I put my pieces back together differently...

Wednesday 19th October 2016

I was asked recently if the last blog I wrote was it, was that my story done?  No not at all, but I know I haven't blogged in a while.  It's weird.  This place wasn't supposed to just be a place to catalogue my journey to finding love again, it is really a place where I can vent about anything, explore how I feel about my new life versus my old life.  What's odd is that I've been so happy just living my life lately I haven't felt the desire to write it down, to obsess, to stress.

So does that mean today I am obsessing and stressing because I'm here writing a blog post? Let me assure you now that it does not.  However, there is a topic that requires some attention.  I found a quote online when browsing for inspiration, and it really struck a chord with me.  It has been at the forefront of my mind for some time now. 

"You don't know this new me; I put back my pieces differently"

Some time ago I wrote a blog called "Giving..." I don't recall the exact wording but I know I spoke of my love for the Air Cadet Organisation and the things it has given me, and the time I have given back. It was well received, people were inspired by it and it explained how a lot of us feel about being a member of cadets.

Imagine if you will, 13 year old Lini.  She's my height (short arse), chubby (or so I used to think), short bobbed brown hair (because my mum wouldn't let me take control of it).  She's a bit of a cocky nightmare teenager, she answers back, she's stroppy but she's not a bad kid at heart.  

Lini walked in the gates and doors of 185 (Batley) Squadron in October 1994 and her life changed.  Those of you who have been cadets will no doubt remember your first night on squadron.  How everything seemed so different to what you knew, how words like ensign and drill, abbreviations like NCO and ACP and titles like Warrant Officer and Civilian Instructor confused you, yet quickly they became part of your vocabulary.  

I remember my first smell of the Squadron stores, essentially a broom cupboard packed full of musty smelling uniform and adventure training kit, that smell never leaves your psyche, you know what I mean.  Cadets gave me so many firsts.  My first parade night in uniform, neatly pressed shirt and skirt, shiny shoes and pewter tights! My first time shooting a rifle, trying to balance, load and get 5 bullets in the space of a 2p piece and the first time I did it and gained my marksman!  My first time commanding a drill squad, realising my inner drill major as the voice that came out was assured and confident.  My first time in a plane, where after the "jump jump John" video I waddled with my parachute attached to sit in a Chipmunk for my first air experience flight.  The pilot saying "you have control" and me repeating "I have control" and taking control of the plane, granted it was brief as we started to wobble and he quickly said "I have Control" in an amused voice.  

Those years that I spent as a cadet, shaped me, my dedication, my passion, my drive.  When I was old enough I went back as staff, to make sure that the new generation could participate in the things I did, to pay back in some way everything it gave me for free.  I know I was passionate, creative, a ball of energy.  I bantered with the cadets, was approachable, firm but fair, and I built strong friendships with both cadets and staff.  I know my input was valued and valuable.  

I remember both of Adult Sergeant boards, I remember my passion drove me through.  I was enthusiastic, knowledgable, personable, I knew both times that I'd pass, and that confidence also drove me through.  But life over the years has kept me from fulfilling a uniformed role fully, and both times, the pressures of work and home life, led me resign my NCO role and return to being a CI.  It was always the better fit for me, I never quite learned how to hold my tongue!

I have seen so many cadets start as fresh faced teenagers, little "balls" of potential and I am so proud to count some of them now as friends.  I watch their lives with glee, from getting married, to starting families, to becoming pilots or joining the armed forces.  I am proud to have been a part of their journey.  I am proud to know so many fabulous young people who will be future leaders I am sure. 

But lately I have "lost my way."  I have lost my passion and lost my drive.  For 22 years on and off cadets has been my life, but now I want to try something new, see what else is out there.  I don't feel the same way about it anymore.  It's like I love it, but I'm not in love with it anymore.  It has been a struggle to take the decision to leave, it has taken some real soul searching, some sleepless nights, some difficult conversations, but I have made my choice. 

If you'd have told me on the 15th February that I'd be making this choice, I'd have thought you were crazy, but I am told the earth is round, and what might feel like the end, could just be a new beginning... The decision is made.  Ironically 22 years since I enrolled at 185 (Batley) Squadron, I'll be resigning as a Civilian Instructor on the 31st October 2016.

If you are reading this and our connection is through the Air Training Corps, Air Cadet Organisation, RAF Air Cadets or whatever we call ourselves nowadays, I hope that we will continue to share a friendship, I will always want to hear what's going on, and I'll be gutted if I don't get to be a plus one at any dinners! 

