Bitter or better? ...

Tuesday 9th August 2016

In a break from tradition, I saw a quote on a friends Facebook and it is those words that have inspired today's blog rather than my ever faithful Jane Austen.

"You either get bitter or you get better.  It's that simple.  You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.  The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you." - Josh Shipp - Motivational Speaker Dude

The above quote really struck me.  It was the highlighted words, "bitter", "better", "choice" "belongs to you".  The last time that my ex upset me, I realised I was holding onto ideas about him being a better person than he is.  Once I let go of that it was almost like I let go of a lead weight.  

The last two weeks have kept me so busy, I haven't felt the urge to blog.  Previously my feelings have bubbled up inside me like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.  I could almost feel the steam squeezing out of the smallest gaps, but for the last few weeks, I haven't felt that way.
 
I realise after seeing that quote that I made a choice to let go of the "bitter".  It's been very easy to feel hard done to.  With everything that I gave up for him, with everything I supported him through, the false promises for the future, the loss of him hardened me.  It made my daily persona like a suit of armour that I would put on every morning, weighing me down, and despite the feelings of relief over certain things and the happiness created with other people, I was still sunk down with convincing everyone and myself that I was moving forward and that I was going to be ok.

When I found out about my ex cheating I felt like I was a problem.  I felt unattractive.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  People said I was actually too good for my ex and that he deserves the trash he's now picked up.
 
I honestly feel like now I made a choice to be better after that last fight.  I actively decided he could take what he wanted then, because actually it would be one of the last things he could take, and it didn't even really matter that much to me.

I said in February that I wouldn't make any big decisions about my life, my future and "what next" for a good six months.  I needed time to heal.  I wouldn't say that I'm healed yet, but Stacey did remind me that September is just around the corner and this was the "deadline" I'd given myself for some of the more immediate life decisions I need to make.  Home, Job, etc.  Because of the choice I made to let go of my anger, I have found myself excited at some of the options I have available to me.  I don't know which path I'm going to choose just yet, but I know that I am ready to start to think about those big decisions that in February made me feel physically sick to contemplate.

In other news I have been holding myself back from becoming attached to someone new, fears, doubts, worries and a distinct ability to overthink every situation are my forte, but I have met someone who doesn't see me as the nightmare headcase I suspect myself to be.  I said very clearly that I had to have things in common with any new person who wanted to be with me in the future, we had to share an interest, and preferably mine in walking!  But life doesn't deal the hands you want, I should definitely know that by now.  
 
We have little or no common interests, we live very different lives, but there is a spark there that makes me feel like maybe just maybe.... I have held back from social media, I have held back from speaking about him in this blog and even now I am not going to go into details.  This is not about him.  This is about me.  So what I can say is this....

I really like him.

Until next time people :) x