Thursday 28th July 2016
"Angry people are not always wise" - Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice
After promising myself I wouldn't post Facebook statuses that were blatantly aimed at my ex, this week I let myself down. There are reasons, there are excuses, but there really is no need.
People say that I have been grieving over my marriage, because grief is a natural response to the loss of someone very dear. They say that I'll experience many emotions because there isn't a text book for each person and situation. They also say it may feel like it will never end, but that it will. Grief is unique to each person.
What I've realised is that my ex isn't grieving what he's lost. Lini has been compartmentalised and packed away in a part of his pysche, that I imagine won't unravel for many years to come. Lini is now just someone he used to know. I'm not even sure he thinks of me as someone he used to love, based on his behaviours towards me some days.
I understand that calling other people fat will never make you thin, calling other people ugly will never make you pretty and holding onto things that cause you pain will never heal a broken heart.
What he asked of me this week was unreasonable. Unreasonable in my eyes, my friends eyes and my families eyes. But the fundamental point is, that didn't matter to him.
I cannot waste my energy in hoping he'll be a better man, that he will think about my feelings in his actions. I have to accept that he is not ever going to put me first again. And the anger that I feel when he acts like a prick, is only ever going to upset me, and I really don't like being upset. It doesn't suit me, it's really not my colour, and you can't accessorise it with a good pair of heels!
I am not ready to forgive what he did, I am not ready to forget, I don't know that I will ever do either, but there was a moment this week where my rage just left me. I realised that was within my control. I was holding onto something that made me furious, but when I let it go, the relief was astounding.
I would like to know if there's anything else she'd like to take of mine, I mean I have 2 kidneys after all, after this week I'm not sure they're above asking for one of those... But even with that slice of sarcasm, I'm actually smiling...
Maybe it has been myself that I'm fighting, the Lini who believed that deep down there was a modicum of good left in the man I loved. That Lini and I shall no longer come to blows on that subject.
There are people out there who will take time out of their day to make you smile, not cause you pain. Today someone did that for me. With the simplest of actions, they made me beam from ear to ear. Why? The romantics will say because they're smitten. The cynics will say because they want something. The realists will say simply because they wanted to.
So it's with that dawning realisation that this Lini approaches this weekend with a much lighter heart, a smile from ear to ear and plans with people who think I'm pretty special.
See you in August! xx
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