More like me....

Thursday 7th April 2016

In a rare change of pace from Pride and Prejudice, I thought we'd start todays blog with a quote from some old school Jayz and Linkin Park, Numb/Encore.  It's my blog, I'm sure we'll return to some Jane Austen soon!  She has so much good stuff to say, believe me!  But for today, take it away Jay-Z and Linkin Park....

"I'm becoming this, all I want to do, is be more like me, and be less like you!"

Every day we listen to so much chatter and noise, everything makes a sound, the TV, the washing machine, a tap running, birds, traffic, people.  Everyone has something to say, some noise to make, some advice to give.  However when you feel at your most raw and exposed, music and lyrics have the ability to reach in and really rip emotions you didn't know you had out of your core.  Last night, I literally felt those 4 sentences in every pore, every vein, every bone, every organ.  I didn't just hear with my ears, I felt with my heart, I saw what it meant with my own eyes.  I am becoming someone new, more like ME and less like you know who!

I have made good choices recently, set myself new challenges, reconnected with old friends and made some bloody lovely new ones!  I have new routines, and I've really connected with my Mum and Dad again despite the distance.  I suppose they worry more now that I'm out in the big wide world alone, but I know that they are so proud of the way I am handling myself and my slow gentle steps in a new direction.  I am imensely proud of the fact they are proud of me, in fact writing that sentence pricks my eyes with tears.  My mum and dad split up when I was young, I was always determined that if I got married, it would be forever, but life has educated me, and I find myself understanding them and their decisions more.  I have never wanted for anything, and despite my troublesome teens and my crazy "I'm marrying a man I've known 6 months and moving to London" decisions, they love me through it all, and I know I'm not always easy to love!


I found a quote yesterday that really struck something deep down in me, I shared it on Facebook and it seemed to strike a chord with others too.

"The same boiling water that softens potatoes, hardens eggs.  It's all about what you are made of, not your circumstances."

So I guess I'm wondering what am I made of?  Sugar and spice and all things nice? Hardly! I'm a right pain in the arse most of the time as my family and friends will attest.  But I do rise to a challenge, and the last couple of months have been the most challenging of my life.  

If you found yourself in deep water and you couldn't swim, would you just go under?  Or would you fight with every ounce of your being to keep your head above water?  Would you care if your arms flailed around and the muscles in your legs burnt from kicking if it kept you afloat?  Would you worry if you swallowed a couple of mouthfuls whilst you were screaming for help as long as it didn't drown you and help came?

I no longer care about those people who think I should be over what happened to me already, their opinions don't matter.  I fell head first into my deep water and I didn't drown.  I'm learning how to swim, but it doesn't mean I'm proficient, what it means is that with good teachers, fantastic support and an end goal in sight I know should I ever fall again, I'll have the skills to survive and thrive.

So regardless of whether I'm a potato or an egg, whether my world is silent or noisy, or whether you're judging me or not whilst you read this, my circumstances are what they are and I think I know how I'm surviving, because I'm made of good old Yorkshire grit, and we all know it!