I'll try not to be sad because it's over, and I'll try not to be troubled over my future, but I am intending to live in the present and looking forward to trying something new.  All good things must come to an end they say, and I couldn't be luckier that my cadet career is ending with the fabulous people I know now.  

There have been tears, there has been heartache, but I leave this blog with this thought, how lucky am I to have had something in my life, that makes saying goodbye to it so hard. xx

A year ago today...

19th September 2016

I saw a quote that said "If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about a year ago today."

I have a love/hate relationship with my memory.  I like to think I have an excellent ability to recall detail, however with that power comes the great responsibility of dealing with the not so nice things that I'd much rather forget.

A year ago today a very different Lini woke up and went about her day.  By the end of that day five words changed her entire world... five words, "Are you having an affair?"... In fact was it those five or was it the one word that came back? "Yes"....

*PAUSE*

Above is how I started todays blog, full of emphasis on the events of 19th September 2015, however upon hindsight and with a bit of reflection, I don't want to dwell on everything I lost last year.

I've just got off the phone from the Mumma, the irony being that it was at exactly the time I called her tonight, that a year ago I was ringing her in pieces, sobbing and devastated.  Tonight she asked "How are you?" and I answered "Happy".  Because that's the truth.  She said she could tell.  Not only did she say it last time I was in Yorkshire, she said she can see in photos that I'm smiling with not only my mouth, but my eyes and in some ways my heart.

Instead of recanting how I was feeling a year on, I talked about my weekend, how I'd spent it very quietly compared with other weekends, but this time how it wasn't about what I'd done, but more who I'd done it with...

I want to address "the boy"... I use it affectionately, it's not meant to offend, but people have said that calling him that is patronising, or makes him sound like a teenager when I say it. But the truth and reality of the "nickname" is that I hadn't wanted to out him, or reveal too much of him until I was confident in what was happening, but I'm getting the sense that a more than a few people are irritated by my use of "the boy".  So based on your "feedback" - for feedback read telling me off (mostly Michelle and Lyndsey) - I'm going to call him AD from now on! (Happy now?)

In short, I accepted the offer of a date some months ago with him, and we have filled our time together over the last few months with fun and laughter, days out and adventures.  He's enjoyed my world even when the activity isn't something he wold have chosen in a million years, and I've enjoyed his world though I mostly know nothing about cars, and the thing that annoys him most about me is the big dent in the side of mine, but that's a different story! 

AD and I spent some time last night recalling our time together, our various dates, the things we remembered from them, funny little things that may have seemed like nothing to either of us at the time, but that when looked back at made us both feel certain ways.  For example at the car show where we ordered 2 99's and he said to the woman serving "Just put my flake in hers", and she said "It must be love"... I remember us both nervously laughing because we hadn't even had that discussion!  
 
I could go on for ages with all the cute memories and the things that make me smile, but I have to keep some things to myself!  What I liked was that instead of recalling all the bad stuff from a year ago, I was looking at everything I now have, and how I got there.

As I said in my previous blog, music also has the power to make me think, more so than when sometimes people offer advice or consolation.  Tonight Spotify suggested some music and I heard a song called "Better Place" by Rachel Platten.  I shared the link on my wall for those who've never heard of it.  I'll give you a quick lyric sample...

"But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along"

Mushy or what? ... *blush*

I started this blog on the 15th February from a very low place, I remember typing my first few blogs with tears in my eyes, and there have been some very sad times and things I have shared with you all, and you have all embraced.  

I think I built up the anxiety around today all by myself, and I did myself an injustice in doing so, because I'm not looking back, I'm happy with my eyes facing forward!  That is why I don't read these back, I am sticking to that.  I will read them all on the 15th February 2017.

I so just once again want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your support, and your kind words.  The knowledge that you're out there, reading, empathising, offering love and advice and genuinely caring about how I am, has got me through some truly dark times... 

But like Rachel said, right now "the colours are golden and bright again" and right now I get 2 flakes in my ice cream! :) 

Until next time folks xxx

Words create. Know what you want to create before you speak...

Monday 12th September 2016

I hear music every day.  I sing songs in the shower, I hum them in supermarket queues, and I drive my work colleagues mad when I get an "earworm" and sing the same line of a song over and over again.  I wear headphones when I'm out walking and I know the music helps me through.  I change radio and music channels to hopefully hear something I love that brings back memories of nights out, parties, or just a particular time in my life. 

