer than showing others our vulnerability, and I appear to be incapable of that. For example this blog, I show myself at my most vulnerable times... It's like leaving an open diary for people to read, though not quite Bridget Jones....  However I do know how to have fun with other people, to take a break from feeling angry and scared and confused.  I have some amazing people in my life who I laugh with until my sides hurt, and in those moments, it's almost "G**** who..." and then he chooses that moment to miss call me, or send a late night message to check if I'm alright in a misguided way which he believes we'll one day be friends because he wishes me well.

He and I will never be friends.  I actually make a point of not cutting people out of my life if they make mistakes because we are all human, friends have made errors in judgement and with some I've had choice words, but when you are utterly betrayed by someone who promised you the world, who promised they would love you to moon and back forever, who broke your heart once and then came back and stomped it into submission a second time, that person can never have a place in your life again.  I understand why his friends and family would still be ok with him, because he didn't do it to them.  He didn't make promises of a future, of being "a team" and a happy family.  I understand why his mother would forgive him, because he's her son.  Not being a parent I don't know much of that bond, but I know enough to know that if it was shoe on the other foot my own fabulous the Mumma would think I was an idiot but she would never disown me.  But it doesn't make what he did acceptable or OK.  I wonder how people can trust someone who deceived so many people so easily, I wonder how she can trust him...  but in wondering about that I stop myself from staying in the present with the things I can control.

I can control that I am fundamentally much happier now.  I'm more active, sociable and good things are happening.  I can control that in just a few sleeps I will be able to see my northern friends and family and spend quality time with them, it has certainly felt like a long month, but I know I cannot control time, never have been able to and never will!  The clock only ticks one way after all....

So my dear reader, if you've been here since "Begin again" I thank you for your support.  I don't read these blogs back, my plan is to read them all again on the 15th February 2017.  I can already feel that I'm different, and I know that I've been on some real highs and lows, and I'm angsty and needy some days, but I hope you don't give up on me, I hope that you'll stay with me and my journey, in some ways it's therapeutic to lay all your feelings bare, I just hope I don't annoy anyone too much!

So I bid you all cheerio for a few days, see you all on the other side of the long bank holiday weekend! xxx

Standing with an army....

Thursday 21st April 2016

I know that I've been messed up, 
You never let me give up, 
All the nights and the fights, 
And the blood and the breakups
You're always there to call up
I'm a pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid
But yet you understand
Yeah like no one can
Know that we don't look like much
But no one fucks it up like us

When I'm with you
When I'm with you
I'm standing with an army
I'm standing with an army

Army - Ellie Goulding 

What a difference just a few days can make.  I find myself smiling, ear to ear.  It's just a mere week until I get to return to the motherland and get much needed actual facetime with my family and friends! 5 nights and 4 FULL days!  This month has felt like a long one but I am ever grateful to my southern friends who are the "family you chose for yourself" for keeping me busy, looked after, motivated and entertained.  Especially those who put up with me on frosty mornings, those who get me personalised mugs, and those who bake me crumble!

I say it often but I am just so fortunate to have people from all reaches of the globe who every day give a shit about how I am and what I'm up to! I wish I could articulate my love for them in an eloquent fashion that didn't sound like I've ripped it off the pages of a 19th century novel, but Ellie Goulding said it better than I or Jane Austen could have today.  I can't name everyone, I'd be too scared of forgetting someone, and some people don't even read this blog so would never know I'd been publically gushing over how amazing they are!

Someone said I seem different this week, like there is an evident weight lifted from my shoulders, and I guess I was living under a cloud, I brought my gloom with me, I was the Eeyore to everyones Tigger for those 5 months.  Now I feel bouyed by my ability to survive what would have destroyed some people.  I don't know enough characters to summarise who I might be now....

I have also discovered just how much I LOVE being outdoors.  I can't believe how inactive I have been for such a long time.  It's funny how being unhappy can affect you physically as well as mentallly without you even knowing it.  So far this month I have been out for 155km worth of walks.  There hasn't been a day I haven't hit my 10,000 steps on my fitbit and I even beat Ginge(r Lyndsey) at the weekend warrior challenge thanks to my 25km stomp from Hemel to Tring and back in the manky rain!  I'm sure she'll kick my arse this week during our "Workweek Hustle!"  My skin has a real glow from being outdoors, and i'm obsessing over the sheer volume of freckles spreading across my cheeks, I am fighting them with foundation, but they're creeping through.  

