I have been thinking for days about this phrase, "Home is where the heart is." It keeps coming up in conversations, on the TV, in books etc.
Sure enough for years I have always believed my heart lay in Yorkshire, after all only those of us who grew up in and around Birstall will understand the unique qualities of the village, there is a warmth about the place that cannot be explained. My ever supportive family and friends live there and I love spending time there. Sure there are some questionable elements, but on the whole, I've always imagined one day I'll settle back there.
However when I found out for the 2nd time about his infidelity, my gut instinct wasn't to go home, to "down tools" and run away. Sure I wanted to see my friends and family and have someone put their arms around me and whisper that it was going to be ok, but I didn't feel the instant urge to hand my notice in and move back. And I think the last few days I've begun to understand why. I want to know who I am without my old life to dictate it. It would be easy to slip back in, but I have made a life for myself here down south, and it deserves a fair shot.
Home isn't always necessarily a place. For ten years my heart has been wherever he was. He was my home, my anchor, my warmth and comfort. I only ever wanted to be where he was, and that is the army life way, you don't form attachments to houses or friends because as soon as you do, you'll get posted elsewhere. Every second your other half is away from you on training exercises or actually at war your heart isn't whole because a part it is always with them. You function, you get by, you live your daily life, but at night when you curl up alone you whisper into the dark "I love you" in the hope their heart will hear you.
I'm not scared or embarrased to say that my heart is now broken, there is noone to hear me whisper I love you into the dark, in fact there isn't a person to say it to, my anchor doesn't exist anymore. So is my heart lost without a place to call home?
The last few days I have laughed so hard and so much more than I have in a long time, and in unexpected places with some unexpected people. Sure drinking port from the decanter probably wasn't amongst my finest moments, but the banter and the genuine laughter as the last few days have passed have made me think about finding new places for my heart to live. Whittling wood with cadets as they learnt life skills from someone with passion, dining in with cadet staff and laughing into the early hours, sunday lunch with Lou hiding broccoli under my mash potato, using up Fayes minutes as the years we haven't spoken for just melted away... all these things, they've made me smile all day long today.
So I've decided that since my heart is broken, I'll divvy up the pieces for safe keeping. A piece with my mum and a piece with my dad for always loving and being proud of me whatever my choices. Pieces for my girlfriends who love me no matter how crazy or needy I can be. Pieces for my "army" friends who are spread far and wide now but who our shared experiences mean we'll always have something in common. Pieces for my cadet family who share joy in #whatwedo and a piece for Yorkshire for being "Gods own county".
One day I know I'll find someone who will have the ability to unite all the pieces, I have complete faith in that. How can I have such faith? Because that person will be me. Just as soon as I figure out who "me" is.
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