"She had a lively playful disposition, that delighted in anything ridiculous" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
*Lini watches a tumbleweed blow across the page*
I cannot believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. What's flattering is that people have asked when the next one was coming, but I haven't, until now, found the inspiration to return to this corner of the internet.
The last few weeks have been a mixture of extreme highs and lows, there has been side splitting laughter, real heart ache, complete confusion, copious amounts of alcohol and a severe lack of wellbeing caused by a chest infection.
So where to start, how to begin tonights entry? What has prompted me today to take "pen to paper" and document where I find myself today. The irony is that whilst today is the 13th/14th as I begin and finish this blog, my mind hasn't been on the fact that it's now 4 months since the Valentines weekend massacre, I only realised that as I typed the date into this blog.
I have spent a significant amount of time in the north over the last month, I have had some fun adventures through my friends childrens eyes, and in some ways have regressed to being a "child" myself. I'm sure if I start one more story with "I was so hammered" people might think I'm trying to relive my teenage years. But there is something about Birstall that makes me feel "young" again, possibly because I never lived my life with my ex here. These streets are not paved with memories of our time together, we shared no permanent residence here, and he made no effort to ingratiate himself with my friends so noone misses him. So it's very easy for me to remember being that 24 year old Lini before she fell for "the one". It's so simple to erase a ten year marriage from view when you have no reminders except a scar on your ring finger and an every shrinking ache in your heart.
In contrast I have found my time in the south marred with illness and worry. When you're sick you want someone to take care of you, to put their arms around your plague infected body and not care if they catch it. To fetch you a cup of tea, or check on your temperature. I have to confess I hadn't realised how pathetic I am when I'm ill until recently. This chest infection has ruined my sleep pattern, and some days I feel like my chest is loaded with crap as I cough, splutter and breathe like Darth Vader. Waking up unable to breathe from coughing, unable to get your breath and looking round an empty house is quite the scary occurance, and as the woman who imagines the crimewatch re-enactment of my demise quite frequently when I walk home alone from the pub, the thoughts that race through my head are quite dark and eerie of late. There have been tears, there have been questions and doubts of my ability to survive living alone...
But despite being constantly tired, sounding like I'm about to cough up a gold chain and sometimes struggling to catch my breath, I have managed to squeeze some fun in too.
There has been the rugby in Newcastle, the sandy beach of South Shields, the frolics of Kirkby Lonsdale, the tranquility of Skipton, the beauty of Bolton Abbey, sandcastles in Scarborough, tiaras and hot tub action in Thwing, boozing in Birstall... I have laughed hard, partied hard and drunk myself into oblivion. I have caught up with old friends, I have made new friends, I have as my mum puts it "come out of my shell" which for anyone who knows me seems an odd concept, as I have never been backwards in coming forwards, but I guess she means that I am happier. I am getting more content with who I am, though I remain quite stubborn about some things!
My earlier quote from Pride and Prejudice I find I resonate with. I in no way consider myself a physically attractive person, I know I'm alright from a good selfie angle and this comment is not designed in any way to provoke anyone to contradict it, we each have our own insecurities, however I do believe I have an attractive personality. I am able to make friends quickly, and I really do have more friends than I believe I deserve sometimes. I say what I think, but I believe I deliver it with humour and kindness. I am never going to be everyones cup of tea, the world would be boring if we were all the same and liked the same things and the same people. But I am lively and playful and I delight in the ridiculous things that drinking fishbowls in hot tubs will make a person do! And thats before we mention #sluggate.
I could ramble forever in no real direction tonight, for my life has been so full and rich despite being ill the last few weeks, I have discovered joy in things I never knew existed. I have developed new friendships to the point that I smile whenever I think of them, and I am ever grateful to my family and my friends who instinctively know when I am in need of a hug, some advice, or just to sit in silence and stare at nothing.
Tonight someone shared some advice on Facebook that I ripped off:-
"Love your fucking life. Take pictures of everything. Tell people you love them. Talk to random strangers. Do things you're scared to do. Fuck it."
I'd say that's pretty much how I've survived the last 4 months, and how I'll survive the next. Life is busy, life is fun, and once I shake this flipping chest infection and cough off I feel like nothing is going to stop me... Or stop us... In fact... if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other, nothings gonna stop us.... :)
Oh and I turn 35 on Saturday. Yikes...
*Lini disappears off chasing after that tumbleweed...*
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