There will be dark times...

Monday 18th April 2016

"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Wouldn't that be lovely? Isn't that just the ideal.  For now I'd have to say it's the unattainable.  It's been a tumultuous week, highs and extreme lows. 

Fresh from one of my blogs saying I wouldn't "celebrate/commiserate" every 14th, when it rolled around and my council tax bill dropped in with my single persons discount followed by two tickets for Magic weekend in Newcastle, I have to say it was like a punch in the gut.  It certainly put me on my arse for a good 24 hours.   Just when you think tears are no longer for you, theres a familiar eyeball stabbing sensation and give-away-redness that betrays you.  I'm not a fan of crying, it has to be real agony for me to sob the hours away, but I found it hard to give my head a shake and "man up".

I even found myself drawn on an evening walk to the footbridge where we fell out on our one and only ill fated walk this year, I quipped to one of my closest friends that I was worried I might feel like throwing myself off....

I guess I wouldn't be human if I didn't have down days.  The last ten years would have been a complete waste if I was completely fine with what has happened.  This is going to sting for while I know that, and whilst I have been making strides forward, I can't help but look over my shoulder, with an aching feeling inside, oh wait hang on that's Mike and the Mechanics lyrics...   

Shame on you that you fooled me once, shame on me that you fooled me twice.  But I do hope that one day I will only look back at the fun times, not the lies and the broken promises.   

I'm sorry if today I didn't inpsire/motivate/reassure you, but I'll sign off with something that amazing friend said to me last week that pulled me out of my funk, "You can't give up, you don't know how."... :)