I saw a quote that said "If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about a year ago today."
I have a love/hate relationship with my memory. I like to think I have an excellent ability to recall detail, however with that power comes the great responsibility of dealing with the not so nice things that I'd much rather forget.
A year ago today a very different Lini woke up and went about her day. By the end of that day five words changed her entire world... five words, "Are you having an affair?"... In fact was it those five or was it the one word that came back? "Yes"....
*PAUSE*
Above is how I started todays blog, full of emphasis on the events of 19th September 2015, however upon hindsight and with a bit of reflection, I don't want to dwell on everything I lost last year.
I've just got off the phone from the Mumma, the irony being that it was at exactly the time I called her tonight, that a year ago I was ringing her in pieces, sobbing and devastated. Tonight she asked "How are you?" and I answered "Happy". Because that's the truth. She said she could tell. Not only did she say it last time I was in Yorkshire, she said she can see in photos that I'm smiling with not only my mouth, but my eyes and in some ways my heart.
Instead of recanting how I was feeling a year on, I talked about my weekend, how I'd spent it very quietly compared with other weekends, but this time how it wasn't about what I'd done, but more who I'd done it with...
I want to address "the boy"... I use it affectionately, it's not meant to offend, but people have said that calling him that is patronising, or makes him sound like a teenager when I say it. But the truth and reality of the "nickname" is that I hadn't wanted to out him, or reveal too much of him until I was confident in what was happening, but I'm getting the sense that a more than a few people are irritated by my use of "the boy". So based on your "feedback" - for feedback read telling me off (mostly Michelle and Lyndsey) - I'm going to call him AD from now on! (Happy now?)
In short, I accepted the offer of a date some months ago with him, and we have filled our time together over the last few months with fun and laughter, days out and adventures. He's enjoyed my world even when the activity isn't something he wold have chosen in a million years, and I've enjoyed his world though I mostly know nothing about cars, and the thing that annoys him most about me is the big dent in the side of mine, but that's a different story!
AD and I spent some time last night recalling our time together, our various dates, the things we remembered from them, funny little things that may have seemed like nothing to either of us at the time, but that when looked back at made us both feel certain ways. For example at the car show where we ordered 2 99's and he said to the woman serving "Just put my flake in hers", and she said "It must be love"... I remember us both nervously laughing because we hadn't even had that discussion!
I could go on for ages with all the cute memories and the things that make me smile, but I have to keep some things to myself! What I liked was that instead of recalling all the bad stuff from a year ago, I was looking at everything I now have, and how I got there.
As I said in my previous blog, music also has the power to make me think, more so than when sometimes people offer advice or consolation. Tonight Spotify suggested some music and I heard a song called "Better Place" by Rachel Platten. I shared the link on my wall for those who've never heard of it. I'll give you a quick lyric sample...
"But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along"
Mushy or what? ... *blush*
I started this blog on the 15th February from a very low place, I remember typing my first few blogs with tears in my eyes, and there have been some very sad times and things I have shared with you all, and you have all embraced.
I think I built up the anxiety around today all by myself, and I did myself an injustice in doing so, because I'm not looking back, I'm happy with my eyes facing forward! That is why I don't read these back, I am sticking to that. I will read them all on the 15th February 2017.
I so just once again want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your support, and your kind words. The knowledge that you're out there, reading, empathising, offering love and advice and genuinely caring about how I am, has got me through some truly dark times...
But like Rachel said, right now "the colours are golden and bright again" and right now I get 2 flakes in my ice cream! :)
Until next time folks xxx
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