For example "Two can play that game" by Bobby Brown always reminds me of ice skating in Bradford with Cadets in the nineties, and having a friend flirt with the boy I liked, so I requested the DJ play that song! Ah the subtley of the teenage mind.  I'm sure Jenny Kyle will remember that story! Might even have been her idea!

Or how about Starship "Nothings gonna stop us now" which always reminds me of the end of the karaoke in the Horse and Jockey on Saturday nights and my girls.  I believe we even had our girls first dance at Nicolas wedding, I particularly love the line "And if this world runs out of lovers, We'll still have each other" because I genuinely know that they're always there for me, but enough of that, the girls have had their shout out blog!

I do wonder what makes songs so popular, and I heard someone say, "If you want to know how a clock works, take it apart".  Now if I took a clock apart I wouldn't have a flipping clue what I was looking at, but lyrics, they're words, and words are something I know all about.  Words have power.  Words can start and end wars.  Words can break hearts and heal them.  With the right words you can make someone beam from ear to ear, or you can curse them to repeat those words over and over again. 

So the last few months I have found myself dissecting the words in song lyrics more than ever.  I don't know if anyone else ever does this, and I'm pretty sure you probably do.  After all there are songs for all occasions, you just have to look on Spotify and there are playlists put together called "Music for Concentration", "Break Up Songs" or my personal favourite "Move on & Don't Look Back".

Sometimes I'll hear a song and think "Wow, that is exactly how I feel!" and then I realise what I already know, and that I'm not alone in heartbreak or tough times.  I do know that.  I know there are millions of people out there who feel sad for millions of reasons, but this isn't their journey, this is mine.

So for example the new Olly Murs song, "You don't know love"

"You don't know love 'til it tears up your heart
And cuts and it leaves you with scars
You're still feeling
You don't know love"

Poor Olly, or poor songwriter who clearly has some issues with a past love.  It's very easy to see where that song would fit into my situation this year...

Then there's the new Clean Cut Kid song, "We used to be in love"

"My body's shaking as I see you walking by
Are we strangers now?
My heart is breaking as the tears fill my eyes
Cause it just reminds me of how We used to be in love, we used to be in love "

So I suspect we can all see a pattern emerging, upbeat music yet with very sad lyrics that make me think about all the horrific things that have happened over the last year.

However, this morning, fresh from a weekend where despite feeling like I had come down with bubonic plague, I had the loveliest time with "the boy" (we'll come back to the fact I call him that another time), I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to just extend the happy feeling I'd had all weekend into my Monday morning, but life doesn't work like that, so I set off into London, turned off Radio 1 because I can't stand Nick Grimshaw and I miss Chris Moyles (though I don't enjoy him on Radio X) and just put my CD on, Alexis Jordan "Happiness" came on.  

It just took two lines to make me realise that all the terrible things that have happened had led me to this Monday morning, sitting in my car in traffic, the boys kiss fresh on my lips and with these lyrics making my heart swell... So that's how I'll leave this blog today, with just two lines from that song.  Until next time folks.  Keep your ears and your hearts open...
 
"Through strength I found love, In time I found myself in happiness with you"

xxx

#thisgirl #thisgirlwill #thisgirldid ...

"Life is tough, my darling, but so are you - Stephanie Bennett-Henry"

 

Climb a peak Pen-y-ghent 27/08/2016 & Pretty Muddy 5km Phasels Wood 03/09/2016

 As I have alluded to in previous blogs on January the 1st I was unhappy, really truly utterly unhappy.  Whilst I'd "bounced back" from the ultimate betrayal of finding my husband had been having an affair and we were "committed" to giving our marriage the attention it had long been desiring, we were not in a good place, bitterness and anger had replaced every good feeling, suspicion and worry had become daily habits and I knew I needed to focus on being a better version of myself in 2016. I decided then to give myself a list of challenges to focus my energy, give my year some purpose so that if the worst should happen (which it inevitably did) I wouldn't feel like a failure at the end of the year. 

I gave myself mental challenges, physical challenges and ones that I hoped would better myself.  I dreamed of being the best version of Lini I could be.  I dreamed that one day I wouldn't wake up feeling anxious, that one day I would wake up feeling warm, happy and loved because I had made it so. 

Over the last week I have completed two more of my 12 challenges.  