So only 7 sleeps between me and the open road back to Yorkshire, and those 7 days have fun filled plans of their own too.  I can't wait for Saturday night!  I haven't been as active, busy or happy for a very long time, and maybe that is because as Ellie says "I'm standing with an army" xxx

There will be dark times...

Monday 18th April 2016

"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Wouldn't that be lovely? Isn't that just the ideal.  For now I'd have to say it's the unattainable.  It's been a tumultuous week, highs and extreme lows. 

Fresh from one of my blogs saying I wouldn't "celebrate/commiserate" every 14th, when it rolled around and my council tax bill dropped in with my single persons discount followed by two tickets for Magic weekend in Newcastle, I have to say it was like a punch in the gut.  It certainly put me on my arse for a good 24 hours.   Just when you think tears are no longer for you, theres a familiar eyeball stabbing sensation and give-away-redness that betrays you.  I'm not a fan of crying, it has to be real agony for me to sob the hours away, but I found it hard to give my head a shake and "man up".

I even found myself drawn on an evening walk to the footbridge where we fell out on our one and only ill fated walk this year, I quipped to one of my closest friends that I was worried I might feel like throwing myself off....

I guess I wouldn't be human if I didn't have down days.  The last ten years would have been a complete waste if I was completely fine with what has happened.  This is going to sting for while I know that, and whilst I have been making strides forward, I can't help but look over my shoulder, with an aching feeling inside, oh wait hang on that's Mike and the Mechanics lyrics...   

Shame on you that you fooled me once, shame on me that you fooled me twice.  But I do hope that one day I will only look back at the fun times, not the lies and the broken promises.   

I'm sorry if today I didn't inpsire/motivate/reassure you, but I'll sign off with something that amazing friend said to me last week that pulled me out of my funk, "You can't give up, you don't know how."... :)

Giving...

"We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give."  - Winston Churchill

Good old Winston, definitely coined that phrase didn't he!  It felt strangely appropriate tonight I sit with suitcases (never mind bags) under my eyes, a dull ache on my right arm from my mad archery skills, my nose and cheeks full of freckles and wind burn and a big smile on my face from a fun filled weekend!

Once upon a time when I was a hormonal-angry-at-the-world-for-no-real-reason 13 year old, I sat in an assembly at high school and a girl told us all about this thing she went to called "Air Cadets".  

Fast forward 22 years and I think Air Cadets is now part of my DNA.  I have lost track of the amount of people who ask "Why do you do it?"  I have lost track of the ways in which I smile and explain because "I love it!"  I always say how I wouldn't be the person I am now without cadets in my life,  and that's all because there were people doing #whatwedo back before the hashtag was even a thing!  They gave up their weekends, their annual leave from work, spent time away from their families, spouses, took paperwork home, spent nights writing risk assessments and planning parade nights and countless other things.

Now I'm an instructor I realise they weren't "giving up" they were giving because someone gave for them.  The majority of us crazy folk who volunteer at Air Cadets are ex-cadets, we've lived the horror of not putting our tent up before the rain came, cooking beans and pasta on trangias, getting lost in a field because we didn't quite pay as much attention in naviagtion lessons as we did to what lynx the cute corporal was wearing... :)  

We have sat up until the early hours on RAF stations polishing our shoes until we could see our faces in them.  We have marched on parade square and streets, through cities, towns and villages in our finest ironed uniforms and been proud to be part of something bigger than we are.  We have covered our faces in cam cream and hidden in trees and bushes, we understand the impact of Shape, Shine, Shadow, Silhouette, Spacing and Movement just as we've slept under the stars and suffered the inevitable blocked pores and terrible skin as we didn't wash because we wanted to look "war-ry".  

The lucky ones of us have soared on high in all manner of aircraft, Chipmunks, Bulldogs, Vigilants, Nimrods, Sea Kings, Chinooks to name a few, some have even done flying and gliding scholarships and gone on to be pilots!  We have kayaked, skiied, abseiled and climbed, we've learned how to target shoot with rifles and we've learned to target shoot with bows and arrows.  We have played netball, rugby, hockey and football, we've thrown javelins and shotputs at athletics, half drowned during butterfly at Swimming and come in 3rd to last at Cross Country! 

We have made life long friends who share our memories, who understand what an ensign, a rank slide, Bader or a CWO is.  We all speak the same language.  I won't talk about the internal politics because this isn't a rant and everywhere has some kind of politics, but even then we accept that people won't always agree, and they'll want to play with their trainset in their own way.  And we've all taken pleasure in giving a radio guy heart failure by saying "over and out".... ;)

Cadets has been my lifeline, and there are times we've fallen out of favour, times when life has meant I couldn't give everything I wanted to give, times I have considered leaving, and times when I couldn't imagine my life without it.  There are friends who've grown weary, who've had their fingers burnt or just generally burnt out, and yes there is a life outside of the ATC, but right now I want in.  

