This entry is not a recap of my amazing weekend in the north, and it's a bit raw, so if you're expecting tales of debauchery and drunken seductions, this is probably not the entry for you today.
During my excellent weekend in the north, I had dinner with a new friend and afterwards something really got me thinking. As we were chatting they asked why I didn't have any kids with my ex, and I simply told them, because I can't have kids...
There was no awkward pause, no cover story, no embarrassment. I didn't feel like I had to explain myself. I've never felt that way before, and I've never been as matter of fact with someone new.
It's "funny" how the question "When are you having kids?" has melted away into the statement "Aren't you lucky you didnt have kids."
No actually. I'm not lucky not to have kids, that's like telling a couple who've split up that they're unlucky to have their children. You just wouldn't say it.
Sure I'm fortunate that once my divorce is finalised I'll have no reasons ever to see or speak to my ex again, but even if we had succeeded in having a family, that's so much more of a bigger picture than what he did.
It would be like my mum and dad being unlucky to have had me. Sure my mum tells me if I'd been first there'd never be another... but I don't believe for a moment even in the dark times of their divorce that they ever felt unlucky to have me just because it would mean dealing with each other.
People used to ask why we didn't have kids. Was I career woman? Did we think he was too young? I would say that there was just never a right time that came up. It's not true... There was. We tried. We tried hard when I was 27/28. I was poked, prodded, pricked, scanned and tested, the results "PCOS" . Not a definite no, but difficult. So I went on medication and it made me so poorly, and it became no fun. It became about tests and times of the month... We stopped. We gave up. We surrendered to the idea of fate for the time being.
Imagine if you will a man who would hold you everytime a friend announced they were pregnant, who would tell you it didn't matter that it was a struggle, that he loved you no matter what. He would cuddle you with every period that arrived. Who you spoke about adoption with and in your lowest moments reminded you that life might not be easy, but things do work out, and they will work out, because you have each other, to the moon and back, forever... Then imagine the moment that you find out that man has been unfaithful, imagine how you can't breathe because your lungs won't work, how your heart feels like it's beating outside of your chest, how you feel like someone has poured acid in your eyes, and your world has just fallen apart... Imagine feeling the lowest you have ever felt... Then imagine him telling you that a reason for him cheating on you is because you can't have kids... Ouch right?
I have accepted my fate, because sadly I don't believe I will ever trust anyone in that way again. I can't imagine my heart ever recovering the way it would need to if I was to ever contemplate a family, and even if it did it would take time and as my dodgy ovaries and I have a biological clock ticking in only one direction, I think it's safe to say that Auntie Lini is all I'll ever be.
I have friends who say it isn't fair, that I would be an amazing mum (not sure about that) but these things are sent to try us. I love spending time with my nephews, my god children, my friends kids, all of whom I don't see enough. I love the innocence and discovery, the cheeky grins, and I get the best of it because I get to go home or give them back...
I guess my point today is, when you reach for something comforting to say to someone, perhaps consider the way you phrase it especially if the subject has many variables.
And those of you lucky enough to have children, whether you be happily married, single parents, struggling with custody arrangements etc. I admire you... But I'm not offering to babysit anytime soon!
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