On Saturday 27th August, at 7.30am in the morning (wink wink Becky) Lyndsey picked me up and after a last minute dash for water bottles as I'd left mine in Hemel we were soon on our way to the beautiful countryside which houses the 3 Yorkshire peaks! Our target the summit of Pen-y-Ghent.  I was worried, I can walk on flat and minor hills for miles, but a constant climb for hours had me questioning my sanity in thinking I was ready for it.  The sun was shining, Ginge had applied her suncream and packed her Day-Glo hat, rucksacks were packed and off we went.  Ginge decided we were going up the hard way as it was prettier and more of a challenge... And whilst some of you probably think Pen-y-Ghent is nothing compared to the likes of Ben Nevis or Scafell Pike, I would remind you that I'm neither light nor fit, so a long flight of stairs sometimes beats me!! 

We climbed for what felt like ever... Being passed by spritely children and people doing the 3 peaks in one day! It was slow, it was red face and sweat inducing, but it was glorious.  The views were stunning, the wind rushed in my ears drowning out my heavy breathing.  I wasn't particularly fast, but I wasn't as slow as I think we'd both imagined I would be!  There was of course the hundreds of stops for selfie taking, and inevitable irritation of me faffing with my hair! Then we got to the scrambling part.  Now I would describe my walking style on hills and rocks as somewhat like newly born Bambi on Ice.... I am not sure of foot, much to Ginges amusement.  I kept my head down and didn't look at how far I had to go, I just looked  at the next step and inch by inch, i made it... One small step for Ginge, one giant leap for Lini-kind!  I felt euphoric!  And then the weirdest thing happened,  Ginge hugged me!  Now those of you who know her know that to get a hug that she initiates is rarer than a selfie of me from the right hand side... But she's been by my side in my darkest hours for years, she knew what this meant to me.  And there we were, trig point in sight.  Much selfie taking ensued, a kind lady took some photos of the pair of us, a a spot of lunch and it was time to descend.  Only we could get caught in a sheep jam on the way back down (see the video evidence!) 

I was so happy with what I'd achieved there was time for a quick nap, a shower, change of clothes and some well earned cocktails!  Paula can always be relied on to help me celebrate my successes in her own way and I love her for it!  Especially when she hands me £20 sponsorship for the next challenge...  The Pretty muddy 5km... 

When the morning of my 5km came on 3rd September I was in bits, nervous and full of doubt.  I felt that I hadn't done enough training, I wasn't prepared, I felt like I was going to fall flat on my face and embarrass myself. I couldn't find my number that Race for Life had sent, was it an omen etc. Then "the boy" arrived and reminded me that a mere 7 days ago I had climbed a mountain, he soothed my anxiety and reminded me that I am determined and that one of the things he likes about me is that I do what I say I'll do, he reminded me that people had sponsored me because they believe in me...  After that kind of pep talk how could I do anything other than "man up" and get on my way! 

I found the tent for the admin vortexes like myself and got a replacement number, I wrote out my "I race for..." for my much loved and missed Gran Norma who was taken from us all too soon.  The boy held my shaky hand until it was time to go off with Stacey and join in the warm up which was hilarious, and I guess in January I would have been spent after just that!  Then we made our way to the start line and we were off! Stacey set the pace, I wanted to finish in under an hour, and that was going to be tough for me, I'd said she could go ahead, I'd do it at my own pace, she reminded me that I could do it every time that I said I couldn't.  I could hear the "come the fuck on Lini" in her voice on occasion, and I know her time would have been infinitely faster than mine if she hadn't had me to drag along but she stayed with me, she let me walk up the hills as long as I ran down them, she encouraged me over the obstacles, and even on one of them she came back to pull me over when I misjudged how little my legs were!  The last obstacle was in sight, we had a minute and half to get over it and to the finish line to do it in under 50 minutes.  My legs felt like lead weights, I had mud in my shoes, my entire body felt like I'd just been beaten up, but I ran, I climbed and I slid down the slide into the mud pool at the bottom (where I inadvertently kicked some poor woman) to find Stacey had waited to cross the finish line with me! We were just over 50 minutes, but we did it... I felt this tidal wave of emotion, a mixture of pride, achievement, disbelief, love and warmth to Stacey and a massive amount of mud in my pants!  Then there was the boy, a look of pride and warmth on his face.  He even kissed the muddy sweaty mess I was and said it didn't matter that I'd got mud on him... that's when you know you've found someone special. 

So just one week and two more physical challenges are now complete.. Two challenges I had been full of fear and doubts about, yet with the help and encouragement of people who I love, I did them... I am proud of myself, of the Lini I had forgotten about, the Lini who takes the hands of support offered to her and doesn't bottle everything up inside.  The Lini who's light is shining again... #thisgirlcan #thisgirlwill #thisgirldid

The sisters I chose for myself...