When you can teach someone something, impart some knowledge, some small technique that they'll take with them into life, whether or not they remember that you taught them, you have left a small legacy in this world.  When I look back at my time as a cadet, I remember certain staff members, the way they looked after me, things they said in times when I couldn't drag my arse up a hill, the praise they gave me for a job well done and I feel proud that I'm part of that team.

As your old cadets grow up, leave and then they add you on Facebook and you see them living their dreams, travelling, university, qualifying, starting families, getting married, you wonder if they remember back to the time you were waiting at the end of their DofE with water and words of encouragement, if they remember the banter on the multitude of mini bus rides you took or the times they forgot canvas wasn't sound proof and you just heard every piece of gossip on squadron!

I love my cadet family, I love how you can meet someone on Saturday morning and by the end of Sunday you're devastated that you won't see them again for weeks, and that goes for cadets and staff, though as staff you're less likely to cry and have angst... :)

So now, as I tap away on my smart phone my eyes are closing and I can feel the much needed sleep I missed out on last night tapping me on the shoulder and saying "it's time", and at least if my bladder decides to wake me up again, it's only 10 steps to salvation and no zips, muddy boots or icicles!!

I guess the point of tonights blog is that if you can give, give.  And give without a desire to receive, because the rewards are countless, limitless and endless.

More like me....

Thursday 7th April 2016

In a rare change of pace from Pride and Prejudice, I thought we'd start todays blog with a quote from some old school Jayz and Linkin Park, Numb/Encore.  It's my blog, I'm sure we'll return to some Jane Austen soon!  She has so much good stuff to say, believe me!  But for today, take it away Jay-Z and Linkin Park....

"I'm becoming this, all I want to do, is be more like me, and be less like you!"

Every day we listen to so much chatter and noise, everything makes a sound, the TV, the washing machine, a tap running, birds, traffic, people.  Everyone has something to say, some noise to make, some advice to give.  However when you feel at your most raw and exposed, music and lyrics have the ability to reach in and really rip emotions you didn't know you had out of your core.  Last night, I literally felt those 4 sentences in every pore, every vein, every bone, every organ.  I didn't just hear with my ears, I felt with my heart, I saw what it meant with my own eyes.  I am becoming someone new, more like ME and less like you know who!

I have made good choices recently, set myself new challenges, reconnected with old friends and made some bloody lovely new ones!  I have new routines, and I've really connected with my Mum and Dad again despite the distance.  I suppose they worry more now that I'm out in the big wide world alone, but I know that they are so proud of the way I am handling myself and my slow gentle steps in a new direction.  I am imensely proud of the fact they are proud of me, in fact writing that sentence pricks my eyes with tears.  My mum and dad split up when I was young, I was always determined that if I got married, it would be forever, but life has educated me, and I find myself understanding them and their decisions more.  I have never wanted for anything, and despite my troublesome teens and my crazy "I'm marrying a man I've known 6 months and moving to London" decisions, they love me through it all, and I know I'm not always easy to love!


I found a quote yesterday that really struck something deep down in me, I shared it on Facebook and it seemed to strike a chord with others too.

"The same boiling water that softens potatoes, hardens eggs.  It's all about what you are made of, not your circumstances."

So I guess I'm wondering what am I made of?  Sugar and spice and all things nice? Hardly! I'm a right pain in the arse most of the time as my family and friends will attest.  But I do rise to a challenge, and the last couple of months have been the most challenging of my life.  

If you found yourself in deep water and you couldn't swim, would you just go under?  Or would you fight with every ounce of your being to keep your head above water?  Would you care if your arms flailed around and the muscles in your legs burnt from kicking if it kept you afloat?  Would you worry if you swallowed a couple of mouthfuls whilst you were screaming for help as long as it didn't drown you and help came?

I no longer care about those people who think I should be over what happened to me already, their opinions don't matter.  I fell head first into my deep water and I didn't drown.  I'm learning how to swim, but it doesn't mean I'm proficient, what it means is that with good teachers, fantastic support and an end goal in sight I know should I ever fall again, I'll have the skills to survive and thrive.

So regardless of whether I'm a potato or an egg, whether my world is silent or noisy, or whether you're judging me or not whilst you read this, my circumstances are what they are and I think I know how I'm surviving, because I'm made of good old Yorkshire grit, and we all know it!