It's always darkest before the dawn...

Tuesday 16th August 2016

The 13/14th passed without conscious thought again this month, perhaps because my heart is somewhat distracted...

 

"It's always darkest before the dawn." - Florence and The Machine

 
How many times have you heard that expression?  How many times has someone put an arm around you and whispered those words?  How many times have the words been accompanied with a conciliatory smile? Have you ever sat up and investigated if it's true, whether that be intentionally or unintentionally?  Maybe it's not actually that dark, maybe it's just something people say to soothe you when things seem bleak...

"Stars can't shine without darkness." - Too many folk to give credit to...

How about that one? A platitude designed to let you know that the darkness will reveal hidden strengths in your character that you never knew you had.  But stars do shine in the darkness.  I remember when I moved to London I really missed the stars.  The light pollution in Knightsbridge meant that you could never truly see the sky, and the stars were what kept me connected to home, kept me feeling like I was under the same sky as my family and friends.  But what about when you don't want to shine in the dark?  What if you want to exist in the sunshine? 

"Everybody wants to be a diamond, but nobody wants to get cut" - Lots of dispute on the internet over who this quote belongs to...

I wondered if for the last 6 months I have been living in that hour before dawn, comfortable to shine in the darkness.  Unable to move to a position where I could feel the sun on my face.  Maybe now I'm ready to be a diamond. After all I've been cut repeatedly and diamonds really do shine bright under the right kind of light.

This weekend the dawn burst forth in glorious technicolour.  The light was blinding, in fact for a moment on Sunday it knocked me clean off my feet.  I wasn't prepared for it.  I know what the sun looks like, and I know what blue skies are.  I know deep down I have been apprehensive about the sunrise, about watching a new day really get started... 

On Sunday I really felt the sun on my face.  I basked in it.  I was wrapped up in the warmth of the day.  On Sunday I knew that I mattered.

Pretty soon I'm going to have to take a leap of faith and this terrifies me.  I have survived the darkness, I am enjoying a new dawn.  But could I survive another darkness, would it dull my shine completely?  It's a chicken and egg scenario.  Do you give out trust and wait for it to be broken, or do you withhold trust and wait for it to be earned?

I am slightly gutted that this is the 2nd time I've written this post, because some of the original sentiment and outpouring has been lost.  I am aware I am talking in riddles and metaphors, and I'd like to apologise.  I'd like to, but I won't.  You all know what I'm talking about... :)