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer

 

Yesterday my ex upset me once again, those of you who can see his Facebook will know what I'm talking about and those of you who can't, well, it'll come as no surprise that on the day I chose to share that I've met someone pretty amazing, he took that as the green light to shout how much he loves the tramp he cheated on me with.  C'est la vie, what's done is done, it doesn't change anything and just proves how little is left of the man I loved.  Tonight I felt like it was time to sort through some old photos and purge the ones of the two of us, what happened though was something entirely unexpected and simply magical.

I opened the box on the shelf that houses my old photo albums, yes actual insert photo albums, and as I sifted through some packets and ripped up some photos, it wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be, but there was a tinge of sadness... 

I began to look through albums entitled "Adventures 2003/2004/2005" before I met my ex, and I found myself smiling, then beaming and then physically laughing out loud, so I reached for my phone to share with the 5 people who know me inside and out some amazing memories!

I have alluded to "my girls" before in this blog, but tonight I truly realised just how lucky I am.  Paula, Lyndsey, Becky, Nicola and Amy are the sisters I chose for myself, sometimes whether they like it or not.  Our friendship has withstood the test of time, distance, heartaches and so much more. I cannot imagine where I would be if it were not for these girls who have given me a heart full of joy.  

They are the people with whom I have the absolute freedom to be myself, and yes they don't always agree with my decisions, they don't always think I'm wise and they definitely know I have a self destruct button that they try and steer me well away from, but of any friends I've ever known, I truly believe they love me unconditionally and will be with me forever.  They are beautiful people, inside and out, and whilst we all have our flaws, we accept them, embrace them and love each other all the more for them.

As I turned page after page of memories, drunken selfies from before selfies were a thing, photos from road trips, holidays abroad, rare photos of their partners when it was a crime to bring a boy on a girls night out (unless it was Pete!)  I found my heart physically beating with love.  I have had the misfortune to lose the ability to remember a large chunk of the last ten years of my life with real affection, I am unable to share those memories with the person who was by my side in my tenure in the south, but I realised these girls have always been by my side, they've always been in my heart.

We are all so different, we all have our own style, our own types, in fact when we put together our partners at Nicolas wedding, they were all so randomly different we wondered what they found to talk about!  Yet despite our differences we work as a group.  I live 200 miles away from them and yet I realise I feel more connected to them than I ever did to my ex who lived in the same house as me.

I am lucky, so lucky that I can call these girls my friends.  They might be quick to click the "Add Friend" button to wind me up, but they are even quicker to throw a box of tissues at my head when I'm crying, they checked on me every day in the aftermath of the "Valentines massacre" and they have each in their own way given me strength and encouragement to see myself as someone who matters again. 


They have held me whilst I have cried.  They have talked to me for hours on the same subject, never once telling me to shut up and get over it.  They have expressed with the appreciated vitriol their feelings about what my ex did.  They even "sucked it up" and prepared to forgive him for me when I chose to take him back at first.  And they never once said "I told you so" when it all inevitably fell apart.

I could extoll each of their individual virtues, but they'd all tell me off for using big words!  I could list the things they've done for me, but there isn't enough space on this blog.  I wanted to share with the people who read this blog just how special friendship is, how it can save you.  You don't always see the big moments coming, you really don't know how much your life can change in the blink of an eye.  I didn't.  But the one thing I did know was that the moment I needed these girls, they were there for me, no questions asked, no excuses made.

I love them.  It's a simple as that.  I love them.  They are the 5 greatest loves of my life.
 
**This blog is not to discredit any of my other friends with whom I share fabulous memories and beautiful friendships, so please do not be disheartened that you are not mentioned this evening.**

It's always darkest before the dawn...

Tuesday 16th August 2016

The 13/14th passed without conscious thought again this month, perhaps because my heart is somewhat distracted...

 

"It's always darkest before the dawn." - Florence and The Machine

 
How many times have you heard that expression?  How many times has someone put an arm around you and whispered those words?  How many times have the words been accompanied with a conciliatory smile? Have you ever sat up and investigated if it's true, whether that be intentionally or unintentionally?  Maybe it's not actually that dark, maybe it's just something people say to soothe you when things seem bleak...

"Stars can't shine without darkness." - Too many folk to give credit to...

