Roller Coaster...

"A girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then, it is something to think of" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I'm sorry my dear Jane, but this time you're wrong! I could have really done without being crossed in love.  Sometimes I wonder that I might be a bit too broken to even think about starting again.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster on the emotional front.  Monday rolled around with the realisation that it was a month since... I should have some name for the horrific events of valentines weekend, but I don't... I'm just going to say since my marriage ended, and I have to say it hit me harder than I thought it would.  Not because I have any wish to return to where we were, but just to experience the realisation that the clock only ticks one way.  I know that one month will become two, and then six and a year will have passed soon enough.  I'm not going to "celebrate"  or "commiserate" on every month "anniversary" but when you've spent ten years with someone, a month without them is a really long time.  So I allowed myself to be upset, but I did very little to really cope with it and so the upset continued into the week.  I'm a master at painting a happy face on sadness, and my job keeps me so busy some days it's 5pm before I've even realised what mood I'm in, so I guess outwardly noone knew the pain bubbling below the surface.  But Friday came around with its promise of a busy weekend and I found the clouds lifting.

I really should have spoken to someone, talked through how low I felt, but I didnt. Lesson learnt for the future.

On Saturday I think I caught up on all the laughter I'd missed midweek, in large part thanks to the great company and beautiful Oxfordshire countryside.  Ross and Joel whilst mocking me mercilessly lifted my spirits higher than the hill we had to climb to see the beacon!  Then it was home, a quick change and off to challenge my knowledge with a quiz night! And Alan, Jamie, Geoff and Susanna managed to keep me on the high as we bossed our way through a fun quiz night! How do I know that an octopus has 3 hearts? Or that J is the only letter not to appear in the periodic table? Yet I don't know things that make Ross tell me to "READ A BOOK!" And there must have been something in the air as when I bought my raffle tickets, I said to Jamie that I like the number 444 as it always reminds me of love and light, and sure enough ticket 444 won me a bottle of Bellini cocktail! I mean the last 4 letters spell Lini! It was like it was meant to be!

And today, my first outing with my new squadron and new cadets.  For those who don't know I decided that Windsor cadets held too many memories, driving down that road would forever remind me of happier times and whilst happy times are good memories, I fear to relive them week after week would begin to make me bitter.  So I have decided to wave the white flag at Herts and Bucks Wing, and Stacey has really welcomed me with open arms.  She's done an amazing job as the OC and she has a young squadron with a lot of potential.  It feels exciting to be back at cadets, sure there is a fabulous social life element to it that I desperately need right now, but to help guide and shape young people's futures is rewarding and fulfilling.  I had so much fun as cadet and I made life long friendships that continue to this day, even with my first love, who three timed me with a girl nicknamed mushroom head! But we're over that now....

Our day out today at the RAF Museum was funny, chatting as a staff team, taking selfies of course!  Realising maybe we made the quiz a little too hard... But I am happy to have had a weekend full of laughter.

So I know the gaps between my blogs are getting longer, it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say but more that I am sometimes struggling with the words to express how you move on, and I have probably lost some readers who think "Isn't she over this yet" but this is my space to vent, to laugh, to cry and to become Lini... I know it's ok not to be OK... So here's hoping that next week, with so much to look forward to, there is no Monday wobble!

So if you're still with me, thank you.. Thank you for wanting to know how I am, for your messages of support, your hugs, and your company.  Being on my own and being alone are two very different things and you make the journey easier.