"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!" - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Blimey! It's 2017, not only is it 2017, but its 10 days into 2017! I mean thats just a mere 348 days left until it's Christmas all over again... Ok ok enough with the bah humbugs, I know most of us are only just recovering from the festivities and the permitted daytime drinking... Firstly Happy 40th Birthday to Paula, your Hula party was legendary! Secondly Happy not 40th Birthday to Nicola, I hope you had a great birthday!
When I started this blog on a very cold day in February 2016 I had a very broken heart, I was reeling from betrayal, ready to believe that I'd never let anyone close to me ever again, and I guess convinced that by the time Christmas came around I'd be living back in the bosom of my family and friends in Yorkshire. Well didn't my year deal me an unexpected hand...
I have probably said this many times, with 39 unread blogs under my mince pie and prosecco widened belt I couldn't tell you what I've said by now, but I am a fan of moments. What follows now is not something I am bitter about, but it gives context and clarity for me to look back on. Back in October 2015 when I took my ex back he bought me a new engagement ring because I'd said I could never wear my old rings again knowing how much he had disrespected our vows. I asked him to find a moment to give it to me. I wasn't asking for a grand gesture, just a moment in time where he said something to me that meant it wouldn't just be the ring he bought because he cheated. I specifically asked him not to give it to me on Christmas day.
The ring sat in the box for weeks, gathering dust. I waited, wondering if each day or night would have been the night that he cuddled me tight and told me everything I needed to hear, everything about how sorry he was and how much he loved me, but it never came. Days rolled on, I struggled on, cried myself to sleep most nights, I worried constantly if he was still in touch with her or if he was looking for someone new instead.
On Christmas day in front of his family he decided to conceal the ring in another gift. I opened the bag and I panicked, it wasn't right, I had specifically said I didn't want this scene, I didn't want everyone to be involved in our moment, in having to explain why he was giving me a new ring, what was wrong with the old one etc. I hastily closed the bag and gestured to him that it wasn't the right time. He became sullen and moody. He said he felt rejected, that was the moment he'd chosen. What he hadn't taken into account when making his choices were my feelings, which pretty much summed up the last few years of our relationship anyway. In all honesty, despite what it looked like to the outside world, we had a very unhappy Christmas, the best way to describe it as like two jigsaw pieces that look like they fit together, but actually there are subtle differences which mean as hard as you try, they just don't sit right.
I tried, I painted a happy face on him giving me the ring, I said it didn't matter about moments, but what I realise now more than ever, is that I shouldn't give up what matters to me. Last week AD and I went for dinner, I asked for some mayonnaise, I know I know it's bad for you but shush! The waitress brought it over and put it down. It was the other side of the table from where I was sitting so I reached over (what I realise now was somewhat awkwardly) and dunked my chip. I went back to picking at bits on my plate and as I did, AD moved the mayonnaise closer to my plate. I hadn't looked at him, I hadn't asked, I hadn't suggested he do it, he just made that moment a bit easier for me without me even asking. And it made me realise, that's who he is, kind, caring, genuine and without concious thought he seems to want to make things easy for me.
It seems silly I guess that I'm comparing a diamond ring to chip dunking mayonnaise, but my thought pattern often resembles Mr Tickles arms so I'm not too shocked. There were what feels like a million other moments over the Christmas and New Year break in which I fell more and more in love with AD.
I loved seeing him with my family, his face when my mum gave him a flat cap, him laughing at my Stepdads pun after pun after pun. I liked watching my nephews working him out, 4 year old Tommy tickling his feet and beating him up with a cushion. I liked hearing him chat about landrovers with my dad, hearing him answer the questions my sister and brothers asked him, and my stepmum telling me she'd been quizzing him and he's just lovely! I like seeing him with my friends, watching him hold his own with Paula is amusing, she doesn't go easy on him! I was in hysterics as Amy accidentally groped his bare leg in shorts, and was soon joined by Becky. Stacey and Alan welcomed us round to their house and we shared laughs and prosecco! Everyone really seems to like him, and they say they can see how happy I am, which gives me even bigger warm and fuzzies.
I am also very lucky that his family and friends have been so warm and welcoming to me. We have shared some really lovely and hilarious moments this Christmas and New Year, and I think they're all just about over the shock of him wearing his very first Christmas jumper, and him losing at Monopoly! For the first time in many years I spent a new years eve with other people and not alone whilst my ex worked, and it was just lovely. We laughed, we joked, we bantered and then Zoe did a comedy fall and I thought I might ache the next day from laughing so hard. At midnight AD kissed me and the world melted away.
I realise that I am lucky in so many ways. I am lucky that my parents raised me to be strong and independent so that I was able to deal with what happened last year with dignity and strength. I am lucky that I know myself, I know who I am and I will never lose sight of that again. I am lucky that I build good solid friendships, ones that support me no matter how crazy my decisions, how many times I go back and forth and change my mind, they are there for me in every way that I ask. I am lucky that I love my job and the people I work with, and that when I wasn't able to give everything I normally give, people understood the change and supported me through. I am lucky that I was encouraged to date to meet new people, and straight away I was lucky enough to meet AD and even luckier to have him fall in love with crazy old me.
Now it's back to reality. AD and I have enjoyed our first festive season with plenty of time together surrounded by laughter and love. The Santa hat and Christmas Jumpers are stowed away ready for next year, the work commute is back to a crawl and the emails well they just keep on coming, but honestly just honestly.... it really was the most wonderful time of the year!
Until next time folks.... Lini xx
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