The elephant in the room...

 "Weight loss is not the key to your dreams.  The truth is the door is flimsy and there is no lock" - Golda Poretsky

On the 1st January I set myself 12 challenges.  I didn't know what was to come, I didn't know the chaos that would reign... But my god right now am I happy that I gave my year some focus so I had some structure when everything else fell apart...

2 of the 12 challenges have driven the first 5 months of my year:-

1) Walk or run 500km of tracked walks/runs

2) Lose 3 stone 

Walk or run 500km

Let's talk about challenge 1 (500km) which came about because I needed to start thinking about challenge 3 (run a 5km race)  In January I had only walked a paltry 3.8km towards that total, and that was the ill fated snowy walk that set my future on fire.  Indeed even at the end of February, I'd only managed to clock up 40km towards my target.  The road seemed quite literally, long!  But then I found my legs, wobbly, shaky, definitely not sea worthy legs but soon enough they were putting one foot in front of the other on a daily basis... I'm up to 409km now!  I may even finish this challenge 7 months early... So it would be rude to stop at 500km if I do... Maybe i'll plump for a 1000km.  Let's achieve the 500 first though!

Lose 3 stone!

"You'll love Lini, she's so down to earth"... Yes because she's so heavy she can't get her feet off the ground... lol 

Being funny and fat do seem to go hand in hand! Maybe it's years of being a big girl that have done it to me, but in all honesty I've never given too much of a toss about being who I am, what I weighed.  I was never bullied, never struggled to find love, and I like to think I don't ever look a buggar in anything I wear!  I do love a frock!  In 2012 when my ex was on traning in Canada for 5 months, I focused on me and my physical wellbeing.  Without someone else to look after and a routine I could design around myself, I managed to lose 3 stone, it didn't make me "thin" but I looked and felt better for it.  Time passed and I lost focus on me, and I packed on the poundage, so much that I put on 4 stone, more than I lost!  Dominos pizza will always be my nemesis!  Especially when you couple it with cheesecake and a sedentary lifestyle.

So at the beginning of this year I thought I'd try and find the focus on me again, little did I know of what was to come, and how much that would "shape" (no pun intended) my journey.

I'm two stone down, and mostly thanks to challenge 1, my diet hasn't dramatically improved, I still cant stomach veg and I'd definitely hide them under my mash if someone tried to force me!  But I do think twice about starter, main AND pudding now, opting for one or the other, but the old "eat less, move more" statement appears to have been the kickstart key.  AND I can get in my jeans again!  I've become a Fitbit fanatic and there isn't much I wouldn't do to get my steps in!  

The evidence is below, never one to shy away from a selfie, I'm genuinely shocked at how I didn't see just how big I had gotten... The first photos were taken on the 30th January 2016, and the second photos taken earlier this week.

 

I am proud of myself, of everything I have achieved in spite of what happened, not because of.  I set myself these challenges when my life wasn't what it is now, and I'm honouring the person who set them by pushing on. 

I'm not finished yet.  I still have 91km to walk and a stone to lose to complete my first two challenges, but I'm confident now I can see change!

And I'm doing this for me, not because he cheated on me, not because "the grass was greener". The changes I'm making are ones I can feel the benefit of.

I'm watering the grass he neglected, I'm blossoming into someone new, I'm no longer the elephant in the room! Haha!

Smiling again...

Sunday 15th May 2016

True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart. - Helen Keller (or Next Home Accessories)

I broke my rule. I read that last blog back, but only because of just how amazing you have all been in response.  I am so touched by the response it received.  I know it can seem like a really sad thing to put out there but writing it all down, admitting what he said to me, it really put my head in a much better place.  I was in tears when I wrote that blog, despite the amazing time I'd had back home, I felt like a needle in my skin that I needed to pull out.  When I read it back I didn't cry.  I've said what I needed to say, flushed it out of the system, and I forbid anyone to feel sorry for me because I truly have so much to be thankful for in my life, everyone has something they must overcome.

But it has been a difficult blog to follow... It was quite the expose of the life of Lini. 

My lovely Paula shared a quote on Facebook that made her think of me.

"It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down.  What matters is who made you smile again."

If you have given me a hug, a gentle smile, a kiss, a word or two of encouragement, a long message, a short message or even a thought then it's you... You're part of the amazing group of people helping me smile again.

