A note to myself...

Wednesday 25th January 2017

“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

It sounds odd to say this, but I wish I could talk to the me that I was back on the 13th February last year, I wish someone had opened up and told me that every tear I'd shed, every moment of rage, every sleepless night would lead me to a better place. 

Last week I was told by one person that there should be a time limit on my hurt and anger and that displaying it publicly is wrong.  I think it's obvious who that person was.  And so many of you supported my choice to say what I said and I thank you.

 

However last week I was also reminded that this is my story, my journey and there is no time limit on anything I think or feel.  The person who has inadvertently inspired this blog made his choice to hurt me, and subsequently he has given up his rights to tell me how I should feel about anything ever again.  Not that he ever had a right to do that, but you know what I mean.  I made the choice to remove the link, but I didn't remove my previous blog entry, it's still up, I still mean everything I wrote in it.  This is my truth and whilst it may not always be easy to read, it's mine to own. 

I am absolutely aware that right now, I am living my life out loud.  I am allowing anyone who wishes to read what I write into the inner sanctum of my heart and mind.  That will end soon.  My story won't be over, but this part of my journey will be.  I cannot wait to read everything back, I am guessing I will cry, I will laugh and I will think "What were you on Lini?".

However today I feel compelled to write the following to myself, and I guess to anyone who is going through something similar right now, you got this.

Lini, 

I know that today the pain feels like it might consume you.  I know that you feel alone and scared and vulnerable.  I know that you will put a brave face on all of this for other people.  I know that you will cry yourself to sleep and you will worry constantly about being on your own in this.  Let me tell you now, you are not alone.  

You will find that getting your thoughts down on "paper" is important, because trying to think them through doesn’t work.  You will get caught in endless loops of negativity that only lead you further down the rabbit hole.

 

Your parents love you, they will always love you and support your choices.  They will listen to everything you say and offer words of advice that touch your heart. 

Your mum will become your rock.  She will put her arms round you and you will feel the tension leave your body.  Nothing in this world will ever compare to being in your mums arms.  She will not complain when you move in every other weekend, sometimes for a week at a time.  She will roll her eyes at you when you regress to being your 24 year old self and stumble in after another night on too many Proseccos.  She will give you the best piece of advice you will get all year:-

Learn from the past. Live in the now. Visualise the future.

Your friends will be honest with you.  Even when you don't want to hear it.  They will question some of your decisions and be brutally honest with their opinions.  They will hold you when you cry, they will laugh with you until you all struggle to breathe.  They will sit with you in silence when you are exhausted, and they will check in on you constantly.  The miles between you will mean nothing and you will be proud that these people love you.

You will fall down, you will ache and you will hurt.  But you will stand up, you will heal and you will succeed. 

You will watch the man you loved become less and less of the man you knew.  He will continue to cause you pain until you let go, and my dear, let go as soon as you can.  Do not try and hold onto any ideas you have about him, he will honour what you agreed today, but he will make it difficult for you, and the sooner you understand he is not the person you knew, you will be able to deal with it with a clearer head.

You will achieve the things you set out to do.  You will do some of this alone and some with the people who love you by your side.  You will feel proud of yourself I guarantee it.

You will unexpectedly meet someone who as hard as you try to keep at arms length, will win you over with every second you spend with him.  He will make you feel like you are special, he will look at you in a way that makes you wish you could see yourself through his eyes.  You will fall in love with him so easily it will shock you.  The moments you share together will make you wonder how you got so lucky. 

When you feel the fear, remember that everything you want will be waiting for you on the other side.  

 

Chin up chick, your story is just beginning.  You got this. xxx