Smiling again...

Sunday 15th May 2016

True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart. - Helen Keller (or Next Home Accessories)

I broke my rule. I read that last blog back, but only because of just how amazing you have all been in response.  I am so touched by the response it received.  I know it can seem like a really sad thing to put out there but writing it all down, admitting what he said to me, it really put my head in a much better place.  I was in tears when I wrote that blog, despite the amazing time I'd had back home, I felt like a needle in my skin that I needed to pull out.  When I read it back I didn't cry.  I've said what I needed to say, flushed it out of the system, and I forbid anyone to feel sorry for me because I truly have so much to be thankful for in my life, everyone has something they must overcome.

But it has been a difficult blog to follow... It was quite the expose of the life of Lini. 

My lovely Paula shared a quote on Facebook that made her think of me.

"It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down.  What matters is who made you smile again."

If you have given me a hug, a gentle smile, a kiss, a word or two of encouragement, a long message, a short message or even a thought then it's you... You're part of the amazing group of people helping me smile again.

I was browsing my profile pictures, and I came across a selfie I took in September, when I'd "run away" to the north to get my head straight, it was a night out, I look alright from my certain angle but there is just such an expression of defeat in my eyes, real pain, when I looked at it I was surprised I hadn't seen it at the time.  I compared it to one taken on the last night out I had in Birstall in April... The contrast is striking... I've heard of grief being written all over your face, but never once had I seen it in myself.  In the most recent one I am beaming, glowing, not just smiling but you can see it in my eyes, it's not forced it's not put on, I'm just genuinely happy and feeling loved.

The sun's shining and I'm relaxing in my garden as I write this today... I'm on my own, I have my earphones listening to some chilled out summer music and in homage to the big kid I am, I'm making a daisy chain!  The sun keeps dodging behind clouds, the squirrels keep running along the fence and freezing when they know I'm looking.  Next doors cat is "tanning" it's belly.   I can see my other neighbours kids bouncing on the trampoline and evidently screaming.  The light breeze keeps rustling the trees and I'm sure I can smell BBQ!

I'm getting used to my own company as I watch the world go by... I'm getting used to taking some time out of being that busy woman who was away every weekend, always on the go for other people...

I can't say that I'll ever be as comfortable alone as I am in a group of people, but I'm learning about who I am, what makes Lini tick and I know I'm going to be alright.  I don't just think it anymore.  I just know it...