I was browsing my profile pictures, and I came across a selfie I took in September, when I'd "run away" to the north to get my head straight, it was a night out, I look alright from my certain angle but there is just such an expression of defeat in my eyes, real pain, when I looked at it I was surprised I hadn't seen it at the time.  I compared it to one taken on the last night out I had in Birstall in April... The contrast is striking... I've heard of grief being written all over your face, but never once had I seen it in myself.  In the most recent one I am beaming, glowing, not just smiling but you can see it in my eyes, it's not forced it's not put on, I'm just genuinely happy and feeling loved.

The sun's shining and I'm relaxing in my garden as I write this today... I'm on my own, I have my earphones listening to some chilled out summer music and in homage to the big kid I am, I'm making a daisy chain!  The sun keeps dodging behind clouds, the squirrels keep running along the fence and freezing when they know I'm looking.  Next doors cat is "tanning" it's belly.   I can see my other neighbours kids bouncing on the trampoline and evidently screaming.  The light breeze keeps rustling the trees and I'm sure I can smell BBQ!

I'm getting used to my own company as I watch the world go by... I'm getting used to taking some time out of being that busy woman who was away every weekend, always on the go for other people...

I can't say that I'll ever be as comfortable alone as I am in a group of people, but I'm learning about who I am, what makes Lini tick and I know I'm going to be alright.  I don't just think it anymore.  I just know it...

Not the blog you're "expecting"...

This entry is not a recap of my amazing weekend in the north, and it's a bit raw, so if you're expecting tales of debauchery and drunken seductions, this is probably not the entry for you today.

During my excellent weekend in the north, I had dinner with a new friend and afterwards something really got me thinking.  As we were chatting they asked why I didn't have any kids with my ex, and I simply told them, because I can't have kids...

There was no awkward pause, no cover story, no embarrassment.  I didn't feel like I had to explain myself.  I've never felt that way before, and I've never been as matter of fact with someone new.

It's "funny" how the question "When are you having kids?" has melted away into the statement "Aren't you lucky you didnt have kids."

No actually.  I'm not lucky not to have kids, that's like telling a couple who've split up that they're unlucky to have their children.  You just wouldn't say it. 

Sure I'm fortunate that once my divorce is finalised I'll have no reasons ever to see or speak to my ex again, but even if we had succeeded in having a family, that's so much more of a bigger picture than what he did.

It would be like my mum and dad being unlucky to have had me.  Sure my mum tells me if I'd been first there'd never be another...  but I don't believe for a moment even in the dark times of their divorce that they ever felt unlucky to have me just because it would mean dealing with each other.

People used to ask why we didn't have kids.  Was I career woman?  Did we think he was too young? I would say that there was just never a right time that came up.  It's not true...  There was.  We tried.  We tried hard when I was 27/28. I was poked, prodded, pricked, scanned and tested, the results "PCOS" .  Not a definite no, but difficult.  So I went on medication and it made me so poorly, and it became no fun.  It became about tests and times of the month... We stopped.  We gave up.  We surrendered to the idea of fate for the time being.

Imagine if you will a man who would hold you everytime a friend announced they were pregnant, who would tell you it didn't matter that it was a struggle, that he loved you no matter what.  He would cuddle you with every period that arrived.  Who you spoke about adoption with and in your lowest moments reminded you that life might not be easy, but things do work out, and they will work out, because you have each other, to the moon and back, forever... Then imagine the moment that you find out that man has been unfaithful, imagine how you can't breathe because your lungs won't work, how your heart feels like it's beating outside of your chest, how you feel like someone has poured acid in your eyes, and your world has just fallen apart... Imagine feeling the lowest you have ever felt... Then imagine him telling you that a reason for him cheating on you is because you can't have kids... Ouch right?

I have accepted my fate, because sadly I don't believe I will ever trust anyone in that way again.  I can't imagine my heart ever recovering the way it would need to if I was to ever contemplate a family, and even if it did it would take time and as my dodgy ovaries and I have a biological clock ticking in only one direction, I think it's safe to say that Auntie Lini is all I'll ever be.

I have friends who say it isn't fair, that I would be an amazing mum (not sure about that) but these things are sent to try us.  I love spending time with my nephews, my god children, my friends kids, all of whom I don't see enough.  I love the innocence and discovery, the cheeky grins, and I get the best of it because I get to go home or give them back...

I guess my point today is, when you reach for something comforting to say to someone, perhaps consider the way you phrase it especially if the subject has many variables.

And those of you lucky enough to have children, whether you be happily married, single parents, struggling with custody arrangements etc.  I admire you... But I'm not offering to babysit anytime soon!