How about that one? A platitude designed to let you know that the darkness will reveal hidden strengths in your character that you never knew you had.  But stars do shine in the darkness.  I remember when I moved to London I really missed the stars.  The light pollution in Knightsbridge meant that you could never truly see the sky, and the stars were what kept me connected to home, kept me feeling like I was under the same sky as my family and friends.  But what about when you don't want to shine in the dark?  What if you want to exist in the sunshine? 

"Everybody wants to be a diamond, but nobody wants to get cut" - Lots of dispute on the internet over who this quote belongs to...

I wondered if for the last 6 months I have been living in that hour before dawn, comfortable to shine in the darkness.  Unable to move to a position where I could feel the sun on my face.  Maybe now I'm ready to be a diamond. After all I've been cut repeatedly and diamonds really do shine bright under the right kind of light.

This weekend the dawn burst forth in glorious technicolour.  The light was blinding, in fact for a moment on Sunday it knocked me clean off my feet.  I wasn't prepared for it.  I know what the sun looks like, and I know what blue skies are.  I know deep down I have been apprehensive about the sunrise, about watching a new day really get started... 

On Sunday I really felt the sun on my face.  I basked in it.  I was wrapped up in the warmth of the day.  On Sunday I knew that I mattered.

Pretty soon I'm going to have to take a leap of faith and this terrifies me.  I have survived the darkness, I am enjoying a new dawn.  But could I survive another darkness, would it dull my shine completely?  It's a chicken and egg scenario.  Do you give out trust and wait for it to be broken, or do you withhold trust and wait for it to be earned?

I am slightly gutted that this is the 2nd time I've written this post, because some of the original sentiment and outpouring has been lost.  I am aware I am talking in riddles and metaphors, and I'd like to apologise.  I'd like to, but I won't.  You all know what I'm talking about... :)

Bitter or better? ...

Tuesday 9th August 2016

In a break from tradition, I saw a quote on a friends Facebook and it is those words that have inspired today's blog rather than my ever faithful Jane Austen.

"You either get bitter or you get better.  It's that simple.  You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.  The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you." - Josh Shipp - Motivational Speaker Dude

The above quote really struck me.  It was the highlighted words, "bitter", "better", "choice" "belongs to you".  The last time that my ex upset me, I realised I was holding onto ideas about him being a better person than he is.  Once I let go of that it was almost like I let go of a lead weight.  

The last two weeks have kept me so busy, I haven't felt the urge to blog.  Previously my feelings have bubbled up inside me like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.  I could almost feel the steam squeezing out of the smallest gaps, but for the last few weeks, I haven't felt that way.
 
I realise after seeing that quote that I made a choice to let go of the "bitter".  It's been very easy to feel hard done to.  With everything that I gave up for him, with everything I supported him through, the false promises for the future, the loss of him hardened me.  It made my daily persona like a suit of armour that I would put on every morning, weighing me down, and despite the feelings of relief over certain things and the happiness created with other people, I was still sunk down with convincing everyone and myself that I was moving forward and that I was going to be ok.

When I found out about my ex cheating I felt like I was a problem.  I felt unattractive.  I felt like I wasn't good enough.  People said I was actually too good for my ex and that he deserves the trash he's now picked up.
 
I honestly feel like now I made a choice to be better after that last fight.  I actively decided he could take what he wanted then, because actually it would be one of the last things he could take, and it didn't even really matter that much to me.

I said in February that I wouldn't make any big decisions about my life, my future and "what next" for a good six months.  I needed time to heal.  I wouldn't say that I'm healed yet, but Stacey did remind me that September is just around the corner and this was the "deadline" I'd given myself for some of the more immediate life decisions I need to make.  Home, Job, etc.  Because of the choice I made to let go of my anger, I have found myself excited at some of the options I have available to me.  I don't know which path I'm going to choose just yet, but I know that I am ready to start to think about those big decisions that in February made me feel physically sick to contemplate.

In other news I have been holding myself back from becoming attached to someone new, fears, doubts, worries and a distinct ability to overthink every situation are my forte, but I have met someone who doesn't see me as the nightmare headcase I suspect myself to be.  I said very clearly that I had to have things in common with any new person who wanted to be with me in the future, we had to share an interest, and preferably mine in walking!  But life doesn't deal the hands you want, I should definitely know that by now.  
 
We have little or no common interests, we live very different lives, but there is a spark there that makes me feel like maybe just maybe.... I have held back from social media, I have held back from speaking about him in this blog and even now I am not going to go into details.  This is not about him.  This is about me.  So what I can say is this....

I really like him.

Until next time people :) x